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easy child is refusing to come home
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 406653" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>She's a difficult child. Or maybe a easy child/difficult child like my younger daughter. But her behaviour - I am amazed you still classify her s a easy child. This is not typical teen behaviour.</p><p></p><p>As I see it - she did the wrong thing. Repeatedly. Over and over while you were away. Before you went away. Constantly. She hasn't planned ahead with her bad actions, she just reacts to the NOW and then has even more crud of her own making to deal with afterwards. When she is then in trouble, she yells, she cries, she threatens suicide. Not acceptable.</p><p></p><p>My view - a suicide threat means you get dragged off to hospital and an attempt is made to admit you. Or you get dragged off to a psychiatrist. No objections can be made, no "I've changed my mind! I didn't mean it!" Because if you said it and didn't mean it, then you are the absolute lowest of the low, manipulative pieces of crud... and need to be told so. So which is it, my dear child? Did you mean it when you said it and don't mean it now, perhaps? If so - psychiatrist. Are you just being manipulative to try to reduce your consequences in the minute? psychiatrist.</p><p></p><p>If she won't come home, she's under-age (just) and CPS are after you - sorry, you have to call the cops. It shows that you are not allowing her any wiggle room. Pain in the rear to have to do it, it won't achieve a darn thing (other than show CPS that you are not condoning her bad behaviour). But you need to cover your own rear.</p><p></p><p>CPS are after you because of HER bad behaviour. So you cannot condone it (I know you're not, but you need to be SEEN to not condone it).</p><p></p><p>Writing "deceased" on the bill and sending it back - very naughty. Total mischief. QAbsolutely no excuse. This, from someone who will soon, technically at least, be an adult? She wants to be allowed to live as an adult, be given adult responsibilities, be allowed to make her own choices? Sorry, she has shown that she not only cannot, but will not behave as anything other than a wilful brat.</p><p></p><p>I dod get that she's had a lot to deal with, living with the hassles caused by difficult child. Sorry - no excuse. In out household we've had a lot of problems from having a houseful of Aspies & autistics, easy child has at times not been very easy child, if you know what I mean. But she has NEVER come close to behaving so irresponsibly. Please, do not allow anyone to make allowances for her - she will just use that to the nth degree and keep upping the ante.</p><p></p><p>So she has lost friendships because of the shoplifting? Natural consequences. So you grounded her (quite right, too) and now she responds by refusing to come home? Brat. Bad behaviour, childish behaviour. And yes, very manipulative. She probably does mean it when she says, "I wish I was dead," I remember what it feels like to have done the wrong thing and be cared to face the consequences of my actions. I remember having to carry a letter home from my teacher, I knew I had to give it to my mother and I knew I would be in big trouble when she read it. But I knew that if I did not, there would be a worse consequences for failing to follow through. I was capable of thinking it through (I did consider all the possible ways to get out of trouble - but I knew trouble would magnify if I tried it). My entire walk home was spent turning over all the ways I could try to get out of trouble. Running away - I knew it wouldn't work. I would be found. There was nobody I could go to, who would shelter me from a righteously angry mother. I could have stopped off on the way home to confide in a neighbour, but it would only delay the inevitable.</p><p></p><p>She has to face her consequences. Depression - I get that. But it does not excuse the large problems she has been causing you for a long time. She wanted dogs, but won't look after them. While you were away she let them run loose and then threw hysterics when a neighbour tried to sort out the chaos. She behaved badly in your absence. Before you left, you were concerned at her feeling neglected. You were also concerned at who would keep her in line while you were away. You tried to get her to come with you - she refused. She said she would be better staying put, she would look after things, look after herself, after all she was nearly an adult, she could behave responsibly.</p><p></p><p>Only she didn't. She hasn't. I keep reading your posts waiting for her t finally get this out of her system and step up to the plate, and she has not.</p><p></p><p>Therefore - she is NOT a easy child any more. I don't think she has been one for a long time. It's just that compared to your difficult child, she seems a lot more stable. But she is not qualified to be labelled a easy child any more.</p><p></p><p>Whatever consequences you impose, they need to be enforceable. There is no point grounding a kid who simply won't come home. What are the added consequences for not coming home? Because by crikey, if one of my kids did this to me, their heads would be spinning. I'd be threatening to charge those harbouring her, with kidnap and harbouring a criminal. Whatever I could find, whatever I could think of. I would be polite to them but make it clear - she is only carrying on like this because SHE did the wrong thing, repeatedly, and now is trying to weasel out of the consequences. I would also point out to her - she has one friend left, and if she puts that friend in a difficult position (by going there instead of home, where she is supposed to be) then she will not be permitted to have anything more to do with that friend. I would get the parents of tat friend enlisted. I don't care about lack of social interaction, not if she abuses social interaction like this.</p><p></p><p>Then it's back to basics. Provide for her just the basics, nothing more. The dogs? Find another home for them. Even just a short-term home, until she can prove she can behave responsibly. Send them somewhere they can be house-trained, for a start. If she whines - well, they need to be trained. Someone has to do it. She refused. Heck, put them in a kennel if you have to, and make her work to pay the bill.</p><p></p><p>Find where you have leverage, and use it. And stick to it. Do not back down. </p><p></p><p>If this happened with one of my kids, I would be ropable. I am certain you are too. Use it constructively. I am a firm believer in using anger constructively. You can clear a bedroom fast and fill a skip fast, when you're fuelled by anger.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 406653, member: 1991"] She's a difficult child. Or maybe a easy child/difficult child like my younger daughter. But her behaviour - I am amazed you still classify her s a easy child. This is not typical teen behaviour. As I see it - she did the wrong thing. Repeatedly. Over and over while you were away. Before you went away. Constantly. She hasn't planned ahead with her bad actions, she just reacts to the NOW and then has even more crud of her own making to deal with afterwards. When she is then in trouble, she yells, she cries, she threatens suicide. Not acceptable. My view - a suicide threat means you get dragged off to hospital and an attempt is made to admit you. Or you get dragged off to a psychiatrist. No objections can be made, no "I've changed my mind! I didn't mean it!" Because if you said it and didn't mean it, then you are the absolute lowest of the low, manipulative pieces of crud... and need to be told so. So which is it, my dear child? Did you mean it when you said it and don't mean it now, perhaps? If so - psychiatrist. Are you just being manipulative to try to reduce your consequences in the minute? psychiatrist. If she won't come home, she's under-age (just) and CPS are after you - sorry, you have to call the cops. It shows that you are not allowing her any wiggle room. Pain in the rear to have to do it, it won't achieve a darn thing (other than show CPS that you are not condoning her bad behaviour). But you need to cover your own rear. CPS are after you because of HER bad behaviour. So you cannot condone it (I know you're not, but you need to be SEEN to not condone it). Writing "deceased" on the bill and sending it back - very naughty. Total mischief. QAbsolutely no excuse. This, from someone who will soon, technically at least, be an adult? She wants to be allowed to live as an adult, be given adult responsibilities, be allowed to make her own choices? Sorry, she has shown that she not only cannot, but will not behave as anything other than a wilful brat. I dod get that she's had a lot to deal with, living with the hassles caused by difficult child. Sorry - no excuse. In out household we've had a lot of problems from having a houseful of Aspies & autistics, easy child has at times not been very easy child, if you know what I mean. But she has NEVER come close to behaving so irresponsibly. Please, do not allow anyone to make allowances for her - she will just use that to the nth degree and keep upping the ante. So she has lost friendships because of the shoplifting? Natural consequences. So you grounded her (quite right, too) and now she responds by refusing to come home? Brat. Bad behaviour, childish behaviour. And yes, very manipulative. She probably does mean it when she says, "I wish I was dead," I remember what it feels like to have done the wrong thing and be cared to face the consequences of my actions. I remember having to carry a letter home from my teacher, I knew I had to give it to my mother and I knew I would be in big trouble when she read it. But I knew that if I did not, there would be a worse consequences for failing to follow through. I was capable of thinking it through (I did consider all the possible ways to get out of trouble - but I knew trouble would magnify if I tried it). My entire walk home was spent turning over all the ways I could try to get out of trouble. Running away - I knew it wouldn't work. I would be found. There was nobody I could go to, who would shelter me from a righteously angry mother. I could have stopped off on the way home to confide in a neighbour, but it would only delay the inevitable. She has to face her consequences. Depression - I get that. But it does not excuse the large problems she has been causing you for a long time. She wanted dogs, but won't look after them. While you were away she let them run loose and then threw hysterics when a neighbour tried to sort out the chaos. She behaved badly in your absence. Before you left, you were concerned at her feeling neglected. You were also concerned at who would keep her in line while you were away. You tried to get her to come with you - she refused. She said she would be better staying put, she would look after things, look after herself, after all she was nearly an adult, she could behave responsibly. Only she didn't. She hasn't. I keep reading your posts waiting for her t finally get this out of her system and step up to the plate, and she has not. Therefore - she is NOT a easy child any more. I don't think she has been one for a long time. It's just that compared to your difficult child, she seems a lot more stable. But she is not qualified to be labelled a easy child any more. Whatever consequences you impose, they need to be enforceable. There is no point grounding a kid who simply won't come home. What are the added consequences for not coming home? Because by crikey, if one of my kids did this to me, their heads would be spinning. I'd be threatening to charge those harbouring her, with kidnap and harbouring a criminal. Whatever I could find, whatever I could think of. I would be polite to them but make it clear - she is only carrying on like this because SHE did the wrong thing, repeatedly, and now is trying to weasel out of the consequences. I would also point out to her - she has one friend left, and if she puts that friend in a difficult position (by going there instead of home, where she is supposed to be) then she will not be permitted to have anything more to do with that friend. I would get the parents of tat friend enlisted. I don't care about lack of social interaction, not if she abuses social interaction like this. Then it's back to basics. Provide for her just the basics, nothing more. The dogs? Find another home for them. Even just a short-term home, until she can prove she can behave responsibly. Send them somewhere they can be house-trained, for a start. If she whines - well, they need to be trained. Someone has to do it. She refused. Heck, put them in a kennel if you have to, and make her work to pay the bill. Find where you have leverage, and use it. And stick to it. Do not back down. If this happened with one of my kids, I would be ropable. I am certain you are too. Use it constructively. I am a firm believer in using anger constructively. You can clear a bedroom fast and fill a skip fast, when you're fuelled by anger. Marg [/QUOTE]
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