Dr. Phil show and me

[tinamarie1]

I just watched yesterdays episode, where a mother caught her husband molesting her 9 yr old daughter, and continued to live with him where he continued molesting the girl for many many years.
It made me think back to when I was 13 and my sister called me after watching an Oprah show on child molestors. She asked me point blank if our brother had ever molested me. She knew..she knew! he had. otherwise she would not have asked. He molested me several times between the ages of 5 and 11. (my sister is 10 years older than me and my bro. is 13 yrs older than me). She convinced me to go to my mom and tell her, esp. since my brother was still living with us and I refused to ever be alone in a room with him. I told her in detail places he took me and what he did. She went to him and he admitted it and came to me and apologized. I told my mom that I couldn't live with him anymore. She refused to make him leave (he was 26 at that time). So, instead my alcoholic father drove from Florida, picked me up and I went to live with him in a 2nd Hell for a year. He continuously abandoned me, got arrested and would call me from Detox screaming that I had put him in jail. I was only 14 at that time. DFS came to the door one day and threatened to take me to juvinile jail if my dad did not show up the next day. I went back to my mom and a few months later, she got remarried and my step dad demanded that my brother get out on his own.
My whole thing is that #1, I have never had a normal sex life. I actually despise the thought of it. The only thing that I can say is good about it, is it makes my husband happy.
#2 I have just come to this realization that my sister knew all those years and didn't tell anyone or ask me or show concern for me #3 My mom was no better than the mom on Dr. Phil...she did nothing to protect me from my brother. She actually said to me at one time, "snap out of it, he said he was sorry".
I have always felt like it was me against my mom and sister in everything. And I have never known why I felt this way. I am wondering if this could be it. I don't know why I have never come to this realization before about them not protecting me. It hurts so much and I have been to many counselors over the years and they think its self esteem issues, not so much the molestation that makes me look at intimacy the way I do.
I just don't know where to go with these feelings and I needed to get it out.
Tina

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Tina}}}

I can't begin to fathom the betrayal of molestation being compounded by family members acting as though it didn't happen and leaving you to flounder all these years. I'm sorry all this has happened to you.

You need help to work through this, professional help. You've been victimized twice. Many county departments of health offer group and individual counseling for survivors of rape and/or molestation.

I implore you to reach out and receive the sort of face-to-face help and support that will assist you in healing. You deserve to have a healthy marriage and enjoy sex. Your family has caused enough damage, it's up to you to set your life right now by reaching out.

Again, I'm sorry.

 

[WhymeMom?]

I did watch Dr. Phil when this woman was on the show. I did want to crawl thru the TV and throttle this woman.....If I had found this out I would have moved heaven and earth to get my child out of this situation......I would like to think most women would do the same.......Hate to denegrate your mom, but she was so totally wrong in the way she handled it......You were also left with no role model, so I can imagine you are reluctant to ask for help dealing with this whole situation. You asked for help before and look what it got you......sent to your father......another poor role model........Please talk to someone about all this.....you deserve to have a good life..... Thinking of you........hoping you find some good women (role models) to help you see the kind of life you can have.........

 

[Hound dog]

Tina

(((hugs)))

I'm so sorry you had to go thru all of that, only to jump from one form of h*ll to another. Try not to be too hard on your sister. Especially since at the moment you don't know what her actual thinking was about the abuse. She did have the courage to ask you and then to go to your Mom in hopes of getting something done to put an end to it. If she is only ten years older than you she was also quite young (even if an adult) and inexperienced in how to handle the situation. She trusted your Mom to take the ball and run with it. Only Mom dropped it instead. I'm not saying your sis couldn't have taken other steps, but maybe she didn't really know how without your Mom in you two's corner.

I'm also a survivor of sexual abuse. When I was around 11/12 an incident happened that should've sent huge red neon signs in front of my mother's eyes. Oh, I've no doubt she got the message loud and clear. If it wasn't for my older sis coming in at just the right moment and pulling her off of me, she'd have beaten me to death. Yet my abuser was treated as the victim. Think that's bad? Years later when the topic came out loud and clear due to something I was going thru with easy child and a nephew, my mother had the sheer gall to sob to me and tell me she didn't have a clue.

Uh, okay. It went on since my earliest memories with multiple abusers, yet somehow all of this went on under her nose but she didn't have a clue. Spare me. She didn't have a clue because she didn't want to have a clue.

I'm glad you're in therapy. Sounds like you're still dealing with these issues on an emotional level. I'm no therapist, but I wouldn't be surprised if at least some of your lack of sex drive has to due with the past. For others it goes in the opposite extreme.

Therapy will help. Although it can be a rough journey, you'll be a far better person at the end.

Sending many gentle ((hugs))

 

[smallworld]

Tina, I'm so sorry for your pain all these years. As TM posted, I hope you find the right therapist to help you heal. Sending many gentle hugs out to you tonight.

 

[runawaybunny]

tinamarie,

It is a heavy burden to have lived through so much pain and betrayal.

You have been through some terrible experiences with your family that have left you feeling abandoned and confused. I agree with tiredmommy, you will need professional help to work through this.

Please know that you are welcome here and that we support you.

It must be very difficult to have gone through this, I'm so sorry.

 

[SRL]

Tina, I'm sorry that you have experienced this in your childhood and continue to be impacted into adulthood. I hope you can find a therapist who specialized in adults who were victimized as children to help you.

 

[DavidH]

Hi, I hope I am not overstepping my place here as a man I read this and my blood is boiling... this is my number one fear for all kids including mine..

why? becuase I was also abused like this from 9 years old till I was 13 -

I am only posting to say a couple of things... I am still haunted to this day by the actions and it has ruined my ability to have a healthy relationship with a female.. I have had help for it for years but it is still there and always will be... one thing was I (my mom) was able to get one of these bastards convicted years after the fact...

I hate to say it - but I will put my life savings on the fact your not the only one your brother has done this too... nor will you be the last

I simply say is it not in you to try and get him convicted? the time passed should have nothing to do with it, look at the catholic thing a few years ago, some were 30 year old cases

It may be hard since he is a brother... but for the sake of your own ease of mind it is a huge help knowing he is not doing this to other little ones.

no matter what you have this site to come to for awesome support

I am sorry this happend to you... these idiots that touch a little one have no idea what harm they cause that will with out a doubt last a life time = and I am going to be 44 this year!!!!!

I call it my "Monster" and he visits me more than I want him too - no matter what help I have gotten

ugg sorry this just kills me

 

[tinamarie1]

David, I did check into pressing charges and/or filing a civil suit against him. The statute of limitations was 10 years I think? I am now 35 and the last time he did this to me was when I was 11. If I could, I would press charges. There is alot more going on with he and I: He was estranged from my dad for 10+ years and then called him one day when he (my bro) was in jail needing to be bailed out for domestic abuse. My dad drove several states, bailed him out, let my bro live with him, where my bro. was the enabler for my dad..buying him alcohol, letting him get drunk every day and stealing from him, having him sign over all of his possessions while he was in a drunk state, making him call my sister and I and tell us that we are the root of all his evil and demons and why he drinks, therefore we get nothing in his will. The result, my dad drank so much he went into a diabetic coma and lost his leg, then had several massive strokes. He is now a vegetable in a nursing home, and I am his financial and healthcare overseer. He has no finances tho, except retirement money that goes straight to nursing home care. my brother was not paying the nursing home, but instead forging my dads retirement checks and spending them. The nursing home told me years ago they were filing a case against him...but nothing came of it...the DA actually dropped the charges and the Nhome wrote off $30,000 owed to them. something about jurisdiction (dad is in Florida, but his home is in Georgia ..where my bro. lives) Meanwhile, my brother lives in my dads house, drives dads cars, etc etc.
If only I could press charges and get some relief from years of pain from this man.

 

[busywend]

Look, there is nothing ANYONE could say to make this OK for you. Nobody should dismiss this or tell you to get over it. My blood boils for you!

You need to work on this in therapy. If you have a therapist that has also dismissed this abuse - then find another one.

Are you sure you do not reassure people that you are OK with it? Is your approach such that it was 'not a big deal' when talking about it with therapist? I am not saying anything bad or mean here - I just can not fathom how a therapist would dismiss this as being the root to intimacy issues. You have not found the right therapist yet. I beg you to keep looking. You CAN have a better bond with your husband. Find a therapist and tell them this sexual abuse from your childhood is what you need to address and nothing else. Don't go another year without repairing this for yourself and husband. This is your life and it is up to you to make it the best it can be.

HUGS!!!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Tina,

How devastating to realize you had no protection when young from those who were to keep you safe. It sounds like your brother has tried to destroy multiple lives. Your desire to find a relief from the pain he gave you is going to happen in your healing yourself, not getting revenge on him.

As you yourself have said, too many years have gone by to press charges. You heal your pain and hurt by proving him wrong. By showing your life has meaning and joy. By getting in touch with your pain and issues so that you can give yourself, without abandon, to your loving husband. To make your life stand for what is good and right.

Sometimes paying a person back for what they have done to us leaves us empty. In this case, your best option has expired - making him pay legally for his behavior as a monster.

So now it's up to you to survive and survive well. If you have not already, find a therapist that specialized in childhood abuse. Begin to heal so you can truly see why you are here and how much value you do have for those in your life today.

With hugs and support,
Sharon

 

[DavidH]

Man, Tina I am so sorry that your state has limitations like that, some do not like the one I was in. Also if you could of or could make him pay for his issues, I feel it is more of protectiong others he is/maybe doing this to - not payback... I understand revenge gets us no where.

(The person that did this to me spent only 7 years in jail, and I know for a fact he got out and repeated his game, yet the ones I know he did it too refuse to seek help) So my blood boils . know what I mean?

Some people are not worth the breath they take... but all the others on here are right... go through as many therapist you have to to find the one you click with.. I am and still see one to this day

That monster is strong.. but you (and I) are stronger even though we may not believe it.. I go up and down.. know what I mean..

All power to you.. I will mention you in my prayer I know this rotts

 

[DammitJanet]

Tina....

I also come from a background of abuse. One of my main abusers was my mother. It has taken me many, many years to even attempt to sort this out. I also have difficulties with normal sex.

The one thing I can say after all this time is to keep trying to find a therapist who deals with survivors of incest. When I finally found my current therapist I walked in and gave her a synopsis of my life and point blank asked her if she could deal with this or was she going to just gloss it over. She took me on and for that I will be forever grateful.

I attended a group therapy thing for survivors of sexual abuse and that was very enlightening to me. We used the book The Courage to Heal. It also has a companion workbook. It helped me so much.

Call your local mental health agency and ask for that sort of specific therapy, call a church...many therapists volunteer their time there. Keep calling until you find someone that is a good match for you.

I cant say much about your family. I would think working through therapy first would be the best way to deal with this. You dont have to deal with anyone but you for now.

Hugs.

 

[Star*]

Tina,

Sending some gentle hugs and understanding your way. A lot of people are in denial about what goes on behind closed doors. Somehow maybe now knowing what you thought you knew may begin to be a start to healing.

BIG hugs -
Star

 

[Lothlorien]

I'm a bit speechless. I'll never understand how this happens, while others do and say nothing. Sorry for your pain.

 

[DDD]

Ditto. DDD

 

[carolanne]

Tina I am so very sorry you have to carry such a huge burden. I could tell you all about my abuse as well but instead will chose to support you through prayer and positive thought that you will find the one person who will help your soul to heal. It is a very long journey but so worth it in the end. Stay strong and know that I will pray for you tonight and each and every night to come.

Gentle hugs,

Carolanne

 

[tinamarie1]

I sat with husband tonight and just let it all out. Basically told him what I have said in my post. He knew about the abuse by my brother, but I needed to tell someone in person about this realization I had and how hurt I feel and I just don't know where to go with my anger. He was a good listener and just didn't really know what to say, other than to hold me and tell me that he is there for me when I need to vent. As luck would have it, my mom called tonight. We spoke like everything was fine. Even though I am hurting, I can't bring myself to say anything to her because I know she will have a melt down. I did make an appointment to see a new counselor today. This will be my 3rd one since August 2007. Its easy to say just keep looking for the right one. But it is very exhausting to tell the story repeadily and sob and feel vulnerable doing it. So I guess even if I let a few months pass, it will be easier to tell another counselor. I know it will be worth it when I find the right one.

 

[daralex]

Tina,
I'm not even sure where to start - yes I am - I just want to jump through the computer and give you the biggest hug ever! I also saw the episode and caught myself yelling at the TV as I was in tears. My difficult child was abused by her step father at age 8. Long story short - I had NO IDEA what was going on. Most of the abuse happened after we divorced and she would see him on weekends. The second she told me what was happening I called to set up a counseling session right after I called the police. Three YEARS later the case goes to court so she is traumatized all over again. (did I metioned they subpoened her and forced her to testify and made us travel from from SC to MA!)There is an interview, blatant physical evidence and my poor difficult child's testimony (hardest day of her life!) I find out later he was a previously convicted pedophile (I will feel the guilt for not knowing every day until I die) after all that - they did NOT convict him.

I share this story to say that if I knew for one minte what was going on I would have killed him without blinking an eye. How does that woman live with herself? How can you allow yourself to be touched by a man who touched your own child. The whole situation is so unfathomable to me I can't even wrap my head around it. People like that are sick and pathetic and should not be aloud to remain on this earth. It will be a lifetime of healing but I can imagine how strong you must have become. I've actually been crying on and off since the show aired - I try so hard to put all of this in a box on a shelf in my head and that really opened it back up. i am still dumbfounded by it and have no idea how that woman goes to sleep at night. i'm so very sorry for your pain I wish I could just make it all go away. i would hope putting it in the fore front will help you to heal the wound a little bit at a time to the best of your ability. My thoughts are with you and am sending sweet ((hugs)).
-Dara

 

[busywend]

Please know I do realize how difficult it is to find the right therapist. It is exhausting and mentally draining - and a pain the butt!

But, very worth it.