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Does Your difficult child have Trouble with "Nice - ness" ?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 420709" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It is good to model it for them - necessary. But sometimes you need to do more, and repeatedly prompt. But always make sure you do it in love, with fun, and with a smile. "Honey - that wasn't quite up to standard. Let's try this again."</p><p>If they growl or complain, quietly ask them why it grates. Their feelings about it are legitimate, but they are misleading them. They need help to learn to recognise which feelings are valid and which ones are leading them astray. Lessons in social skills can follow, but it's Basket B - back off if they get too irritable. But as you back off, give the equivalent of a hug and say, "It's OK, we'll leave it there."</p><p></p><p>It's like the talk I had with difficult child 3 yesterday after I got the results of his neuropsychologist assessment - I said, "Honey, the results confirm what we both know - you are one of the smartest people around. But it also shows why you feel like it's all a huge struggle. It's not fair, but life is not known for its fairness. However, if we all work together we can find ways to help you use that brain of yours more effectively. You can't keep carrying on like you can do it all unaided - you need supports. It's okay to need supports. You wer glasses and you didn't think at first you would need them all the time. But you soon found that with the glasses, you can find your way around without tripping over things. It's wonderful to be able to look into the distance and see fine detail, it's hard to take off the glasses and give tat up. With your brain and learning supports, it's like putting on those glasses. Life will continue to be unfair, and school a huge struggle, if you do not work with us in this and use te supports that are available. Let's turn things around together, and make it more fair."</p><p></p><p>I had to do this in stages, making sure he understood at each level. But that's the gist of it. I also had to make sure I had eye contact and computer game paused so I could ensure his attention. As it is, I'll have to say it again and again over the next few months!</p><p></p><p>Our kids need to be taught more formally. They will never pick up social skills by osmosis, the way other people do.</p><p></p><p>As for the "I love you"s, what can help is not to worry about hearing "I love you" directed at you, but help her rehearse it for someone else. These kids have difficulty identifying/analysing their own emotions, they are often in such jumbled turmoil. As we say here, it is okay and understandable sometimes to love someone, but not always like them. Conflict does not mean hatred. In fact, especially with teen girls, conflict can be a way to communicate - they do not intend to fight, they just want to understand and the result of their probing and arguing (to find the edges of the rules) is frustration and anger from the parent, and stubborn insolence/hurt from the child. All teens do it but especially girls, it seems. And Aspie girls make a bigger mess of it!</p><p></p><p>So - model it. Practice it. Role-play it. And do it with a sense of humour. As you do this, recognise that if you do not do this, she will take a lot longer, maybe forever, to learn this stuff.</p><p></p><p>As I said to difficult child 3 - life is not fair.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 420709, member: 1991"] It is good to model it for them - necessary. But sometimes you need to do more, and repeatedly prompt. But always make sure you do it in love, with fun, and with a smile. "Honey - that wasn't quite up to standard. Let's try this again." If they growl or complain, quietly ask them why it grates. Their feelings about it are legitimate, but they are misleading them. They need help to learn to recognise which feelings are valid and which ones are leading them astray. Lessons in social skills can follow, but it's Basket B - back off if they get too irritable. But as you back off, give the equivalent of a hug and say, "It's OK, we'll leave it there." It's like the talk I had with difficult child 3 yesterday after I got the results of his neuropsychologist assessment - I said, "Honey, the results confirm what we both know - you are one of the smartest people around. But it also shows why you feel like it's all a huge struggle. It's not fair, but life is not known for its fairness. However, if we all work together we can find ways to help you use that brain of yours more effectively. You can't keep carrying on like you can do it all unaided - you need supports. It's okay to need supports. You wer glasses and you didn't think at first you would need them all the time. But you soon found that with the glasses, you can find your way around without tripping over things. It's wonderful to be able to look into the distance and see fine detail, it's hard to take off the glasses and give tat up. With your brain and learning supports, it's like putting on those glasses. Life will continue to be unfair, and school a huge struggle, if you do not work with us in this and use te supports that are available. Let's turn things around together, and make it more fair." I had to do this in stages, making sure he understood at each level. But that's the gist of it. I also had to make sure I had eye contact and computer game paused so I could ensure his attention. As it is, I'll have to say it again and again over the next few months! Our kids need to be taught more formally. They will never pick up social skills by osmosis, the way other people do. As for the "I love you"s, what can help is not to worry about hearing "I love you" directed at you, but help her rehearse it for someone else. These kids have difficulty identifying/analysing their own emotions, they are often in such jumbled turmoil. As we say here, it is okay and understandable sometimes to love someone, but not always like them. Conflict does not mean hatred. In fact, especially with teen girls, conflict can be a way to communicate - they do not intend to fight, they just want to understand and the result of their probing and arguing (to find the edges of the rules) is frustration and anger from the parent, and stubborn insolence/hurt from the child. All teens do it but especially girls, it seems. And Aspie girls make a bigger mess of it! So - model it. Practice it. Role-play it. And do it with a sense of humour. As you do this, recognise that if you do not do this, she will take a lot longer, maybe forever, to learn this stuff. As I said to difficult child 3 - life is not fair. Marg [/QUOTE]
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