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Does Your difficult child have Trouble with "Nice - ness" ?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 420692" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I do not know how common this is, but Wiz had a lot of it. Not so much a problem being nice to people on his terms, which was fairly often if you didn't live in his home. He got the difference between talking, scolding/discussing a problem, and yelling fairly early for a difficult child but had to be reminded often until he was about 9 or 10. Part of this is because until around then my husband called any discussion of a problem or argument "yelling". If I said that he had not done X and could he explain why when we usually did X or I specifically asked him to do it, husband would say that I was "yelling" at him even if I was actually whispering. It drove me crazy because it gave a very different opinion to those who didn't know this. He was the only male in an office with 6 other women and at one point one commented that my voice must be tired from yelling at husband so much. She wasn't criticizing - was actually joking, but I was upset. After we left I asked him why his coworkers thought I yelled all the time. It was about 2 yrs since I had started making a very conscious effort to NOT raise my voice to anyone no matter how upset I was. I did this because I read that raised voices can make a child feel attacked and can lead to more acting out because their adrenaline is at a higher level. So I was really upset that husband thought I was yelling all the time.</p><p> </p><p>That is when I learned that any disagreement that I expressed was thought of as yelling by my husband. I talked to him about it and he claimed to "get it" but didn't seem to. So I actually yelled at him for part of an evening. I yelled hello, how was your day, we're having pasta for dinner, etc.... Then I spoke in a normal voice and asked him if he liked to be spoken to that way. He did NOT. I asked him if that was how I spoke to him when I was angry, upset or disagreed with him over something. Well, no, I didn't. I asked him if he wanted me to speak like that when I was angry, upset or when I disagreed with him. No, he sure did not.</p><p> </p><p>Then I asked him if he would like it if I told everyone I spoke to that he yelled at me when really he was just speaking in a normal voice but he wasn't agreeing with me? He said I couldn't do that because people would think he abused me!! I asked what they were supposed to think about me when he told them I yelled and really I was disagreeing with him?? He got very very quiet then. He apologized and the very next day he told his coworkers that he was sorry and about what he really meant all those times he said I yelled at him.</p><p> </p><p>Wiz did not take nearly so long, but he had to go through it often. Wiz got a real kick out of getting to within five inches of my ear and then yelling as loud as he could and esp loved it when I had a migraine and would then barf. The ONLY thing that got him to stop was doing it to him. Even then if he was angry with me he would do it when I had a migraine. That only stopped when I involuntarily barfed on him. And didn't apologize or clean him up. </p><p> </p><p>Wiz also did NOT perceive praise when it was said to him. Maybe register is a better word. He heard the words, knew they were positive and sort of knew that good things were said about him, but they didn't seem to be understood as we were proud of him that he did a good job of whatever it was and that we were happy with him. Those only registered if we said them to someone else. It was hard because all he ever told us was that we never praised him or thought he did a good job of anything but we praised the other kids, the cat and each other all the time - so why could he never do anything right/good?</p><p> </p><p>I was flabbergasted. Totally without words (rare for me, as I am sure you have guessed, lol). After that I would call my mom, husband at work, a friend, or even pick up the phone and just pretend to call someone. Then all those rewards for praise started happening - you know, your child doing the action you praised instead of the action you did not praise or told him not Occupational Therapist (OT) do, the big smile on the kid's face because he made you happy/proud, those rewards. We had to do the third party praise for about 3-4 years before he was able to hear praise said to him. It wasn't just praise from us taht he didn't hear. It was praise from anyone. </p><p> </p><p>I think our kids don't read body language or process ANY communication in the way that neurotypical people do. Once we learn what they DO perceive and how it is different from what others perceive we have a real chance of communicating with them. </p><p> </p><p>DF, your daughter has many aspie traits, in my opinion, but likely won't ever be diagnosis'd because she has learned to mimic other's behavior, to tell the doctor what they want/expect to hear and because we still don't fully understand how girls express aspie-ism at various stages of development. Those who DO understand more about aspie girls are few and far between also, which makes your difficult child getting this as a diagnosis is pretty low.</p><p> </p><p>Now that you realize how she perceives being nice, her own interactions and tone of voice, and the rest of the world (Do unto others before they do unto you probably makes a LOT more sense to your daughter than Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.), you have a chance to start getting her to understand what you want her to do and how you want her to behave. </p><p> </p><p>In essence, she has given you a key to her world. You can use this key to start understanding how she sees the world and interacts with it. She really expressed herself well when she told you what she did. It is different than how Wiz or my husband sees the world, but you can still meet her at her world and begin to teach her how to function in your world. Think of this statement as your Rosetta Stone for deciphering her. </p><p> </p><p>in my opinion there should be some reward given to her for letting you know what she was thinking. Not sure what, or how to explain it, but this info is invaluable.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 420692, member: 1233"] I do not know how common this is, but Wiz had a lot of it. Not so much a problem being nice to people on his terms, which was fairly often if you didn't live in his home. He got the difference between talking, scolding/discussing a problem, and yelling fairly early for a difficult child but had to be reminded often until he was about 9 or 10. Part of this is because until around then my husband called any discussion of a problem or argument "yelling". If I said that he had not done X and could he explain why when we usually did X or I specifically asked him to do it, husband would say that I was "yelling" at him even if I was actually whispering. It drove me crazy because it gave a very different opinion to those who didn't know this. He was the only male in an office with 6 other women and at one point one commented that my voice must be tired from yelling at husband so much. She wasn't criticizing - was actually joking, but I was upset. After we left I asked him why his coworkers thought I yelled all the time. It was about 2 yrs since I had started making a very conscious effort to NOT raise my voice to anyone no matter how upset I was. I did this because I read that raised voices can make a child feel attacked and can lead to more acting out because their adrenaline is at a higher level. So I was really upset that husband thought I was yelling all the time. That is when I learned that any disagreement that I expressed was thought of as yelling by my husband. I talked to him about it and he claimed to "get it" but didn't seem to. So I actually yelled at him for part of an evening. I yelled hello, how was your day, we're having pasta for dinner, etc.... Then I spoke in a normal voice and asked him if he liked to be spoken to that way. He did NOT. I asked him if that was how I spoke to him when I was angry, upset or disagreed with him over something. Well, no, I didn't. I asked him if he wanted me to speak like that when I was angry, upset or when I disagreed with him. No, he sure did not. Then I asked him if he would like it if I told everyone I spoke to that he yelled at me when really he was just speaking in a normal voice but he wasn't agreeing with me? He said I couldn't do that because people would think he abused me!! I asked what they were supposed to think about me when he told them I yelled and really I was disagreeing with him?? He got very very quiet then. He apologized and the very next day he told his coworkers that he was sorry and about what he really meant all those times he said I yelled at him. Wiz did not take nearly so long, but he had to go through it often. Wiz got a real kick out of getting to within five inches of my ear and then yelling as loud as he could and esp loved it when I had a migraine and would then barf. The ONLY thing that got him to stop was doing it to him. Even then if he was angry with me he would do it when I had a migraine. That only stopped when I involuntarily barfed on him. And didn't apologize or clean him up. Wiz also did NOT perceive praise when it was said to him. Maybe register is a better word. He heard the words, knew they were positive and sort of knew that good things were said about him, but they didn't seem to be understood as we were proud of him that he did a good job of whatever it was and that we were happy with him. Those only registered if we said them to someone else. It was hard because all he ever told us was that we never praised him or thought he did a good job of anything but we praised the other kids, the cat and each other all the time - so why could he never do anything right/good? I was flabbergasted. Totally without words (rare for me, as I am sure you have guessed, lol). After that I would call my mom, husband at work, a friend, or even pick up the phone and just pretend to call someone. Then all those rewards for praise started happening - you know, your child doing the action you praised instead of the action you did not praise or told him not Occupational Therapist (OT) do, the big smile on the kid's face because he made you happy/proud, those rewards. We had to do the third party praise for about 3-4 years before he was able to hear praise said to him. It wasn't just praise from us taht he didn't hear. It was praise from anyone. I think our kids don't read body language or process ANY communication in the way that neurotypical people do. Once we learn what they DO perceive and how it is different from what others perceive we have a real chance of communicating with them. DF, your daughter has many aspie traits, in my opinion, but likely won't ever be diagnosis'd because she has learned to mimic other's behavior, to tell the doctor what they want/expect to hear and because we still don't fully understand how girls express aspie-ism at various stages of development. Those who DO understand more about aspie girls are few and far between also, which makes your difficult child getting this as a diagnosis is pretty low. Now that you realize how she perceives being nice, her own interactions and tone of voice, and the rest of the world (Do unto others before they do unto you probably makes a LOT more sense to your daughter than Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.), you have a chance to start getting her to understand what you want her to do and how you want her to behave. In essence, she has given you a key to her world. You can use this key to start understanding how she sees the world and interacts with it. She really expressed herself well when she told you what she did. It is different than how Wiz or my husband sees the world, but you can still meet her at her world and begin to teach her how to function in your world. Think of this statement as your Rosetta Stone for deciphering her. in my opinion there should be some reward given to her for letting you know what she was thinking. Not sure what, or how to explain it, but this info is invaluable. [/QUOTE]
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