Ex emailed my mom and oh boy is he ever eating his words now.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Californiablonde, Dec 20, 2012.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Mind you, he sent the email to my mom last night before the big scene happened with difficult child this morning. This is what he had to say in response to my mom's earlier email asking him for his help. "Hi, B. I am not mad, just a little disgusted with the handling of everything and trying to evaluate my position. I have been super busy today so no time to respond to everybody. First off, Cat should not be grabbing the phone from anybody and should have severe consequences. Again, I know I say this a lot, but she doesn't pull that with V (stepmom) and I. It's not that she is afraid of us and that we yell. We demand respect and will not tolerate the whiny **** she pulls with you two. I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT and neither should you guys. I have already texted her a few minutes ago to let her know it needs to stop. Amber can call me in the morning if she does not co operate. I have no hard feelings but just don't understand why she continues to act the way she does. I welcome your input. Thanks, J."

    So after this I call him this morning to get difficult child to school. difficult child screams at him, tells him she refuses to go to school. Also tells him no way in hell she is gonna live with him and he can't make her. Then she hangs up on him. Attempting to call the police is what finally made her get in the car and go to school. Nothing he said convinced her to go. So much for her listening to him and respecting him. That may have been the case long ago, but now she's 15 and she's not taking any of his c-r-a-p. So he gets to eat his words. The kids are spending the weekend with him and boy it should be interesting to find out what happens. I am fully 100% ready to give over difficult child to her dad. easy child will still live with me. I can't continue to battle like this. I am late to work because of it and my job is in jeopardy. He can have her. If she doesn't go to school tomorrow I am dropping her off at her dad's and leaving her there for good. I figure that even though my child support will stop, I can at least get the court to get ex to pay half of my son's daycare. difficult child thinks she has it tough now. She has no idea what's in store for her at her dad's. She decided to tempt fate and now she ruined it for herself.
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Doesn't that require a change to the court orders? You officially have residential custody.
     
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I will do whatever it takes, even if that means going to court. Now my job is in jeopardy. I love my job and can't risk losing it. Getting a job in another school system doing my position would be next to impossible. I don't know what else to do. She's ruining it for everybody.
     
  4. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Oh and I am taking away her cell phone. Should be a fun night. Wish me luck.
     
  5. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    I know this must be so frustrating. Do you think that she maybe doesn't give Dad the respect he demands because she is at your house and she knows it won't be enforced? I absolutley think that you need to let her go to Dad's and at least give him a shot with his strictness. Tough love goes a long way sometimes. It sounds like she knows how to push you around and if she's able to, she will! I know it's a hard thing to do, be strong!
     
  6. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    And good luck!
     
  7. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Last night went quite well. She accepted the fact that I took her cell phone away okay. She argued at first but then she accepted it. I think now that she's older she's learning to stand up to her dad a little more. A few weeks ago she argued with him and got pretty defiant with him and he asked me to come pick her up early. I refused. If I have to put up with her defiance then so should he without me having to go and rescue him. He is full of **** when he says she never argues or disrespects him. Now that she's 15 she is more defiant with him as well as me. He is just trying to act like he's the better parent because supposedly she listens to him. Reality is she hates both her mom and her stepdad and has no respect for either one of them, especially since they bad mouth me all the time in front of her. She may think I'm a terrible parent for making her do things she doesn't want to do, but when it comes down to it she is fiercely loyal to me. Something she could never say about him.
     
  8. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Well difficult child needs a medication ajustment and she's gone manic. She's barely sleeping. I hope her dad can handle it. Sometimes he asks me to pick them up early if she doesn't behave but I have all my Christmas shopping to do this weekend. Hopefully things go smoothly at her dad's.
     
  9. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Thought I'd get more responses to this but I guess not. difficult child texted me from her dad's and told me he was going to make her work hard to teach her respect. I have no idea what he's gonna have her do. Will be interesting to find out. Who knows? Maybe it will actually do her some good.
     
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If she is manic this weekend, it might be good for X to see that... to actually get some idea of the "real" picture.
     
  11. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Sorry to hear she is needing medication adjustments. Does she need a appointment with psychiatrist to order a adjustment, or is it prearranged and something you are just able to start at home? I hope that she maintains at dads so that you can get your things done this weekend. However if she does act up, it is a great time to be conveniently unavailable for a call to come pick her up early. A great opportunity for your ex to get a taste of full blown meltdown and non compliance, and a great time for difficult child to see what life might be like daily, very soon, if she continues to refuse to allow you to parent, leading you to send her to dads to see if that might straighten her out a bit.

    I know you weren't on the board back in the day when my Matt was still a total difficult child. His father was non existent in his life, but things were out of control and he refused to allow me to parent. It mattered not what help and support I had from counselor etc. He was NOT going to be parented. Then he started during meltdowns insisting life would be fine with dad, it was all me blah blah blah. Well that was some magical thinking seeing as he could count visits with bio dad on his one hand in his lifetime. After a long period of that, I blew one night when he pulled that card again and called him on it. Told him to never say it again unless he meant it because frankly he could darn well GO then to dad's and see if life magically righted itself. I also told him if he decided on that, he had one return ticket home, on the condition that he would NOT be coming back home until he could participate in our life as a functioning and non abusive member of our family. Imagine my shock when he called MY bluff, and phoned his paternal grandmother to get contact info from his dad. Yes he had to use a third party to track his father down, because his dad was THAT off the radar from parenting. Well it took all of 48 hours for me to complete follow through. I was in a state of shock, having been actually trying to just end the insistence that the grass would be greener at dads. I never expected him to call him in a rage and make arrangements, never imagined bio dad would say yes. I mean, the man was the poster parent for "absent". Well the man arrived in town, I went to court to enter a agreement on consent (allowing to not appear in front of a judge) and altered the custody arrangement. We loaded difficult child's belongings, and I sobbed like I'd never sobbed. I knew I had to follow through, but never imagined it would come to that. It took only a matter of 5 weeks or so for difficult child to land on his paternal grandmothers door step. Bio dad shipping him on a bus back to town, skipping informing me, to his own mother. Who of course blamed me for difficult child, and figured she could "fix" him. It ultimately was over a year and a few months before difficult child returned home. I remained adamant that he would NOT be living home again (it was killing me, let me be honest, hardest follow through of my life!!!) until he could function in a healthy manner in the family in our home. easy child deserved it. I deserved it. difficult child needed to make it happen, or remain miserable wherever he landed. Because frankly, he was miserable at home anyhow. Long story leading to his return home, but he DID get fed up with the mess he made, and he blew a few chances to come home pretty quick with promises of change that lasted about, oh, half a day before his normal attitude resurfaced. Then he had enough, and IT happened. Reality kicked in. He WANTED his normal life back. His MOM back. His SISTER. His LIFE. He returned home and I'm telling you, all that pain I experienced in that period of time? Worth it.

    Now I know that it wouldnt work for everyone, and kids are all different, and my difficult child had no official diagnosis to work against him either. So it may all be apples and oranges and not be right for your difficult child. But if it continues to be so chaotic with your difficult child, I think it's time for you to make that heart wrenching call. I'm glad to see you are ready to perhaps make the step if difficult child forces your hand. The bottom line is, even though it will NOT be some magical cure to send difficult child to dads, and she may be MISERABLE there, she is also miserable at home. At minimum she makes a large part of your daily life miserable, as your easy child's. And she is impacting not just your home life but also the security you require in your employment. She is refusing to be parented. So barring some sudden change in how she responds to parenting, it is NOT improving in your home. And that is NOT a condemnation of YOU. Just as my difficult child's refusal to accept parenting was NO reflection of me. Even the one psychiatrist who was decent that worked a bit with us, agreed that some kids just get so out of hand that they will NOT accept parenting of ANY type so no new technique or consequence is going to be effective anyhow, but merely be another failed struggle that exhausts us as parents.

    Whatever the solution works out to be as a next step for your difficult child, I do hope that you can have a peaceful holiday, and something more peaceful moving forward long term. Just know that if you send her to dad's, it is NOT because you failed as a parent. It is because you are dealing with a child who refuses to be parented by you. Sometimes you need to shock these kids, while preventing more damage to yourself and your life and your easy child. I actually applaud parents who can say that they have worn out their arsenal and come up with out of the box approaches to try something else. It isn't easy to let go of that daily parenting. I realize after my experience with younger difficult child, that it sometimes is the best kind of love to give.

    Hang in there and I hope that you can have some time to yourself, very important. I also hope that you and easy child can enjoy the holidays, even if difficult child is struggling. Mind you obviously I hope difficult child stabilizes and can enjoy her holiday too. But if she can't, you and easy child deserve a bit of joy too.
     
  12. tammybackagain

    tammybackagain New Member

    Matts mom I think we were going through the same thing at the time, Sent difficult child to live with Bio mom within 6 months she put him on plane then called husband told him difficult child was on way back she couldn't handle him. He got off plane, went straight to psychiatric hospital. but things changed wasn't as bad after because bio wasn't on the table anymore.
     
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well you did it before, you can do it again, he thinks he can fix things, do not take her back early. No matter the threats, because he now is getting it that you will call his bluff and let her go to him. He is NOT going to want easy child/difficult child along with difficult child! Not on a permanent basis. So, hang tough.
     
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