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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 254975" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Susan, </p><p> </p><p>I don't know how you help them on one hand and walk away from them on another. I konw when we were having to look at Dude being out on the streets (and it's still a possibility every day) I got a lump in my throat when I tried to look up services. Then it hit me - WHY AM I LOOKING UP SERVICES FOR HIM? And I didn't know which made me more angry - the fact that I was trying to help a child I felt isnt' able to totally help himself or the fact that if I help - am I really helping or just prolonging the inevitable and thus making it easier on myself. </p><p> </p><p>I don't have all the answers to that question. But I do know that the less I have suggestions for Dude - the more he seems to surprise me in finding his own way. Here's what I mean - </p><p> </p><p>We've helped Dude get to and from counseling for years - finally he quit. We quit asking. Enough was enough. </p><p>We've helped Dude find housing, and work, and food - we quit</p><p>We've helped Dude by bailing him out of his restitution and probation - we quit. </p><p> </p><p>Once we backed off ? </p><p>He stopped going to counseling for about 5 months. - </p><p>On his own he made an appointment. with Mental Health, begged a ride and talked to a counselor. Counselor said his depression was very bad, to make an appointment with either a psychiatrist or an M.D. He made the appointment. with an M.D. and is now on Cymbalta. Whether he takes it is up to him. But the point is HE did it - it was HIS choice and he did the phone calls, and appointment. setting and making arrangements - so it was more plausible that HE would make the appointment, take the advice and fill the prescription. He did. </p><p> </p><p>We stopped helping him with his appts, and I finally told him to set up his OWN appointment. for SSI, I didn't have time to run my life, my home and his. </p><p>He DID! - and He's currently trying out being a part=time room mate with someone. Imagine MY surprise when the boy who owns the house kicked everyone out - and then invited Dude back (just to get the other 2 kids out and seem fair) because Dude washes dishes, keeps his room clean, and cleans up after himself (I fainted on the floor) - Dude WHAT? C'mon. The room-mate confirmed he is a good fella to live with he just needs to get a job. He ALSO policed the thermostat to keep the bills down. (OMG can you believeit?) </p><p> </p><p>He's figured out that it's a pain to earn money and then throw it at a PO, but going to jail is not fun.....so he's doing odd jobs and continues to look for a job. It's not easy - and he isn't really "into" raking yards and such - but it's something he can tell his PO to keep him off the go to jail list. </p><p>And he's called ON HIS OWN about his community service hours. I finally handed him the folder and said - HERE YA GO - figure it out. </p><p> </p><p>I was so anxiety ridden when I did that - but he's actually doing things FOR HIMSELF and I'm doing less - and that's a good thing. I still worry - but there are consequences out there that will hit my son right in the kiester and it's quite a reality check - eventually enough hits? They get tired of doing things THEIR way and do it the way it needs to be done. </p><p> </p><p>I know you love your son.....For years and years I have had to put away ALL baby pictures and such of mine. It's too hard to look back....someday sure - I'll be able to but until then don't torture yourself with the what if's. Take pictures of him now - and frame those.....it's better to see what is - that what could have been. </p><p> </p><p>And yes - I know the heartache of the "knapsack" vs. "Paper bag" it can leave a lump in your throat because you want to do the best and have your kids have the best - not some vision of them standing in the dark, all alone with a paper bag full of junk - BUT if thats what it would take for him to turn his own corner? Going hungry - being alone and having to figure something out for himself? Then I'm all for it. </p><p> </p><p>What I found out about Dude is that he isn't as helpless as I thought he was - and when he started to do things for himself? We both found a reason to be proud. I'm not sure about where you are but our Salvation Army offers drug rehab group every day - </p><p> </p><p>Hugs for your strenght and prayers for your son.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 254975, member: 4964"] Susan, I don't know how you help them on one hand and walk away from them on another. I konw when we were having to look at Dude being out on the streets (and it's still a possibility every day) I got a lump in my throat when I tried to look up services. Then it hit me - WHY AM I LOOKING UP SERVICES FOR HIM? And I didn't know which made me more angry - the fact that I was trying to help a child I felt isnt' able to totally help himself or the fact that if I help - am I really helping or just prolonging the inevitable and thus making it easier on myself. I don't have all the answers to that question. But I do know that the less I have suggestions for Dude - the more he seems to surprise me in finding his own way. Here's what I mean - We've helped Dude get to and from counseling for years - finally he quit. We quit asking. Enough was enough. We've helped Dude find housing, and work, and food - we quit We've helped Dude by bailing him out of his restitution and probation - we quit. Once we backed off ? He stopped going to counseling for about 5 months. - On his own he made an appointment. with Mental Health, begged a ride and talked to a counselor. Counselor said his depression was very bad, to make an appointment with either a psychiatrist or an M.D. He made the appointment. with an M.D. and is now on Cymbalta. Whether he takes it is up to him. But the point is HE did it - it was HIS choice and he did the phone calls, and appointment. setting and making arrangements - so it was more plausible that HE would make the appointment, take the advice and fill the prescription. He did. We stopped helping him with his appts, and I finally told him to set up his OWN appointment. for SSI, I didn't have time to run my life, my home and his. He DID! - and He's currently trying out being a part=time room mate with someone. Imagine MY surprise when the boy who owns the house kicked everyone out - and then invited Dude back (just to get the other 2 kids out and seem fair) because Dude washes dishes, keeps his room clean, and cleans up after himself (I fainted on the floor) - Dude WHAT? C'mon. The room-mate confirmed he is a good fella to live with he just needs to get a job. He ALSO policed the thermostat to keep the bills down. (OMG can you believeit?) He's figured out that it's a pain to earn money and then throw it at a PO, but going to jail is not fun.....so he's doing odd jobs and continues to look for a job. It's not easy - and he isn't really "into" raking yards and such - but it's something he can tell his PO to keep him off the go to jail list. And he's called ON HIS OWN about his community service hours. I finally handed him the folder and said - HERE YA GO - figure it out. I was so anxiety ridden when I did that - but he's actually doing things FOR HIMSELF and I'm doing less - and that's a good thing. I still worry - but there are consequences out there that will hit my son right in the kiester and it's quite a reality check - eventually enough hits? They get tired of doing things THEIR way and do it the way it needs to be done. I know you love your son.....For years and years I have had to put away ALL baby pictures and such of mine. It's too hard to look back....someday sure - I'll be able to but until then don't torture yourself with the what if's. Take pictures of him now - and frame those.....it's better to see what is - that what could have been. And yes - I know the heartache of the "knapsack" vs. "Paper bag" it can leave a lump in your throat because you want to do the best and have your kids have the best - not some vision of them standing in the dark, all alone with a paper bag full of junk - BUT if thats what it would take for him to turn his own corner? Going hungry - being alone and having to figure something out for himself? Then I'm all for it. What I found out about Dude is that he isn't as helpless as I thought he was - and when he started to do things for himself? We both found a reason to be proud. I'm not sure about where you are but our Salvation Army offers drug rehab group every day - Hugs for your strenght and prayers for your son. [/QUOTE]
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