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Parent Emeritus
Doing well detaching; but some days it is HAAAARRRRRD
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 611007" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I am wondering HOW to detach. As Recovering posted, I can change the lens...but that other, darker understanding is still there underneath, making me sad and angry at everything that has been lost.</p><p></p><p>Which would be my dreams for her, my certain knowledge of who she is and should be.</p><p></p><p>Initially, I wrote "who she would be." But the belief behind it is a "should." And who we "should" be is seldom valid.... </p><p></p><p>So, does the pain we feel as mothers have to do with judgment? I have been thinking and thinking about how it seems that our daughters <u>want</u> to be where they are in their lives. As adults, they have the right to do as they please...so is the difficulty we feel with detachment something about not fully giving them that freedom?</p><p></p><p>Maybe, what our daughters want is for us to see, and to celebrate, the good things about the lives they've chosen? Certainly, my daughter is freer and is living her life more courageously than I ever did.</p><p></p><p>And because of that, she is stronger, less fearful, far more her own person, than I am.</p><p></p><p>But oy, the choices she's made!</p><p></p><p>I wonder what would happen if we could celebrate those good parts about the lives our daughters have chosen ~ trusting that, even if it doesn't look like it to us, they are making rational choices about who and how they want to be. </p><p></p><p>No judging, no worry, no horror at what she does, at what she's thrown away, at where she finds herself would mean I don't have to change it.</p><p></p><p>So, that would be detachment, right? </p><p></p><p>Not making a judgment about what she's chosen.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 611007, member: 1721"] I am wondering HOW to detach. As Recovering posted, I can change the lens...but that other, darker understanding is still there underneath, making me sad and angry at everything that has been lost. Which would be my dreams for her, my certain knowledge of who she is and should be. Initially, I wrote "who she would be." But the belief behind it is a "should." And who we "should" be is seldom valid.... So, does the pain we feel as mothers have to do with judgment? I have been thinking and thinking about how it seems that our daughters [U]want[/U] to be where they are in their lives. As adults, they have the right to do as they please...so is the difficulty we feel with detachment something about not fully giving them that freedom? Maybe, what our daughters want is for us to see, and to celebrate, the good things about the lives they've chosen? Certainly, my daughter is freer and is living her life more courageously than I ever did. And because of that, she is stronger, less fearful, far more her own person, than I am. But oy, the choices she's made! I wonder what would happen if we could celebrate those good parts about the lives our daughters have chosen ~ trusting that, even if it doesn't look like it to us, they are making rational choices about who and how they want to be. No judging, no worry, no horror at what she does, at what she's thrown away, at where she finds herself would mean I don't have to change it. So, that would be detachment, right? Not making a judgment about what she's chosen. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Doing well detaching; but some days it is HAAAARRRRRD
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