email I sent to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)

[DavidH]

Hi all.. just wanted to get feedback and make sure I did not miss anything on a letter I sent to the theripist as a guide to what we should talk about in our next family session in a few weeks...

My hope is it does not sound like a parent that "just wants to have child home" as this is not the case.

I wanted to put this in writing for a copy of it and so I hope to cover all I need to.

I think it is time to give Justin some kind of light of hope he can work towards in regards to his departure from XXXXXXX.

This last home pass was very difficult on him and it did not help that my Mom had to bring him back instead of myself.

My thought process is his schooling is my number one concern before anything would happen in regards to departure, so what I would like to discuss is beginning to take the steps toward his home coming to be completed once his is done with what ever schooling is needed to assure he is going into the 10th grade next school year.

To me this looks like finals are completed the first part of June. I am not 100% on that though.

What I would like to see is him given goals that he must accomplish in order to have a successful release and it be put in his control, like he must be AGM and or working towards (and getting) one or more of the petitioned privileges with in AGM and have completed 9th grade with passing grades.

I think we all would agree he is doing very well, I have also talked to him about after care and told him it is an expectation that we will be involved in any and all that is possible for myself to be involved in keeping in mind I am a single parent and do have to work and am afraid that some of the times may be difficult due to my working.

We can go over this next family session or when ever you want to after you talk to whom you need to. But I do want to give Justin something to work towards with an open end date he must meet.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

David,

I think it's great that Justin is doing well. I also understand your desire to have some sort of goal for release. However, I wonder if the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has given you any indication as to when they believe he will be ready? I would think that a longer home leave pass would be in order as a carrot as well.

I think you are right to push them to set some goals. Is there any way you can speak with the therapist before the family session? It would be good if you could both be on the same page so you don't have to discuss the various options in front of Justin.

Sharon

 

[susiestar]

The letter is a good idea. What time frame did they give you when he first went into the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Are you near that time?

How did he behave at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) after the rough home pass? How did he cope? The home visits SHOULD have some difficult times. Living at home is not easy, nor is it a vacation. I think the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and phosps sometimes want us to make the visits as non-stressful as possible. This would mean giving the difficult child a false sense of what things will be like when he comes home.

Just my thought.

Susie

 

[DavidH]

Hello... as far as their release date.. there is none never was, in dealing with them they alwasy said most boys.. 9 to 12 months - and this is about what I am seeing... a few have been in over a years, but mostly those are the ones with addictions as well they are dealing with.

He has been in since July 30th of 2007 - so he is at the 9th month mark now - with a min of at least 2 months to go in school

His home passes are coming about once every three weeks now.. the last was the hardest.. he just could not handle the thought of me not with him for the last hour and a half of the pass.. but in the end he did.. after gallons of tears... he did well not begging or complaining and certainly not rude... but trying to find a way dad could drive him back (work had me stuck past the time he had to be back) - in the end I could of driven hm back but it got to the point I told myself.. DO NOT GIVE IN he has to deal with disapointments and I stuck to my guns and let his grammy take him back... he called like 6 times on the drive back,.. just to talk...

I feared him going back in such an emotional state... but I just heard back from his theripist... here is the letter she sent in reply to my note (above) I sent this AM

I have taken out allot of the email with personal info.. so hope it makes sense......

I will share your email with treatment team tomorrow and start to get them thinking about what might be a reasonable goal/timeline for Justin. I definitely hear what you are saying about giving him a light at the end of the tunnel. One concern I have about sending him home too early in the summer is worrying about him having too much unstructured time at home before school starts. Historically I have found that it is a mistake to send them home mid-summer but if you have some plans lined up for him it may be a different story. I am going to call his case manager today and follow up with her about the schooling issue for next year because I think we need to get on that now.
He has still been on a positive roll since he got back and I think we are going to start targeting his self-confidence over the next couple of weeks and trying to boost that up.

 

[DDD]

I, too, think that it is appropriate for you to ask for specific guidelines as the path to returning home. It has been my experience that parents have to walk a fine line when dealing with the professionals that they have chosen (or have been chosen) to help their child learn to function appropriately in the real world.

on the other hand your frequent references to his Grandmother does make it appear that his home environment has not been resolved yet either. Teens are very perceptive and often dwell on the weakest spot in their family. A teen who has been troubled is doubly aware of every aspect of unrest.
in my humble opinion his chances of success are based on many aspects as it is and has been for all our kids, and finding a positive peaceful coexistence with his
Grandmother is foremost. Your relationship sounds like a bad marriage
relationship with resentements and jealousy and perhaps unhealthy
other issues. He needs more than one parent. He needs the security of having faith that he is loved by both of you...as he recognizes that both of you are imperfect, just like he is imperfect. DDD

 

[DavidH]

DDD

I do agree, but also maybe my fault that I do not post each step that I have been working on ... while there are issues with g-mom, we have sat and had heart to hearts about them,

her feelings are hurt by his actions like his return to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) after his visit, but she understands what I explained to her and she even said she was sorry for her actions during the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) visits on family day.. i guess the bottom line is she is begining to understand he is not her little boy any longer... will we ever get her to stop thinking of the "us" as one.. I really do not think so, but she does see that he has begun to grow and is not her little pumpkin pie any longer I am sure it hurts - shoot it rotts for me to not get the hugs and kisses I used to... but it is ok, he is growing in way more ways than even I would of dreamed - will home ever be perfect... nope no way... being a single parent is the worst.. but I would rather have it this way then he of been raised with two parents being how his bm is -

I guess I have concluded if I continue to just wait for perfection in him or home life he will be in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) forever - as I can only control my own house .. make sense?

 

[meowbunny]

You wrote a good letter and I like the therapist's response. There is no question that coming home to a totally unstructured home is really hard for our kids. For Justin, it would be doubly hard because you're stuck working weekends -- that's going to make it hard even when he's in school. Even though your mother is beginning to understand that her little boy is growing up, I doubt she'll be able to give him the structure he'll need while you're working. So, be very concrete in what will happen when he comes home -- from wake up time to bed time, to the times in between. That doesn't mean every minute has to be covered, just that there have to be set schedules and those must be adhered to by everyone involved in his life.

No question single parenthood stinks. Sometimes, couple parenting is even worse, as you stated. You're doing an awesome job. Don't ever feel guilty (well, try not to) about raising your son alone. Kids survive single parents quite well. They know they're loved and, hopefully, one day they'll even appreciate the sacrifices made by their parent. You and Justin are close. He's secure in your love. That's the best gift you'll ever give him.