"Explosive Child" Parenting Techniques & Spouse

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bystander, Apr 5, 2007.

  1. bystander

    bystander New Member

    For those of you who use these techniques, does your spouse go along with these techniques?

    I ordered the DVD they had at the website yesterday. Because my husband is older (11 years my senior) I'm concerned that he's going to be too set in his ways to change if DS' issues require a different approach.

    So what happens if one parent uses the Easy Child techniques, but the other uses their own method? I know the optimum, of course, is that both parents are on the same page ... but I guess my question is ... is it more determental to the kid if one parent is using Easy Child and the other is using a "typical" method?
  2. Karen & Crew

    Karen & Crew New Member

    My husband doesn't go along with the techniques because he never finished the darn book. (Of course neither did my parents! UGH!)I know it would make my life a heck of a lot easier if he were on the same page but it just isn't ever going to happen. I think we get along OK. I use the techniques the best I can; everyone else pretty much lets R do whatever the heck causes the least explosive behavior on his part (within reason). Could be better, has been worse.

    Course I fully believe my husband also has untreated ADD also. I KNOW it was diagnosed way back in the 1970's before it became the chic diagnosis but his parents were of the school where he didn't need the Ritalin he was prescribed so much as he needed his behind spanked a few more times.
  3. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Once I realized it was working I bought my husband a copy and told him he needed to read it or follow my lead. He only read three chapters but at least it was something--the two of them still get into it more (male dominance vs. difficult child thing) but he's seen what a huge difference that it makes so he goes along with it most of the time.
  4. helpmehelphim

    helpmehelphim New Member

    I ordered my husband the tapes and put them into his car (he commutes a bit). He listened to them (he wouldn't have read the book...he's not as comfortable reading things as he is listening to them) and said the approach made a lot of sense.

    It has taken him much longer to use it the same way I do but he's coming around (2 years later...). He sees it working as well or perhaps he sees that our home is a much calmer and stress free place to live and he wants to be part of that. He also sees our son's rising ability to communicate now and his use of helpful methods to bring about his own relief and solutions to his problems.

    I don't think it's so wrong to use the different methods. I'm not sure that my husband and I are on the same page a lot of the time. I think that sometimes it teaches our kiddos flexibility and variability to see adults who share so much view things differently. We talk about that (the kids and I). My older ones are almost 12 now and they notice a lot of that kind of stuff.

    You reading the Easy Child and teaching collaboration will be enough in my opinion to help bring about changes for your kiddo. It's not easy stuff....
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    husband has never read the book but I've explained a lot of it to him. We work pretty well together.
  6. kris

    kris New Member

    good job getting husband the CD to listen to rather than nagging him to read the book. trust me husband's are all reistant to this new fangled discipline style lol. it's not just his age.

    i would also try to find quiet, non~stressful times to discuss the theories in the book. don't do it right after an altercations with-difficult child...or when husband is cranky, had a bad day, etc.

    good luck.

  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    You both need to be working as a team on this for it to have a good chance. If you're not, what happens is you stop being the ogre for your child, but husband becomes the focus of all opposition. I can't count the times difficult child 3 slams into his room because husband got 'heavy' with him - difficult child 3 resents it coming from husband, sees him as an obstacle. husband has been really working hard on using the Ross Greene techniques, but there was a delay in him being able to use the techniques (lots of reasons - I get more practice than he does; I read the book first; it took him some time to understand it and more to be able to implement it, especially when he's really tired). That delay meant that we were falling into the trap of "good cop, bad cop" which is NOT good.

    husband really tried to read the book; he just couldn't. He kept falling asleep and his mind 'bleeped over' a lot of passages. He was willing to come on board, we just had trouble finding ways to give him the techniques.

    So what did we do? I summarised it for him (I did it as a book review and I've shared copies around). It was a good test - if I could understand the book well enough to summarise it for husband, then it helped me consolidate the information even more. I could give you a copy of the summary, if you want, but writing your own is really good exercise for you. But then I read the posts that arose on Early Childhood and found them even better than my summary. So I figure - if you can get your partner/child's teacher/grandparents to read the book, that's great. if not, give them a summary. And keep explaining it to them. It helps you rehearse it and get it straight in your own mind so using the techniques becomes almost automatic for you.

    But he does need to be on board, if his life isn't to become very unpleasant, as the focus for all his child's negativity.

  8. Andrea Danielle

    Andrea Danielle New Member

    This question sounded familiar to me too. About 2 years ago, I bought the DVD's online before even knowing about this site and knowing what I great thing I had come across. Sadly the DVD's bored my husband and I, I love Ross Greene but didn't feel inspired after watching him speak on the DVD. I bought the book but as a lot of others experience, my husband could not find the time to read it. Then, last October I took husband to a full day Explosive Child seminar. Ross Greene was really inspirational in person, my husband was sold on it! He still hasn't read the book but he totally gets it now and really tries to be on board.
    I have found some dates of live seminars on his website as well as taped sessions: http://ccps.info/training/index.html

    It is good to have the book to refer to but it really helps to see him in person to get things started.

    Good luck, it is worth the effort!

  9. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I've never read about the explosive child parenting techniques, but I strongly believe, that if both parents are not on the same page, it will cause major problems!!! in my humble opinion, this will make a child with ODD much worse!!!

    I haven't read the others responses as I'm in a hurry this morning, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating advice you've already been given. Anyway, I think you and your husband would benefit from developing a technique that you're both comfortable with. I know at times, my husband and I have had to compromise to make things work. WFEN
  10. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    As long as you two aren't contradicting each other's discipline decisions in front of the child, I don't think it's absolutely essential that he follows the techniques along with you. Who knows, maybe he'll see your success and decide he should try it as well. in my opinion, it's better that at least one of you try this technique than to never try it at all.

    We use a lot of the techniques in the Explosive Child (although it's time I go back and reread and remind myself). husband never read the book, but he eventually followed my lead. He still goes off course, but we're better off than if I had never tried the approach.

  11. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    ordering CD as I type for relatives
  12. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    I would use articles , web pages etc. Most approaches today are choose your battles , so that's basket A and C . Positive reinforcements as opposed to negative ones are in. So what does using basket B help in a kid's development and education. It helps the relationship , the development of various cognitive and life skills and the integration of values

    read chapt 3 from Treating explosive kids by Ross Greene

    Myrna Shure http://thinkingchild.com/

    Bonnie Harris http://bonnieharris.com/

    Alfie Kohn - Unconditional parenting http://alfiekohn.org

    When discussing parenting you may look at 3 areas

    1 influence , control and relationship - our influence on our kids and this will become very apparent in the teenage years which can start 11+ depends really on the quality of the relationship and trust. Limit setting is most effective and becomes more of a self discipline when understanding are reached , the kid and you have examined and empathized with both your concerns , inductive learning than deductive learning. Relationship is not just sharing moments of success , praise , warmth , love but rather communication, dialog , feeling understood , giving a child a voice , respecting her as individual. Education and that is what parenting is all about , the word discipline comes from the latin to teach , hence the word disciple , a student etc , so in Judiasm we call/bless parents , my father- mother, my teacher

    2 Values - The kid uses thinking and understanding , and will integrate the values you are trying to teach, make them his own in his individual and unique way that gives expression to his personality and uniqueness. Here articles by Alfie Kohn - intrinsic motivation and reward vs what's in it for me motivation.

    3 Life and various cognitive skills
    The way we talk with our kids is the greatest educational tool we have . We teach the life skills of getting along with people, problem solving skills and conitive skills such as executive functions , language processing skills, cognitive flexibility, social skills, emotional regualtion skills. Educationalists are becoming more aware that teaching kids how to think is more important than giving information.

    Our relationship with others = empathy
    Our values - prosocial and being a contributor focusing on internal motivation and reward
    Our life skills
    are some of the important gifts we can pass on to our kids.

    If we become proactive parents, working on the front end , rather than reacting to situations that go wrong , we can develop a relationship that will ensure cooperation for both the child and parent's emotional growth, development annd happiness. We have to focus on all the time with our kids , not only when things go wrong.

  13. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member