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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 602344" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Skotti, that DOES sound alot like what difficult child described feeling last Fall. Except she would hear scary things, too. Things that weren't there.</p><p></p><p>So, this is the update on difficult child. </p><p></p><p>She called four days ago. They were doing fine. She was happy to have been rescued. Reported plans for finding work and putting her life back together. The plan was to get a car, and to go and get her kids. I told her that would be the wrong thing to do. That the kids are adjusting well, and that she should try to see their safety and stability as blessings. difficult child's response was that the only reason she was "doing this" was to get her kids back. (Trying to get better is what she meant, I think ~ although, as you know, difficult child did not voluntarily leave with the rescuer ~ he dragged her out.) That night, we received another call from difficult child. She had been drinking. The rescuer was a fearsome person, and she had made her escape. Frantic, panicked words. Fear in them. The next morning, it appeared that the rescuer had been able to drag difficult child back to the safe place in the North. </p><p></p><p>Yesterday, difficult child called from a casino in the city where the bad man lives, and where she has spent the winter homeless.</p><p></p><p>She has escaped the rescuer, is happily back with the baddies.</p><p></p><p>But here is the good news.</p><p></p><p>husband and I had a momentary lapse. We had believed we might be seeing difficult child this past weekend. What has happened is disappointing, but it is not a devastation. I feel badly for difficult child that this is so. Emotionally, she is slipping away from us. Her daughters are sometimes curious about difficult child. Mostly, they have gone on. Her sons, who are smaller and are with their father, have just gone on. Though it was hard to come back to this area, though any visit to the city where difficult child has been homeless has been a terrible experience for me...the last time we were there wasn't as harrowing as the first few times were. Even husband and I are going on, are accepting what is, in the most amazing way. </p><p></p><p>What will there be for difficult child to come back to? Hearts don't really harden. But they do fill with other, fresher, happier things....</p><p></p><p>Is that a piece of the reason mothers continue carrying that torch for their difficult child kids long past the time it makes any difference to anyone but the mother?</p><p></p><p>Here is an interesting thing: You all know I am making a conscious effort to choose a more positive mindset. You know I have been working with the Joel Osteen and the Brene Brown materials. Even right now, I can feel the difference in the words I am choosing to interpret these last few experiences with difficult child to myself. I feel more welcoming to difficult child. I am able to remember so many positives. But I am not (and therefore, husband is less) devastated by her choice to go right back to that self-destructive lifestyle. Either we have done our grieving as we have had to accept what the ultimate outcome here might be...or we are actually able to make a difference for ourselves in consciously choosing a healthier emotional reaction to what our difficult child is doing.</p><p></p><p>So, it seems that there is a way for parents to choose healthier emotional states for themselves. This would be possible for husband and I only because we aren't really dealing with anything physical. difficult child never comes home. We have not seen her in person since last October. We still have our grandchildren in our lives, etc. </p><p></p><p>We DID go and empty that storage unit. (husband will be collecting the rest, today.) Both husband and I enjoyed it. While there were sad moments, it was fun to see difficult child's things, fun to smell the way her house used to smell. (Sort of a cinnamon/patchouli/taco seasoning smell. Much of what we recovered had been ours in the first place. Everything was clean, and had been carefully packed. </p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 602344, member: 1721"] Skotti, that DOES sound alot like what difficult child described feeling last Fall. Except she would hear scary things, too. Things that weren't there. So, this is the update on difficult child. She called four days ago. They were doing fine. She was happy to have been rescued. Reported plans for finding work and putting her life back together. The plan was to get a car, and to go and get her kids. I told her that would be the wrong thing to do. That the kids are adjusting well, and that she should try to see their safety and stability as blessings. difficult child's response was that the only reason she was "doing this" was to get her kids back. (Trying to get better is what she meant, I think ~ although, as you know, difficult child did not voluntarily leave with the rescuer ~ he dragged her out.) That night, we received another call from difficult child. She had been drinking. The rescuer was a fearsome person, and she had made her escape. Frantic, panicked words. Fear in them. The next morning, it appeared that the rescuer had been able to drag difficult child back to the safe place in the North. Yesterday, difficult child called from a casino in the city where the bad man lives, and where she has spent the winter homeless. She has escaped the rescuer, is happily back with the baddies. But here is the good news. husband and I had a momentary lapse. We had believed we might be seeing difficult child this past weekend. What has happened is disappointing, but it is not a devastation. I feel badly for difficult child that this is so. Emotionally, she is slipping away from us. Her daughters are sometimes curious about difficult child. Mostly, they have gone on. Her sons, who are smaller and are with their father, have just gone on. Though it was hard to come back to this area, though any visit to the city where difficult child has been homeless has been a terrible experience for me...the last time we were there wasn't as harrowing as the first few times were. Even husband and I are going on, are accepting what is, in the most amazing way. What will there be for difficult child to come back to? Hearts don't really harden. But they do fill with other, fresher, happier things.... Is that a piece of the reason mothers continue carrying that torch for their difficult child kids long past the time it makes any difference to anyone but the mother? Here is an interesting thing: You all know I am making a conscious effort to choose a more positive mindset. You know I have been working with the Joel Osteen and the Brene Brown materials. Even right now, I can feel the difference in the words I am choosing to interpret these last few experiences with difficult child to myself. I feel more welcoming to difficult child. I am able to remember so many positives. But I am not (and therefore, husband is less) devastated by her choice to go right back to that self-destructive lifestyle. Either we have done our grieving as we have had to accept what the ultimate outcome here might be...or we are actually able to make a difference for ourselves in consciously choosing a healthier emotional reaction to what our difficult child is doing. So, it seems that there is a way for parents to choose healthier emotional states for themselves. This would be possible for husband and I only because we aren't really dealing with anything physical. difficult child never comes home. We have not seen her in person since last October. We still have our grandchildren in our lives, etc. We DID go and empty that storage unit. (husband will be collecting the rest, today.) Both husband and I enjoyed it. While there were sad moments, it was fun to see difficult child's things, fun to smell the way her house used to smell. (Sort of a cinnamon/patchouli/taco seasoning smell. Much of what we recovered had been ours in the first place. Everything was clean, and had been carefully packed. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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