Feeling but know it needed to be done

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Tiapet, Oct 26, 2013.

  1. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Hello family. I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. I do read. Life is crazy as it is for ya'll too but I've just not been able to bring myself to do much of anything these days. I'm tapped out and I do feel guilty all the way around. I've got no wise words for anyone. I'm here because I've just had to do something horrible but I knew I had to do it. Anyone that followed my posts back from last March (?){can't find in archives to link any old but} when I brought my mother and step father down due to the cancer situation and all that happened may understand this, or not. After severing the ties at that time when they up and did what they did I've had no contact with them since as I said I needed to do. I mean absolutely NONE! Which brings me to current. I had gotten a email from my mother about 4 months after she left and in it she was complaining about some money I hadn't paid her (I was a month behind on a payment arrangement). Let's be clear on what that was. First of all I didn't "owe" her the money. It was money I "offered" for an item she was leaving behind because she could not take with her and all her stuff she HAD to leave behind I was now going to have to deal with getting rid of. They came down in a 22 ft rental truck {recall that I had been the one who had to find someone to donate it for them too}, went back in only what would fit in a mini van. Very big difference! I was being nice an offering the money as I had a use for the item and I knew she could use the money. Anyway, in the email she tells me to apply the balance (a whole $79) to my 3 kids birthdays for the year. That was all that was stated in the email. When I sent the money I'd send it registered return receipt no other enclosures with the payment so that I knew she got it and no other person and no way she could say she didn't get it either (as has happened in past with things). Next time I hear from her was a month later(Aug). In that one she apologizes for "hurting me so much" because she was acting out due to the cancer situation and taking it out on me. That there was "no reason that anything that was said or done against me". Let's be clear of what happened back then, it was not that. If ya'll recall this has been lifelong stuff going on repeatedly and what transpired was no different just worse. Some I didn't post here of course. Then I get a very short and simple email (Oct) that says "I don't know if you want to know or care but I have breast cancer and have to have surgery". I never responded to any of her emails and she never knew if I was even getting them. Ok well normally someone would react differently then I did of course since I know the drama that is created in the past. But in the mean time just around that time my step father's daughter was in our area and facebooked my older daughter in hoping to reach me (she's not on her list). She didn't respond but did tell me. This was about 4 weeks ago. My SO gets a call on a google number he's had for years (and we didn't even know they knew or how they got) 4 nights ago from my sister stating she wanted to mend the fences with me but in reality it's only really been about my mother getting to talk to the kids. Then my sister, who let's be clear the last contact with her was to me via text and she was and always is vile, told me to never contact her again or she would file embarrassment charges (this from the person who contacted ME!) and that was Nov/Dec of 2012, facebooked my older daughter as well (she's also not on her list) and told her about her Grandmother's cancer and how I am brainwashing all my kids against her and that she can be an adult that she is and contact her. Fact is my daughter is the one who DOESN'T want to do it, her choice, not mine. So, I decided enough was enough (mother bear tendencies as I know this was now upsetting my daughter because she came to me) and I texted my sister. Mind you since all this transpired many months ago all of our cell numbers have been changed so no one could reach us at all other then postal mail (which no one attempted). I asked her to back off, let her know it was my daughter's choice and why we were not contacting my mother even with this situation at hand now. That my children are not in a place that is good to do so (the heck with that NONE of them desire to speak to her either!). Of course my sister would have none of it. She doesn't and has never accepted mental illness at all and thinks it's a bunch of **** and that I'm the problem and created my kids "brainwashing" of not only the illness but how they feel about their Grandmother (not that they lived through all that she has done while living with us and away from us). She has viciously vile words for me as well as ending the conversation telling me I was fat, lazy, and wishing me dead. I simply said yes I am and yes I will thank. I also told her to grow up. I think it was short simple and appropriate. Next thing I know my cell phone is ringing and it's her. My daughter refused for me to answer (not that I was) and she grabbed it to try and get her to stop bugging. She spoke politely, respectfully and tried to make my sister understand that it was HER choice to not speak to her grandmother but my sister just kept screaming at her on the phone to "put the adult on the phone" (wasn't she telling my daughter SHE WAS an ADULT?). My daughter said what she said and sister kept it up so she politely hung up. The next morning for almost 4 hours straight her son calls my cell first from his number then making his number private. Sometimes leaving voice mail, sometimes not (I have captured all of them). He assaults me verbally just like his mother over my parenting, brainwashing my kids, my medication (I don't even do what he's accusing me of), rehashes apparently the lies my mother went up there telling everyone (which I had already know about), and ultimately threatening me with "you know your dying, shall we make it go quicker?". He also wanted to confirm my address in one of them to "make things worse", oh and to let me know this was not going to stop. Ok well, based on all that's in those voice mails I can easily take them to the police and file charges against him for the threats and the ones on my life. Not a good thing and as was pointed out to me, he used a cell phone so it's federal charges as it's a communication device as well. Now I don't want to go to that extreme. I know he's acting out whether his mother triggered it or on his own I can't say but he thinks he can bully me into acting or making me feel bad it's not going to work at all. It only makes him look bad and actually psychotic based on how and what he was saying in the voice mails. Sad, really really sad for family to act like this. Just because hard choices are made not to speak to someone. I'm sorry she had cancer (has apparently since had a double mastectomy and will now be going through the rest of the treatment) and may be dying but this situation was long before all of this and it's not going to change. My sister and her family aren't dying either. So here I am, making a very very difficult decision months ago to end the lifelong struggles as I spoke about and my mother gets Cancer. She not only had breast cancer but pagets disease (nipple cancer too) which only affects 1% of people. That doesn't change anything. In fact, truth be told, she KNEW she had problems for 3 years prior and I fought with her to go to a doctor about it she refused. Then when she did attempt to talk to her doctor the doctor blew her off and at that time she was having serious issues with discharges from the nipple which is not a good sign. They repeatedly just gave her antibiotics and dismissed her and I fought again with her to go to another doctor. She refused again! I fought tooth and nail with her a long time over this. I have always fought with her over many things but in her mind I was "controlling" her and so she just didn't do things. Really really sad and that's the whole foundation of this family issue from what I can tell, even from my sister and her son. They think I'm MAD that she went back up north. As we all know I found it to be a relief (struggled with decision to bring her down to begin with) at the time once she did but couldn't understand why she would have me go through all that only to go back less then a month later. Her whole purpose for coming down was for me to help her. She saw it as controlling apparently or at least that's what she is going around telling everyone (including what she attempted to tell my older daughter AFTER she said what she did about her drug use). There is just so much more and as usual, I'm the bad guy for doing the right thing all the time. I'm sorry I really am that she has cancer and she may die. It is tough. But#1 my kids do NOT want to speak to her, #2 they are not stable at all even if they did. My middle one is cutting, acting out, suicidal thinking, and now has added possible schizophrenia (due to hearing and seeing things). Older one is cutting and drinking and drinks when something bothers her. She has a serious problem with drinking I believe, though she denies. My son takes things and acts out anger/aggression because he can't express what is bothering him. I'm suppose to upset their apple carts now when we STILL can't get them entirely stable when we've just started to get them to a point of knowing what to expect? I can't risk their mental health and stability under any circumstances! Let's not even add in my OWN health problems! I was bed ridden a month, literally. I could not get out of bed, other issues are coming up and I'm having testing done. I have blood in my own urine and they are wondering if it's cancer. My heart has always been an issue. Just more, always more happening to me. I still can't walk and I've got more going on there too. So I was told NO MORE stress! So am I wrong? Am I wrong for still sticking by this decision even though this has come up? I don't know if I'm necessarily asking if anyone agrees with me or not as just putting this out there as such an unreal situation that just never seems to end! I know others have family drama too and have had to make separations but geesh......... In my families eyes I am being selfish too. Maybe I am, to preserve my OWN family and my own health. Thanks for letting me vent. I've been holding this in as I have no where and no one to talk about this with other then the kids team, which has given me valuable insight and direction. But it's not the same, Know what I mean??
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2013
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I had noticed your absence and was hoping something positive was going on in your life. So sorry that it has gone from bad to worse. Truthfully I "think" you should just detach from your extended family for the sake of your own physical and mental health. What energy you have left after taking care of your own survival needs has been and continues to need to be focused on your children. It's just not possible, in my humble opinion, to address the complex needs and demands of extended family when your plate is already full.

    Although I have no answers to provide I just want you to know that I care. Try to focus on the simplicity of The Serenity Prayer. It really has helped me in dealing with alot of problems that used to keep me tossing and turning after being triggered by "things I could not change". Hugs DDD
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Tia. I second DDD's motion, too.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your pain. I am also sorry that I don't really know the history of your family, but I come from another very dysfunctional family where fingers were pointed (mostly at me) and I tried hard to be "good" so my mother would love me. I don't know if this was your situation, but I did learn from mine and just in case it is relevant, I will lpass on what I have come to feel about family in general...due to all the dysfunctional, abuse, and myself being blamed for everything and anything.

    To me, family is not DNA. DNA is just an accident. If it works and you are a loving unit, that's great. You don't have to think outside the box and your life will be more simple and so-called normal. But you and I are not the only two people who come from a DNA pool who has been cruel to us while we have tried to be sooooooooo good and gain approval for naught. I have detached from my family of origin, especially after I adopted kids and realized that love is definitely NOT contingent upon DNA. I have decided that for me family means people who love each other and are kind to one another and who are there for one another. That may be DNA relatives (or some of them) and that may be friends or a combination.

    You in my opinion do not have to explain ANYTHING to ANYBODY. I am positive...I trust completely...that your decisions are best for YOUR family...you, your kids. They love you, even if they have issues, and you are doing what you feel is best for those who you know love you.

    My biological DNA mother died of brain cancer. I never went to see her. For years and years before she was stricken, I would call her and she'd talk to me, but never call me back even once and she didn't want me in her life, didn't want me to visit her, did not visit me, never even sent my innocent children a birthday card on their birthday and never even saw Jumper and Sonic. So she was The Womb who I resided in before birth and when she was sick and dying I felt it would serve everyone best, including her, if I stayed out of her life. My sister, who adored her and whom she adored and fawned over, did most of the caregiving with my brother, who she worshipped, flying in from New Jersey to visit her too. I did call a few times. She was not in her right mind in the end and was actually nice to me. I suppose she didn't know who I was anymore. Brain surgery had taken her mind. When she died, I went to her funeral but was more a caretaker for those who were sad about her passing than grieving myself. And when I found out that she not only left me 100% out of her will, not even acknowledging me enough to give me the $1.00 she is supposed to, I was kind of sorry I'd even gone to the funeral. I was nothing to her. I maybe could have fought for some of the inheritance (I'm not sure as I never pursued it at all), but I just wanted the memories to go away.

    Was I bad for not seeing my biological mother when she was dying? I think, in her right mind, she would have not wanted me to visit her, but some kids would have gone anyway. Hon, I have wayyyyyyyy detached from my DNA relatives by then. I think it's good that YOU do that now. If you get harassed again, I'd tell the cops. Nobody has a right to cruelly harass anyone that way. I don't care if it's your identical twin sister! I think maybe it's better to ignore them...they just want to upset you and insult you and I'm betting they don't even KNOW you.

    If I got it wrong, I'm sorry. I just wanted to let you know how much I feel your hurting heart and how I support whatever you decide to do. But you NEED to take care of yourself first. If you aren't well, don't let these DNA vampires drain you any further. (((Hugs))) through the cyber-waves and I'm so very sorry you feel so much pain.
  5. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Thank you DDD and Calamity, that prayer is something I am and have been focusing on for a very long time as I know much of what has transpired and continues I can not change. Only how "I" react. I've tried to keep this all to no reaction until now and at this point the minimum without giving any fuel for the fire. Short, simple words.

    Midwest, I too tried my entire life to please her, to do right and be the best I could. The history is very similar though not sure if you had codependency stuff as well. I was the little adult all my life care taking of both parents. It has only been an my adult life through therapy that I learned all that I have as well as trust issues arose and ruined every relationship. If you do not have trust you have nothing and my foundation was never built nor learned from my parents sadly. I only had my grandparents to thank for my sanity and who I am and became, thank goodness. If I hadn't have had them I think I may have turned out really badly with serious mental health issues instead of strong and a survivor as I was told.

    I get what your saying about DNA. I've heard about how you can't pick your family but you can later "choose" a family to build, no matter who it is in that they are. Unfortunately I never had the trust in anyone to do that. I'm ok however. I learned long ago what I needed to and it's only been since my divorce that I really got my head together even more so. Life's lessons teach you many valuable things.

    I'm sorry my post ran all together above. I've tried editing it several times into paragraphs but it just goes right back. Not sure why the site is doing that. It's very difficult to read like that.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Tia, it is very hard to trust when you have been betrayed by those you counted on to care for you as a child. I have huge trust issues and boundaries issues. Either I trust too much and get burned or don't trust at all (more commonly). My "family" now is my husband, kids and, yes, my two furbabies. My extended family, the little that there is, are not part of my family. I did have one dear friend who was my TRUE sister (not DNA, but more of a sister than my sister ever was) but she died of cancer at age fifty. I miss her very much. I had another sister-like relationship with another woman, but when I moved, we grew apart, although we are still in touch and still love each other.

    I was not able to be a caregiver to my parents. I had so many Learning Disability (LD) and neurological problems that I desperately needed parents who understood me and would help, but that never happened. I was "lazy, selfish, and only thought about myself." The DNA family assessment of me puzzled me as it is so wrong. I wasn't lazy on purpose, but back before even ADHD was acknowledged, I understand how they could have thought that I'd given up on school due to laziness. But selfish and only thinking of myself? I don't understand that. From very early on, I thought of everyone but myself and would go without for others, if it would make THEM happy. Yes, I learned I was codependent to the best of my ability. I don't think I still am. I like to help other people because I know how it feels to be in that dark place, but I don't feel as if I *have* to help anyone. I used to think I was put on earth to try to please everyone else and to fail doing this.

    I had a divorce too. My first husband was a clone of how I'd been treated as a kid. Second husband is wonderful...things are better now.

    I hope you get through this remembering that people don't change unless they WANT to change and if your DNA connections want to hurt you, they will keep doing it as long as you allow them to be in your life. Eventually, I think it comes down to learning we ARE worthwhile and we are NOT what abusive people tell us we are. And we need to learn to love the person who we are so we have t he strength to stand up to those who would deliberately try to make us unhappy. Some DNA packs need a scapegoat. Don't let them make it you.
  7. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I had to cut ties with my family as well. 20 years ago, my parents retired and moved out west. They had never been good with money and neither was my sister. I earned a nice living but have a family to support, with my H. I told my parents I'd pay some of their bills directly to the creditors. They screamed and yelled and insisted that I send them the money directly. My aunt told me it was so they could send it to my sister so I refused. 15 years ago, I brought them back east and was going to put them up in a small bungalow H and I had bought. They wanted a car, they didn't want to pay me rent, they wanted me to pay utilities and they wanted me to allow my sister, who at that point had moved to the Midwest, to live with them. After 2 months, they returned to the west and I never saw them again. They spoke occasionally to my H. They would send me letters, addressed to my full name, knowing very well that I despise my middle name so much that my children don't even know it, which I refused to read. They would send chintzy gifts (like strings of mardi gras beads from a casino) for presents to the kids.

    A few years ago, I got a call from my aunt that my father had passed away at least a month earlier. I have no clue where he's buried or if he was cremated. We were dropping daughter off at college when the call came and I made the choice not to tell her then. It completely slipped my mind so at Thanksgiving, when one of the boys mentioned that grandpa was dead, daughter was shocked, not that upset since she hadn't seen or spoken to him since was 6. Since then, when she comes home from school, she always says, OK, who died while I was gone? 6 months later, I got a call from my sister, who had flown out and taken my mom to her home, that said :"you will never see your mother again." Sis has always been melodramatic so I replied, probably not, because I have no plans to visit you. Just under a year later, H decided to call sis' best friend to check on my mom. Well, apparently, my sister's call had been code for telling me that mom had died! I always knew she wouldn't last a year without my dad - they're one of those couples who shouldn't have had kids, they didn't abuse us, but we were clearly not central to their existence.

    I have not spoken to my sister since then. My aunt is getting older and I debate if I should tell my sister when she dies. As a child, she and my aunt were very close. My aunt doesn't want me to contact her now.

    Anyway, my advice to you is block their numbers with the phone company, block them on Facebook, don't pick up their calls, delete their voicemails without listening to them. I added caller ID when you still had to pay extra for it so I could see who was calling and I screen my calls.

    Good luck. Take care of your kids and ignore the drama.
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Do you think your family is fighting so hard to pull you back in because on some level, they know that once the mother is gone, they will need a scapegoat to maintain the familial status quo?

    You are right to block them, to keep them away from you, and from your children.

    The vehemence with which they are justifying their actions is a clue to their intentions that you should not overlook.

    I am sorry this is happening.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I always thought my DNA situation was unique. I have found, through the years, that many DNA connections are not really family in any real sense of the word, if it includes caring. Many people feel guilty if they cut off their biological connections no matter how abusive they are "because she's my mother/father/sister/brother/son/daughter..."

    I feel sorry for people who allow themselves to be abused by people just because of accidents of birth. I do understand how deeply we all hope our parents love us...it is an issue that can follow us for a long time, but at some point in time if it isn't going to happen you do yourself a big favor if you give up the hopeless dream. In my group therapy, which I've been in for over ten years, there are people who have told stories of terrible physical, sexual and verbal abuse from parents and yet they ministered to these same parents like slaves when they were dying. Of course, the abusive parents did not appreciate it or apologize to them or even acknowledge mistreatment even as the desperate adult child is heroically trying to help them in their final days. Seems to be the rule that in abusive families, the abusers think the abused "deserved it" and that they didn't do anything wrong. And many of the abused kids desperately try for one last attempt to make daddy/mommy love them...it's very sad.

    I'm happy for all who are strong enough to get out of the dysfunction and to move on without them.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First of all, STOP APOLOGIZING TO US. We understand that sometimes you just need a break or are so drained you cannot post anything or are so busy that you cannot post here regularly. We don't expect to be your highest priority, and our lives get busy too and we go through bad times or times we just cannot cope with one more thing. You do not get upset with us when we take breaks, and we do not get upset wtih you for that either.

    The people you share DNA with are idiots. They threw away a truly loving, caring wonderful woman by abusing her. They are delusional because they think that they can bring you back by heaping more abuse on you. Talk about stupid, I think they went back for sixths when that was being handed out.

    You owe them nothing. When you had your first child your priorities changed. That child's needs had to be put before your parents and siblings' desires. Period. You still have kids, and protecting them from abuse by ANYONE is your sacred duty. Of course you cannot protect them from everything or themselves, but you CAN cut abusive relatives from their lives to some degree. in my opinion you are doing a great job as a mom by refusing to keep in touch with your abusive relatives.

    I do think you should talk to someone in law enforcement about your options should the telephone abuse start. especially as they have now threatened to come find you and kill/harm you. You do not have the training or experience to do a risk assessment so that you have some idea of how likely they are to carry out their threats. Safety MUST be a priority, esp when you are dealing with such crazy idiots. For well under twenty dollars (under $5 on many websites) they can access all sorts of personal info including your address if you are not totally off the grid. It is next to impossible to be totally off the grid anymore. Your kids are traumatized enough as are you. You sure as sugar do not need your relaatives to come and create more conflama and pain for your immediate family.

    I am so sorry they are so awful, and I hope and pray they just go away. But if they don't, you and your kids need to be well prepared. Please do not lose or destroy the saved recordings, do not open yourself up to their abuse (they won't stop until they are made to stop if they think they can get away with it) if you can avoid it, and if they contact you again, contact law enforcement and see what your options are. What they are doing is a CRIME, it is WRONG, and they are complete and total idiots to not realize how special, wonderful, and loving you are. But that is THEIR loss, and you are sooo much better than they are.

    (((((hugs))))) We are part of your family, and they are just losers who threw away the best person they ever knew. Phooey on them and their stupidity.
  11. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    MWM, right now there only is my family. My dad is dead, you see the current happenings with my mom who is supposedly dying (I have no real clue how close), I have a sister. That's it. My kids have no other family on there dad's side and no contact with him either. It's just us. I have literally no friends. Partly due to difficult child's being themselves and the trouble it brings as we all know and partly because I know I just can't trust anyone else from previous experience. I have to say that Star is the only one I could call a friend at this point. She actually knows more about my life then most anyone else. There is another person who was from this board but that friendship has seemed to fallen by the wayside as her life too has become so involved and taken over (not her fault and I don't blame her, it happens) though she doesn't even know as much as Star does at this point about me and I've never even met Star in person! I hope some day I can but my physical limitations have stopped me all this time. I've come close a few times but again, my health and physical limitations prevented it. It's sad and lonely. Thank you Sven. I can appreciate what you said. I don't pick up the phone, though so far since the other day no more calls. They have no other way to contact me other then email and postal mail now. Cedar I don't know if I'm a scapegoat or not. I really don't know what it is. I do know that my sister has always been like this to me since she was a child but it's just gotten worse and now her son does it. She has another son who is older but he doesn't participate in this (whether he knows about what's transpired or not I don't even know). He's always been a good kid, guy now. Always had respect for me that I know of just didn't talk to me once he aged. But that isn't surprising as he's lead his own life pretty much and goes about things. He is devoted to his mother but just doesn't have time for garbage like this. I know when my father died my sister and I were on the outs too because my mother turned to me (as she always did) and not her nor could she believe anything bad about my father. She also felt guilt as she thought that somehow in something he did for her caused his death ultimately (long story but in NO WAY is it possible, she was just hanging on to it for whatever reason). He died of an aortic aneurysm. I know my sister has her own mental health issues and always has but is in denial, just like she doesn't believe that mental health problems exist period. I am 100% sure that I will be blamed for all kinds of things as I am now once my mother dies. When the time comes my sister will only have "her and her boys" as she says and her husband and whoever of his family they get along with (I'm not sure if there is any even as they didn't use to). MWM you are very right about the guilt feelings. I have always felt guilt constantly even when nothing was going on. In therapy the woman told me I need to get off the guilt button but I have never ever been able to do that and I can't always even identify what I am feeling feeling guilty for. Know what I mean?? It's insane. Susie you made me cry. Because exactly what MWM said above I started feeling guilty all over again. Guilty because I love it here and I know how much time I do read and follow but don't post and know I should and then don't. I feel like a jerk for not. Then next thing I know I end up back here having to post something to either vent or in some manner seek support. How can I even DARE do such a thing when I have not contributed? I mean it's a 2 way street, or at least should be. No one should take all the time or even the majority of the time and it seems like anymore that's what I am doing. So I in turn, stay away from the board even more because of it. I had re-remailed mother as she apparently didn't realize that my 1st email had the "letter" attached to it along with the voice mail recordings that she had told me in her reply she didn't know anything about (which alerted me she didn't know how to open). I told her how to do it, download and open. She reply short and sweet that it wasn't her intent to disrupt my family, she did not know about the phone calls and when she found out she did not approve and that she would NEVER contact me again. I thought was the end of it. NOPE. Apparently my nephew ended up being the one to help her open the attachments. I get a reply email (thinking it was from her) but it was him using her address and he told me straight out it was him. That his/my sister's intent was to "inform" me of my mother's diagnosis because it's now in the bloodline (for future knowledge) and also to try to get me to talk and the kids to her. He went on to to tell me I was disgraceful for being how I am over this and not talking to her since she is dying, especially since I am also in a similar situation (not cancer necessarily though it's a potential we're looking at possibly on top of other stuff at moment). He condescendingly said "he didn't even know if he had the right number after all because my voice mail box is not set up with my name (cover up) "aw, did I hurt your feelings with the voice mail" and to further threaten me after stating he "didn't threaten me" it was just voice mails and said "IF I did call the police it would have grave consequences for me and my family". SO as I said, I sit here again feeling guilty because "what if" my mother really doesn't know what the heck chaos my sister and son are creating and once again as happened before to her these vultures (and others up there) are taking over her life in her state of weakness? You see at times my mother is nothing more then a little kid. You can see it in her. Innocent and weak and at other times she's this....well I've described it already. It's heart breaking to me because I do not want to see her being manipulated especially in the state I know she's in right now after surgery and mentally overall and what if this IS the time when she truly DID need me? You see? I am fighting the urge very badly and I WILL NOT cave in but the mental torture is just awful that it's playing on my mind. Sickening. You add in the death factor and it just ups the anty because I AM a good person and I know it and it kills me. I would never do this to anyone normally under different circumstances but I know I must......MUST do it. With you guys giving me strength it is helping as well as my SO and my kids who also feel the same way about the whole thing and continue to NOT want to talk to her. I do know the potential for the kids to flip later down the line could happen and it may come back to bite me but I don't think I have a choice at the moment. I'm not forcing them to talk. Argh.......forever guilt like you said MWM. You can never escape it one way or another! :(
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    First of all, most of us don't post unless things have gotten bad. A few of us, like me, post a lot. But you don't know WHY I post a lot. The reason is, I can not be home and be doing nothing...lol. So I read the boards a lot a nd post. It is partly selfish as I need to be busy.

    Secondly, I am wondering if you are in therapy for yourself. I think that would help you a lot. That is one thing that made me see that it's perfectly ok to cut out abusive DNA members. It's not selfish. It's not mean. It's not vindictive (on my part). It's self-preservation. You are an adult now and you can cut them ALL off and choose to no longer be their victim. Sometimes therapy is the push you need to do it. Trust me, you will feel a lot better when/if you finally get rid of all of them. They are crazier than The Beverly Hillbillies. And once you are gone, if indeed you choose to say a final good-bye, they will start turning on one another because they are used to playing the blame game and since you won't play anymore, they will play with each other.

    It is unfortunate, like it was for me, that your mother is not that warm and nurturing June Cleaver from Leave it to Beaver and other 50's shows that we see on reruns. You'd be there if this was June and your father was Ward and Wally was your brother. Your family, like mine, is more like the Adams Family, although honestly the Adams family were also there for one another...lol. You can't be there for somebody who treated you like garbage...the abuse will continue and it won't make your mother's passing any easier. It is just an excuse for your DNA connections, who are now in anger mode, to abuse you to the end. If it were me, I would choose not to be there in her final days. Was she ever really your mother in the loving, kind sense of the word? Was she your support system, the person you could turn to in times of strife? Or was she simply the woman who gave birth to you? Anyone can give birth. The lowest animals give birth. Flies do it. It is not a skill. Mothering with love is a skill. We all want desperate for our mothers and DNA families to love us, but a lot of us--more than I ever knew when I was younger--just don't have that and we need to make our own families, big or small.

    My family is not large. Those who love me and who I HOPE I give that love back to are my dear husband (but this is my SECOND husband...haha), my daughters Julie and Jumper and my brave Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son Sonic. I'm kind of an animal nut so I also include my two precious doggies as family. On holidays, we spend them together without cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. And the more I hear about strife in other family get togethers, even in DNA groups that are supposedly loving, the more I am grateful for the small, quiet, loving holidays we have. I do have one friend I am very close to. I do not know if I'd include her as family, but certainly she is far kinder to me (and I hope I am to her) than ANYONE in my extended DNA pack. My kids not only didn't flip. They want nothing to do with any of them. That includes 35 who I guess is still one of my family. Abusive or not, I do know he loves me. When he isn't under stress, things get better. It NEVER got better with my extended DNA mates.

    Get help for yourself. Go to a therapist and if it cost too much go to your county mental health facility. I do and I have had fantastic luck with wonderful therapists there and a group of women I meet with every other Wednesday there who I feel "safe" talking to...as they feel safe talking to me. Put your horrible DNA group on "ignore." At least, that is what it sounds like to need to do to have peace and to recover from them. Yes, it takes time to recover from horrid DNA abusers!

    You can always talk to me too. If interested, PM me and I will happily give you my number (this applies to anyone here who wants to talk to me in person). Or text. I finally got a phone that has big enough letters so that my fat fingers fit and I can text...lol. If not, just post here and we will answer you. When somebody is in turmoil sometimes the person can not help us because they are too involved in their own chaos and I think I speak for all of us when I say, that's ok. Keep on posting when you need to. Big hugs. You will get through this. Now worry about getting healthy yourself. That should be #1 priority.
  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Honey, even those of us who have reasonably decent families have some toxic people, too. I joked yesterday with my own Mom that the holidays would be quiet and relative-ly stress free since husband has cut ties with mother in law and father in law, and Belle is in jail and likely won't be around... And Pat has told biogma to go away and she finally DID! Talk about quiet!

    I do wish we could all get along, but it's just not happening. And unfortunately, mother in law keeps attempting contact with things like a voicemail demanding I do something or sending mail demanding I do something else... Or, even better, she sent Rose a birthday gift that was clearly more of a spitting in our faces (if she'd intended to send Rose something and meant it, she'd have sent something to Pat for his birthday, and what was sent was obviously not something she planned to buy... Long story). father in law cares but he's so negative all the time where husband and Pat are concerned. Belle... I wish she could come home like PG's daughter, and be a good kid but... :sigh:

    I guess we all have those people. And honestly, I think you are right to detach, and to try and make it a clean break. If they won't, and you need to, go to the authorities. You have your own life to deal with, honey.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    okay - first of all........roflmao at Susie* - she is so funny -
    Secondly - you literally have HOW MANY FRIENDS??????? (looks at self in mirror).......Star party of one......oh that's right.....you're a sucky friend and you stink at technology and your emails are worse than your friendship is/are....I? not sure....but honestly woman. DNA (pretty sure it stands for do not assimilate. meaning ......what Susie star said.
    and third.....Igot on my soap box and forgt what I was saying but it was good.....
    So lastly......I love you......and I'm here. Not maybe be family like you want me to be family but I promise I'm no ugly step sister.
  15. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Annie, I did therapy and right now with the kids it's in home therapy as a family. I could not take on additional therapy as I can barely make my medical appointments with my health. Remember, I can't really walk. It's excruciatingly painful. To go sit somewhere extended times and wait for them to call me in for doctor is also painful (when they are backed up). Sometimes I even have to cancel the appointments I have because I just can't even get out of bed. I have medication for the pain *but not high doses by any means because of my heart*, I have additional pain coverage with those lidoderm patches, and I also have a TENS unit. That's a lot of coverage and it's still not covering it sadly. I don't mean to complain and that's really not the purpose of all this. It's to show the extent of how bad this is. Sometimes the picture is not clear. Not to mention the actual positioning of my body itself is bad from the disorder. It makes for added stress on the pain. I wish I had a "normal" case of it, what ever that is, and that it was ONLY just that but I have compounding factors. (hope this stupid forum inserts the paragraph break but it doesn't seem to be doing it lately for me no matter what so please know that there was one here as I typed this) Mentally, I take all this in stride and STAR is the one who would know this best. I've only struggled with this decision because it is above and beyond one that anyone would ever have to make. I'm only human. Any STAR, STARBIE.....and did NOT say you were NOT my friend, in fact I said you were my ONLY friend my dear sweet lady! :) I LOVE getting your texts and emails. They are the highlight of any of the days they come in. They make me smile, laugh, just as your messages on here always have. It's something to look forward to. I'm like a little kid looking forward to getting them, just like when you would go to a mail box expecting mail but then getting disappointed that there was none. I know you have life happening in your world! I get it, and you know I do. Don't ever beat yourself up about it. Thanks everyone. I'm still having residual thoughts but they are lessening. I expect I will continue to feel this way on and off and should the time come when I hear or find out that my mother actually did die then it will reopen the thoughts and feelings but I know I have to keep to my decision for the sanity, safety and protection of the family unit here. We're working way to hard and have to get where we are now. I can't land into chaos unknown. *kisses and hugs to all of you and to those who need them as well* PS.... side note, warm orange barium sulfate is disgusting! I advise if anyone ever has to drink barium to make sure they put ice in it so as it goes longer it stays cold!
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I have this post that I swear if I could nice it down.......I would post it here....and maybe it would make it under the radar......I swear to all that it good and right in the world...I thought it was my Mom sending me a real email back about her trying to redo her password. I tried to forward it to you the other day, and SWEET MOTHER OF MILK....when you set up my Gmail? I wrote the password on my blotter on my desk right? Ok then I tore the blotter off the desk when I finally got out of the depression from those pills (remember?) but Dr. Jeckassly...decided that I needed to go see A gynecologist for my Thalassemia Trait ergo Anemia. Now you tell me WHAT in the world does one thing have to do with the other? ME? I dunno - I have normal cycles, I'm just exhausted. I have anemia and I'm frimpin cranky. I'm cranky because we'd all be a LOT better off if you would just listen to me and do things like I asked you to....but NO. I have anemia so you sent me to a Gyno and I tell you I can't afford it, and until I go - you refuse to refill ALL my prescriptions. WOW......

    ANYONE HERE EVER COME OFF EFFEXOR COLD TURKEY????? SONOFA........WOW.......I MEAN......I wouldn't wish the effects of this on my x - god bless his dark and hateful soul. Between the vomiting, constant nausea, and brain zaps, nearly wrecking the car, major, MAJOR mood swings,,,crying jags...migraines, did I mention vomiting OH EM GEE...this has been walking hell on earth. EN E WAY...I got so ill, I ended up in the doctors office and now am disqualified for my CDL physical - because Dr. Jeckassyl...wasn't supposed to do it and walked in the room and I broke the first blood pressure cuff, and then they thought it was a machine malfunction and he was standing there hooked me up again and my BiPolar (BP) was like 164/140 - not bad but I was trying to get it to come down so I'd pass my physical. I said "I really can't do this today--not with him in here I'm too angry with him now." So they pushed him out of the room and I tried yoga, laying on the floor, going to my "happy place" and still 15 mins later....BiPolar (BP) way too high. HE was so upset that I broke his BiPolar (BP) cuff and my BiPolar (BP) was that high that when he did GIVE me my prescriptions????? He gave me stuff that isn't mine.....I have an entire bag of **** on my table ----that has my name on it....but is not for anything I take. Im calling around to find out whom you call at the city to have him removed. First - you don't cold turkey anyone off Effexor and the rest of their medications (I take 7) and 2nd - HOW IN THE HECK do you hand someone a bag of medicine that is NOTHING of what they take???? He's a nincompoop.
    SO My guts are all tore up ---You puke for 5 weeks and work...(oh that's right you do - my bad) and I ended up in Doctors care so sick I couldn't hardly walk. The doctor there said I probably should have gone to the ER - I said Just take a peek. Well NOW I have 4 stomach medications I take. When I tried to tell him what Dr. Jeckassyl did to me.....he couldn't wrap his head around it....Kept saying I can refill your....and I said I HAVE THE MEDICATION.....I was DENIED refills until I got A GYNO appointment...do you understand he cut me OFF COLD TURKEY....I GOT SICK....and now my guts are a mess? He told me I have about 3 -5 more weeks of this. OH EM GHEE....great. ....And in the mean time.....I asked the pain management doctor to give me a letter stating that I COULD drive on the pain medications.....and NOPE.....He says I know better. WELL could I take them at NIGHT? NOPE. AS PRESCRIBED. So now I cant' get my DOT card for my CDL because of this STUPID accident which the atty said is not going to "pay much" because it's just Soft tissue damage....." but yet if I don't take the pills I hurt....and if I take the pills...NOW I can't drive trucks and according to the doctor at pain mgmt....I am not supposed to be driving AT ALL ------not even to work.....SO HOW IN THE H am I supposed to get to work? And drive??? ANd That's not disabled? WTH????? I hate it here. HATE IT......HATE IT......OMG I need Nexium extra strength. Lets see I can't drive myself to work now....because of this soft tissue damage.....but the accident didn't cause me much inconvenience.?????????? I can't drive to work and I can't drive trucks anymore???? ANYONE else see an INCONVENIENCE????????? INSERT HORRIBLE CURSE WORD and pass the GAVISCON.....but don't pass go and collect 200.00 because it's only soft tissue damage, and that doesn't pay much. meh.

    Well yesterday and the day before I had off from work. For FOUR years the kid behind us has had hunting dogs penned up and they bark -------and bark. And well you get the idea. NON STOP. I have 4 dogs. You never hear them. Maybe if a motorcycle or delivery truck goes by. Otherwise? Unless you come into our yard? They're well behaved. How the people that live directly behind him have not literally taken him to court is beyond me but the other neighbors complain about it whenever we bump into each other out and about. Yet no one "WANTS to make a scene" Well I guess it doesn't bother DF - He's deaf. He just turns the TV up or takes out his hearing aids. I have suffered for four years since this kid moved in. I can't open my windows in Spring, on a Summer day.....In the Fall. When my Mom visits it was constant yowling barking....and the county will not come out for barking dogs. They have a downloadable form that you keep records of, have another neighbor "witness" and then notarize, then they send a courtesy summons to the guy and you both go to court. WTF? I have to take time out of my pay to go to court because YOU can't keep your yappin horde quiet? AND the best part is......It's at MY expense and......(I love this) It takes THREE times of me keeping logs and doing this BEFORE the courts will take the dogs. SOoooooooooooooooooooo.........no....right? Yeah....well being off the medications?????? I snapped. I had on a t shirt, pajama shorts, no shoes, my hair looked like the wild woman from Borneo.....and I jumped in my car, sped down the dirt road.....and got to his house and it's filthy......Dead 1/2 skinned deer everywhere. Cujo in the window.....no blinds.....and I beat on that door, and I beat on his door, and He would NOT come to the door....I beat on it again. And I know he was in there. What A WIMP.
    And with that.....I walked back off his porch......got in my car......only to find that he's cleared his woods behind his house and WHERE do you think hes drug all the limbs and junk ?? that and his bagged trash for I have no idea how long??????? Over our woods and the guy that lives next to us. Some of the limbs and vines and weeds and I mean this is like lot clearing **** fell out of the back of his truck into the road by our property edge and he just left it there.....didn't even bother to try and pick it up.
    OMG this is too much. But before I got home? Every single dog mouth was shut.....and silence ensued for the rest of the afternoon and when they started at 6:30 this morning and I belted out of my back door...SHUT UP...SHUT YOUR DOGS UP. Within 1 minute....every single beagle (all 12 of them) were quiet for the entire day.

    DF and his friend were sitting in the house when I went pealing out of the drive yesterday. He came running out and said "Where are you going where are you going? I think You should stay here." I said "Im going to go see a man about a few dogs." got in t he car and left. When I got back I called the kid some choice names for not answering the door, and DF told his buddy - "I think the smart money was on NOT answering the door with HER on the other side of it. Maybe the kids not so dumb after all.."

    The unfair thing is I have shut my windows, and my electric bill goes up....I could be having a nice breeze....and no. DOGS.....He doesn't pay 1/2 my electric bill. Bump him. He's taken advantage of the entire neighborhoods kindness for 4 years. Yesterday I think he found out where the line was drawn. No one needs to have 12 beagles in a residential area, then dump your trees, brush and such plus your bagged trash in my woods??????? WHO does that? I'm not certain but I think his wife has left him. And I think the house next to him is a HUD home, and if the contractor over there or the people that moved in were the ones that drug all their **** in my woods - they can haul it right up the road like everyone else does. OR get a 2500 ticket. God has to let me win the lottery so I can get the heck out of here.
    Anyway - that's why no emails, and works been upside down....and people there are all jockeying for their bit of the reins that I couldn't care less about - but boy once they get a little taste of what they perceive as power they have to usurp their authority and well I think I told the last supervisor to either stop riding me like Seattle Slew or if he was going to continue to ride me & crop me let me we needed a safe word. The look on his face was worth the price of admission. (He's a small man, so as I was walking away I said....I still think you're too big to be a jockey) ....kinda under my breath.

    Well anyway .....thats' what I would have texted but I basically stink at it...and I am even worse at returning phone calls. Because by the time I get off work and ride home DF wants to talk an then follows me around everywhere. (how fun is that) So....yeah. Currently looking for a schnazzy finish to.....I'm not anti social......So I can convince the therapist if I ever go back that I really am quite happy being on my own. That It's not an anxiety disorder. People really do suck....I don't secretly desire to be with others. Im not afraid to be around people. There's another textbook nincompoop for ya. All he wanted to talk about was Dude being in prison. I really didn't want to talk about that. I mean....he's there. I wanted to deal more with my organized hoarding issues. Help me to help myself move some of this **** out of my life. Why did I do it. Was it because the boys died? Is it because DF can't do anything ? Is it because the house is falling apart? .......And what about your son? WHAT? My ....son? No we were talking about why I have 500 PEZ dispensesr, collect tear the buttons off clothing at the Goodwills collect picture frames and never put pictures in them, collect needlepoint stuff but can't seem to get it in an envelope for my girlfriend who has the same name I do here....I mean things like that. Don't you think that's weird? I do, I can explain the box of baby stuff. I thought I was going to have a Granddaughter to share it with. Nope. Moving on-no problem. But purses....old ones. Someone posted here a while back about the things you collect, and I was afraid to comment. lol.

    Well anyway...I see you are going to do the Christmas card list. I'm tickled. I have pretty paper if you need it. Probably not. (collected that too) I think I'm making my cards this year. Post cards - Can't afford to do regular cards. But they're going to be cute. I saw a bee the other day - made me think of you. hehe

    Later Gater....
    Love & Hugs

    Starbie...the wordy Barbie - she probably should come with dragon point and speak .......well....you know how un techno savy she is. Still kicking the box around the parking lot trying to open the package
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Found it - and this is what I thought my Mother really did.

    Resetting The Password

    Star, please help. I'm having trouble resetting my password. and this is what it says.

    "Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days
    and has expired - you must
    register a new one."


    too few characters."

    pretty roses

    "Sorry, you must use at least
    one numerical character."

    1 pretty rose

    "Sorry, you cannot use
    blank spaces."


    "Sorry, you must use at least 10
    different characters."


    "Sorry, you must use at
    least one upper case character."


    "Sorry, you
    cannot use more than one upper case character


    "Sorry, you must use no fewer
    than 20 total


    you cannot use


    that password is already in use."
  18. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    I'm laughing so hard at your post. I've been through that too often. And then I can never remember the **** things because they are so weird. so I make a note of it, and forget I did that.:drinkntypesmili1:
  19. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    OMG STAR I love you * laughing so hard with tears streaming down my face*.....see...I know you were out there somewhere...hiding...well no not hiding....taken it all in. Doctors can be pretty S***** I know, been to enough of them to form an edumycated opinion now don't you now! LOL I bet...bet...I could lend you my oldest, dog lover that she is, especially your pits, and she'd come on down and help you clean out your clutter since she's become obsessed with cleaning lately and organizing. As for DF, he'd fascinate her to no end. Trust me when I tell you this I am not kidding. This is a meeting that MUST happen some how. Your life will never bee (purposely written) the same. If I know nothing else well, it's her and how she reacts to certain people and I can already see what's going to happen once she meets you and DF. OMG, you're going to be in stitches, she's going to be in stitches and she'll be fascinated by DF (even though you may not agree) and the dogs will love her as much as she will love them! I'll make it happen....watch and see! ;)