Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
easy child's moving on sat.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 420110" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>She is one mixed up, confused, messed up hurting kid, isn't she? You are absolutely doing the only thing you can right now. While NY is bizarre in demanding that parents support kids until they are 21 (and it is state law there and a major reason I won't ever live there!), it will not be a problem for you. As others have said, as long as you are "willing" to have her come home and live by the rules in your home, then you are in the clear. If she does go to DSS for food stamps, housing help, etc... she will find this out for herself. I think a major reason for the laws that say parents have to support them and keep them at home until age 21 is that many many young adults went for food stamps, etc... because they didn't want to follow the rules at home. Not awful rules, just normal rules that we all have. So by doing this they get the kids off of the system's back and let them know that if they are not willing to follow the rules then they better get a job and figure things out because the State isn't going to do it for them. I still think the rule is nuts, but I do see some logic. </p><p> </p><p>Before she EVER comes into your home again after she moves out, you MUST have a signed agreement that she will abide by the rules and what the consequences are for violating each one. If the rule is that you must be home by curfew and stay home until dawn breaks and the consequence is that you must move out in 48 hours if you violate this, it MUST be in writing. She also will NEED to pay rent. After she is 18 she needs to learn to pay these bills, and charging her rent is a good way to help train her. Doesn't have to be a lot, but enough that she has to have a job to help keep her out of trouble. If she isn't in school this is especially true. </p><p> </p><p>If you let her in and the contract doesn't say that if she violates the rule she has to move out in X amt of time, you might end up with her home, refusing to follow any rule or do anything you ask, even stealing from you and destroying your home, and you won't be able to make her leave with-o formally evicting her. The courts take more than 30 days and you could be forced to follow the court's rules, prove she is breaking the rules and violated her "contract" with you as her landlord, and then still have her in your home as she gets the 30 day warning and several court hearings before you can lock her out. If she is under 21 the judge may give you a really hard time or even tell you that you don't have grounds to evict her.</p><p></p><p>So make that contract iron-clad and make SURE that for issues you would evict her over that the contract spells them out in great detail, including the # of hours she has before she won't be allowed on the premises.</p><p> </p><p>That is the legal/technical stuff. </p><p></p><p>I am SO SORRY that it worked out this way. I hate the way she just flat out has no regard for you or her home with you. I know it is breaking your heart and that you will worry about her. You are handling it very well. I don't know if xanax would be enough to help me work this out in my heart. Esp not knowing where she will be or who she will be with at night. in my opinion not telling you is cruel. </p><p> </p><p>Before you leave on Sat while she is getting "her" stuff out, make sure you label what she is allowed to take and let her know if anything else is taken that you will file a police report and press charges for stealing against her and all of her friends. Take a video of each room, or at least a photograph, so that you know what is there and if something is gone when you come back you will have proof that it w as there. Try to have something showing the date in the photos. </p><p> </p><p>Don't assume she isn't going to take things that you don't want her to take. Or that a locked door will keep her and her friends out of anywhere. Heck, youtube has videos for how to make and use bump keys - both are easy (making and using) and they will open almost every door, including deadbolts. I don't know if her friends know about them, but they are very popular here esp at the high school.</p><p> </p><p>Whatever happens, just let yourself feel what you are feeling. No shoulds in feelings!!</p><p> </p><p>vvent all you need to. This is a very traumatic thing for a parent (and likely the child also, though they wouldn't admit it) and all you can do is get through it as best you can. I DO think you need to figure out that contract before Saturday and be ready for anything. If the family she is staying with suddenly decides that they don't want her there, and this has happened to other parents here in the past, you are going to have to have some plan to act on. I would insist that she see the therapist ASAP - this will truly be a crisis as easy child will be upset and will likely take it on you. Have that contract ready and tell her if she won't sign it and follow it then she should make sure the door doesn't hit her in the tushie on the way out.</p><p> </p><p>Sending lots and lots of hugs and support to help through this hard time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 420110, member: 1233"] She is one mixed up, confused, messed up hurting kid, isn't she? You are absolutely doing the only thing you can right now. While NY is bizarre in demanding that parents support kids until they are 21 (and it is state law there and a major reason I won't ever live there!), it will not be a problem for you. As others have said, as long as you are "willing" to have her come home and live by the rules in your home, then you are in the clear. If she does go to DSS for food stamps, housing help, etc... she will find this out for herself. I think a major reason for the laws that say parents have to support them and keep them at home until age 21 is that many many young adults went for food stamps, etc... because they didn't want to follow the rules at home. Not awful rules, just normal rules that we all have. So by doing this they get the kids off of the system's back and let them know that if they are not willing to follow the rules then they better get a job and figure things out because the State isn't going to do it for them. I still think the rule is nuts, but I do see some logic. Before she EVER comes into your home again after she moves out, you MUST have a signed agreement that she will abide by the rules and what the consequences are for violating each one. If the rule is that you must be home by curfew and stay home until dawn breaks and the consequence is that you must move out in 48 hours if you violate this, it MUST be in writing. She also will NEED to pay rent. After she is 18 she needs to learn to pay these bills, and charging her rent is a good way to help train her. Doesn't have to be a lot, but enough that she has to have a job to help keep her out of trouble. If she isn't in school this is especially true. If you let her in and the contract doesn't say that if she violates the rule she has to move out in X amt of time, you might end up with her home, refusing to follow any rule or do anything you ask, even stealing from you and destroying your home, and you won't be able to make her leave with-o formally evicting her. The courts take more than 30 days and you could be forced to follow the court's rules, prove she is breaking the rules and violated her "contract" with you as her landlord, and then still have her in your home as she gets the 30 day warning and several court hearings before you can lock her out. If she is under 21 the judge may give you a really hard time or even tell you that you don't have grounds to evict her. So make that contract iron-clad and make SURE that for issues you would evict her over that the contract spells them out in great detail, including the # of hours she has before she won't be allowed on the premises. That is the legal/technical stuff. I am SO SORRY that it worked out this way. I hate the way she just flat out has no regard for you or her home with you. I know it is breaking your heart and that you will worry about her. You are handling it very well. I don't know if xanax would be enough to help me work this out in my heart. Esp not knowing where she will be or who she will be with at night. in my opinion not telling you is cruel. Before you leave on Sat while she is getting "her" stuff out, make sure you label what she is allowed to take and let her know if anything else is taken that you will file a police report and press charges for stealing against her and all of her friends. Take a video of each room, or at least a photograph, so that you know what is there and if something is gone when you come back you will have proof that it w as there. Try to have something showing the date in the photos. Don't assume she isn't going to take things that you don't want her to take. Or that a locked door will keep her and her friends out of anywhere. Heck, youtube has videos for how to make and use bump keys - both are easy (making and using) and they will open almost every door, including deadbolts. I don't know if her friends know about them, but they are very popular here esp at the high school. Whatever happens, just let yourself feel what you are feeling. No shoulds in feelings!! vvent all you need to. This is a very traumatic thing for a parent (and likely the child also, though they wouldn't admit it) and all you can do is get through it as best you can. I DO think you need to figure out that contract before Saturday and be ready for anything. If the family she is staying with suddenly decides that they don't want her there, and this has happened to other parents here in the past, you are going to have to have some plan to act on. I would insist that she see the therapist ASAP - this will truly be a crisis as easy child will be upset and will likely take it on you. Have that contract ready and tell her if she won't sign it and follow it then she should make sure the door doesn't hit her in the tushie on the way out. Sending lots and lots of hugs and support to help through this hard time. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
easy child's moving on sat.
Top