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Feeling but know it needed to be done
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<blockquote data-quote="Tiapet" data-source="post: 610991" data-attributes="member: 455"><p>MWM, right now there only is my family. My dad is dead, you see the current happenings with my mom who is supposedly dying (I have no real clue how close), I have a sister. That's it. My kids have no other family on there dad's side and no contact with him either. It's just us. I have literally no friends. Partly due to difficult child's being themselves and the trouble it brings as we all know and partly because I know I just can't trust anyone else from previous experience. I have to say that Star is the only one I could call a friend at this point. She actually knows more about my life then most anyone else. There is another person who was from this board but that friendship has seemed to fallen by the wayside as her life too has become so involved and taken over (not her fault and I don't blame her, it happens) though she doesn't even know as much as Star does at this point about me and I've never even met Star in person! I hope some day I can but my physical limitations have stopped me all this time. I've come close a few times but again, my health and physical limitations prevented it. It's sad and lonely. Thank you Sven. I can appreciate what you said. I don't pick up the phone, though so far since the other day no more calls. They have no other way to contact me other then email and postal mail now. Cedar I don't know if I'm a scapegoat or not. I really don't know what it is. I do know that my sister has always been like this to me since she was a child but it's just gotten worse and now her son does it. She has another son who is older but he doesn't participate in this (whether he knows about what's transpired or not I don't even know). He's always been a good kid, guy now. Always had respect for me that I know of just didn't talk to me once he aged. But that isn't surprising as he's lead his own life pretty much and goes about things. He is devoted to his mother but just doesn't have time for garbage like this. I know when my father died my sister and I were on the outs too because my mother turned to me (as she always did) and not her nor could she believe anything bad about my father. She also felt guilt as she thought that somehow in something he did for her caused his death ultimately (long story but in NO WAY is it possible, she was just hanging on to it for whatever reason). He died of an aortic aneurysm. I know my sister has her own mental health issues and always has but is in denial, just like she doesn't believe that mental health problems exist period. I am 100% sure that I will be blamed for all kinds of things as I am now once my mother dies. When the time comes my sister will only have "her and her boys" as she says and her husband and whoever of his family they get along with (I'm not sure if there is any even as they didn't use to). MWM you are very right about the guilt feelings. I have always felt guilt constantly even when nothing was going on. In therapy the woman told me I need to get off the guilt button but I have never ever been able to do that and I can't always even identify what I am feeling feeling guilty for. Know what I mean?? It's insane. Susie you made me cry. Because exactly what MWM said above I started feeling guilty all over again. Guilty because I love it here and I know how much time I do read and follow but don't post and know I should and then don't. I feel like a jerk for not. Then next thing I know I end up back here having to post something to either vent or in some manner seek support. How can I even DARE do such a thing when I have not contributed? I mean it's a 2 way street, or at least should be. No one should take all the time or even the majority of the time and it seems like anymore that's what I am doing. So I in turn, stay away from the board even more because of it. I had re-remailed mother as she apparently didn't realize that my 1st email had the "letter" attached to it along with the voice mail recordings that she had told me in her reply she didn't know anything about (which alerted me she didn't know how to open). I told her how to do it, download and open. She reply short and sweet that it wasn't her intent to disrupt my family, she did not know about the phone calls and when she found out she did not approve and that she would NEVER contact me again. I thought was the end of it. NOPE. Apparently my nephew ended up being the one to help her open the attachments. I get a reply email (thinking it was from her) but it was him using her address and he told me straight out it was him. That his/my sister's intent was to "inform" me of my mother's diagnosis because it's now in the bloodline (for future knowledge) and also to try to get me to talk and the kids to her. He went on to to tell me I was disgraceful for being how I am over this and not talking to her since she is dying, especially since I am also in a similar situation (not cancer necessarily though it's a potential we're looking at possibly on top of other stuff at moment). He condescendingly said "he didn't even know if he had the right number after all because my voice mail box is not set up with my name (cover up) "aw, did I hurt your feelings with the voice mail" and to further threaten me after stating he "didn't threaten me" it was just voice mails and said "IF I did call the police it would have grave consequences for me and my family". SO as I said, I sit here again feeling guilty because "what if" my mother really doesn't know what the heck chaos my sister and son are creating and once again as happened before to her these vultures (and others up there) are taking over her life in her state of weakness? You see at times my mother is nothing more then a little kid. You can see it in her. Innocent and weak and at other times she's this....well I've described it already. It's heart breaking to me because I do not want to see her being manipulated especially in the state I know she's in right now after surgery and mentally overall and what if this IS the time when she truly DID need me? You see? I am fighting the urge very badly and I WILL NOT cave in but the mental torture is just awful that it's playing on my mind. Sickening. You add in the death factor and it just ups the anty because I AM a good person and I know it and it kills me. I would never do this to anyone normally under different circumstances but I know I must......MUST do it. With you guys giving me strength it is helping as well as my SO and my kids who also feel the same way about the whole thing and continue to NOT want to talk to her. I do know the potential for the kids to flip later down the line could happen and it may come back to bite me but I don't think I have a choice at the moment. I'm not forcing them to talk. Argh.......forever guilt like you said MWM. You can never escape it one way or another! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tiapet, post: 610991, member: 455"] MWM, right now there only is my family. My dad is dead, you see the current happenings with my mom who is supposedly dying (I have no real clue how close), I have a sister. That's it. My kids have no other family on there dad's side and no contact with him either. It's just us. I have literally no friends. Partly due to difficult child's being themselves and the trouble it brings as we all know and partly because I know I just can't trust anyone else from previous experience. I have to say that Star is the only one I could call a friend at this point. She actually knows more about my life then most anyone else. There is another person who was from this board but that friendship has seemed to fallen by the wayside as her life too has become so involved and taken over (not her fault and I don't blame her, it happens) though she doesn't even know as much as Star does at this point about me and I've never even met Star in person! I hope some day I can but my physical limitations have stopped me all this time. I've come close a few times but again, my health and physical limitations prevented it. It's sad and lonely. Thank you Sven. I can appreciate what you said. I don't pick up the phone, though so far since the other day no more calls. They have no other way to contact me other then email and postal mail now. Cedar I don't know if I'm a scapegoat or not. I really don't know what it is. I do know that my sister has always been like this to me since she was a child but it's just gotten worse and now her son does it. She has another son who is older but he doesn't participate in this (whether he knows about what's transpired or not I don't even know). He's always been a good kid, guy now. Always had respect for me that I know of just didn't talk to me once he aged. But that isn't surprising as he's lead his own life pretty much and goes about things. He is devoted to his mother but just doesn't have time for garbage like this. I know when my father died my sister and I were on the outs too because my mother turned to me (as she always did) and not her nor could she believe anything bad about my father. She also felt guilt as she thought that somehow in something he did for her caused his death ultimately (long story but in NO WAY is it possible, she was just hanging on to it for whatever reason). He died of an aortic aneurysm. I know my sister has her own mental health issues and always has but is in denial, just like she doesn't believe that mental health problems exist period. I am 100% sure that I will be blamed for all kinds of things as I am now once my mother dies. When the time comes my sister will only have "her and her boys" as she says and her husband and whoever of his family they get along with (I'm not sure if there is any even as they didn't use to). MWM you are very right about the guilt feelings. I have always felt guilt constantly even when nothing was going on. In therapy the woman told me I need to get off the guilt button but I have never ever been able to do that and I can't always even identify what I am feeling feeling guilty for. Know what I mean?? It's insane. Susie you made me cry. Because exactly what MWM said above I started feeling guilty all over again. Guilty because I love it here and I know how much time I do read and follow but don't post and know I should and then don't. I feel like a jerk for not. Then next thing I know I end up back here having to post something to either vent or in some manner seek support. How can I even DARE do such a thing when I have not contributed? I mean it's a 2 way street, or at least should be. No one should take all the time or even the majority of the time and it seems like anymore that's what I am doing. So I in turn, stay away from the board even more because of it. I had re-remailed mother as she apparently didn't realize that my 1st email had the "letter" attached to it along with the voice mail recordings that she had told me in her reply she didn't know anything about (which alerted me she didn't know how to open). I told her how to do it, download and open. She reply short and sweet that it wasn't her intent to disrupt my family, she did not know about the phone calls and when she found out she did not approve and that she would NEVER contact me again. I thought was the end of it. NOPE. Apparently my nephew ended up being the one to help her open the attachments. I get a reply email (thinking it was from her) but it was him using her address and he told me straight out it was him. That his/my sister's intent was to "inform" me of my mother's diagnosis because it's now in the bloodline (for future knowledge) and also to try to get me to talk and the kids to her. He went on to to tell me I was disgraceful for being how I am over this and not talking to her since she is dying, especially since I am also in a similar situation (not cancer necessarily though it's a potential we're looking at possibly on top of other stuff at moment). He condescendingly said "he didn't even know if he had the right number after all because my voice mail box is not set up with my name (cover up) "aw, did I hurt your feelings with the voice mail" and to further threaten me after stating he "didn't threaten me" it was just voice mails and said "IF I did call the police it would have grave consequences for me and my family". SO as I said, I sit here again feeling guilty because "what if" my mother really doesn't know what the heck chaos my sister and son are creating and once again as happened before to her these vultures (and others up there) are taking over her life in her state of weakness? You see at times my mother is nothing more then a little kid. You can see it in her. Innocent and weak and at other times she's this....well I've described it already. It's heart breaking to me because I do not want to see her being manipulated especially in the state I know she's in right now after surgery and mentally overall and what if this IS the time when she truly DID need me? You see? I am fighting the urge very badly and I WILL NOT cave in but the mental torture is just awful that it's playing on my mind. Sickening. You add in the death factor and it just ups the anty because I AM a good person and I know it and it kills me. I would never do this to anyone normally under different circumstances but I know I must......MUST do it. With you guys giving me strength it is helping as well as my SO and my kids who also feel the same way about the whole thing and continue to NOT want to talk to her. I do know the potential for the kids to flip later down the line could happen and it may come back to bite me but I don't think I have a choice at the moment. I'm not forcing them to talk. Argh.......forever guilt like you said MWM. You can never escape it one way or another! :( [/QUOTE]
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