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Ebbs and flows - It's bad again... feel like I'm falling. Wisdom?
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<blockquote data-quote="auntalva" data-source="post: 401419" data-attributes="member: 7210"><p>Dear Bean,</p><p> It sounds like you are scared you will "lose" your mother over this mess. Why don't you <strong>write her a letter</strong> expressing your concerns? Putting it down in writing helps us to organize our thoughts and avoid saying something we might later regret, plus, she would have the opportunity to read it several times, and think over it, rather than reacting in haste or too emotionally.</p><p> If I were in your shoes, I guess I would feel very <strong>unsupported</strong> (or even betrayed) by my parents. Their actions seem to imply that they think they can do better than you at parenting this difficult child. BUT you know that you have done the best you can. Something is wrong, the drug addiction or psychological disorders or both. I mean, look at the other children you are raising; they do not have these behaviors. </p><p> </p><p> If they want to make the mistake of thinking they can "fix' their granddaughter or help her in some way, that is their business. Even though it hurts you to see them being victimized by your daughter, you cannot interfere. You cannot control what they think or do, anymore than you can your out-of-control daughter. As others have said, time and experience will eventually bring them to their senses, and they will finally realize that you were right, understand your feelings or attitude.</p><p>But also, please consider that:</p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">This situation is <strong>temporary</strong>. It is probably 'wrong thinking' to believe that you are losing your mother <em>forever.</em></li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">You have <strong>four other children</strong> who have a relationship with your mother. Neither you nor she will want to give that up.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Try to develop more <strong>empathy </strong>for your parents. They are probably feeling some (unjustified, but understandable) humiliation and shame because of the allegations your daughter had made about her grandfather's having molested her, and so, they are trying to 'prove' their love by helping her out now. Grandparents have not lived 24/7 with this child, so they do not recognize the emotional blackmail and manipulation that your difficult child is engaging in, for what it is.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">Remember that your parents are a <strong>different generation</strong>, and so they do not have the same parenting style that you do, nor do they know as much about psychological/emotional disorders or the affects of substance abuse. They learned their attitudes and 'world view' probably 50 years ago, long before we knew much about co-dependence, 'tough love' and similar topics.</li> </ul><p>Good luck. I'm so sorry for this recent suffering, and will pray for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="auntalva, post: 401419, member: 7210"] Dear Bean, It sounds like you are scared you will "lose" your mother over this mess. Why don't you [B]write her a letter[/B] expressing your concerns? Putting it down in writing helps us to organize our thoughts and avoid saying something we might later regret, plus, she would have the opportunity to read it several times, and think over it, rather than reacting in haste or too emotionally. If I were in your shoes, I guess I would feel very [B]unsupported[/B] (or even betrayed) by my parents. Their actions seem to imply that they think they can do better than you at parenting this difficult child. BUT you know that you have done the best you can. Something is wrong, the drug addiction or psychological disorders or both. I mean, look at the other children you are raising; they do not have these behaviors. If they want to make the mistake of thinking they can "fix' their granddaughter or help her in some way, that is their business. Even though it hurts you to see them being victimized by your daughter, you cannot interfere. You cannot control what they think or do, anymore than you can your out-of-control daughter. As others have said, time and experience will eventually bring them to their senses, and they will finally realize that you were right, understand your feelings or attitude. But also, please consider that: [LIST] [*]This situation is [B]temporary[/B]. It is probably 'wrong thinking' to believe that you are losing your mother [I]forever.[/I] [*]You have [B]four other children[/B] who have a relationship with your mother. Neither you nor she will want to give that up. [*]Try to develop more [B]empathy [/B]for your parents. They are probably feeling some (unjustified, but understandable) humiliation and shame because of the allegations your daughter had made about her grandfather's having molested her, and so, they are trying to 'prove' their love by helping her out now. Grandparents have not lived 24/7 with this child, so they do not recognize the emotional blackmail and manipulation that your difficult child is engaging in, for what it is. [*]Remember that your parents are a [B]different generation[/B], and so they do not have the same parenting style that you do, nor do they know as much about psychological/emotional disorders or the affects of substance abuse. They learned their attitudes and 'world view' probably 50 years ago, long before we knew much about co-dependence, 'tough love' and similar topics. [/LIST]Good luck. I'm so sorry for this recent suffering, and will pray for you. [/QUOTE]
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Ebbs and flows - It's bad again... feel like I'm falling. Wisdom?
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