Soon it will be March

[newstart]

I am slowly digging my heart out of the mess around here since around New Years Eve. We all went to a party on New Years Eve, daughter included. It was a fancy party. Our daughter wanted to come, the guy she was seeing was out of the country. I think he just told her that, just my gut feeling. I am sure that men can pick up on her narcissistic vibe right away. She can get away with a lot still because she is nice looking. She has a odd way of thinking about relationships. She thinks she can do whatever she wants and the man is suppose to just worship and adore her. Today she was telling me what she expects from a man in a relationship and I don't know any man like that. She has to give something to keep it going. Years ago men would do what ever she wanted and she would harm them, it was horrific to watch. No way would I want my son to date anyone like that. I got some pretty upset parents calling me about my daughter. She has this magical ability to circle back around after doing a person very ugly and try to make peace with them and they accept her back. If she was not my daughter I would not accept her back. But she is my daughter and we have moved forward. Sometimes I do not even know who she is.
My husband has gone to several Dr. appointments. His blood work looks ok. He is acting more balanced. He was off track because his family was so mean that they can knock anyone off track. His fault of course for opening that bag of worms. We have to work very hard to keep things balance with our daughter and she is wearing and frustrating why on earth would he summons up the demons with his family? I guess he thought since it was Christmas time they will be better. How stupid is that. They are not better 24/7 on any day. He also said 'Well, we put up with our daughter's BS' That statement made me so mad because why on earth should we take on more people like that?
It's just so idiotic.
My husband's relative is still coming next month. That is a sore subject for me. I have made several plans for myself.
Other than keeping myself and family balanced I feel deep down tired. Some of it is age but most of it is stress from husband doing stupid things. But the last few weeks he has been a bit better.
I noticed my daughter's house is picked up. Not deep cleaned but more straighten out and organized. Not to my standards but for her it is good.
Just a few years ago when her toxic boyfriend was living in her house the place smelled like a barn. I always told her she has a goat living in the house.
I hope all of you are finding some sort of peace within.

 

[Nomad]

Your post is extremely well written and very touching. Your expression “summon up those demons” wow…really struck a chord with me. As just communication with our daughter very often creates extreme chaos.

Very sorry to read how hard your daughter is on you and men and that your husband’s family is similar. Makes total sense that you have additional patience, although painful and not without MANY consequences, with your daughter…but why the heck would you want more mega heartache from his “unkind” family? Noooo way.

Please rest and push yourself to do things you like. And continue to set boundaries as it’s soooo important. I struggle with this too…maybe all or most of us do.

Sending good thoughts.

 

[newstart]

Hi Nomad, Thank you for your kind words and good thoughts. I recently read that there is a large trend of people ages 55+ that are getting divorced. I certainly do not want that but I certainly do not want demons dragged into my house when we have already suffered so much. I have studied this and have good advice from this board. If I did not have so many suggestions and different ideas, thanks to many of you, I would start looking for my own place to live. I avoid nasty people at all costs and to have them dragged into my life and by my husband that knows how I feel is truly obnoxious. Tomorrow he has two more Dr appointments mainly for pain, something he did not have until he opened communication with his toxic family. He does not believe this is connected. Crazy, of course mental health is connected to your body health. GEZZ.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Newstart. You sound very strong and realistic. Also caring, appropriately accepting, and tolerant.

Like you, I am worn out. I have tried and tried with my son and he gets worse and worse with us. More demanding, more entitled, and more manipulative. He is more unstable and more explosive. I just don't want him around me. And I am telling him. He wants to come here to shower and I won't let him. I got to the point where I even said, why do you even come back here to our town?

He is homeless and moves from place to place. I am at the point where I don't like his presence and feel I have to be on guard. It is against my nature to be rejecting and rigid, but I have become this way with the person I love most in the world. I still love him, but I don't much like to be around him, and if I tell the truth I do not like the person he has become.

I feel bad about myself that I can't operate from love. I seem to be operating from "stay away."

You have worked so hard on your relationship with your daughter. But it seems to be that she gave something too, she tried. She might not have met you half way, but she tried. My son insists that I do all the work and accept him as he is. And he's intolerable. It's all very sad. In a million years I wouldn't have guessed we would have ended up here, in this place. But we have. I send love.

PS I hope your husband feels better soon.
PSS I really like how you type in italics. I may try it.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Newstart,
I’m sorry that you are still dealing with the impending visit from your hubs toxic family member. I think you are right to have a plan of action to keep yourself busy so that you have less engagement.
It is a good thing that your hubs is at the least agreeable to having his health checked. There is much focus on hormonal changes in women regarding menopause, but I think men go through changes too as they age. I wonder if your hubs move to reach out again to his family of origin is due to that old clock ticking and a desire to re-establish some sort of relationship. It is still not okay to do so without first checking with you.
My father in law was super abusive to his wife and family. Yet, hubs still wanted to have some sort of relationship with him. It was stressful but I had to “go with the flow” for years. That was hard. I knew too many of the old stories and hubs had buried most of it which ended up as baggage affecting our marriage.
When I fostered my grands almost 5 years ago, I had to do research on childhood trauma and such. There was a lot of info on attachment disorders that develop as a result of being raised in a dysfunctional household. That gave me some additional insight as to why hubs was the way he was. He was a good man who had lived through way too much chaos in his youth. As he grew older and suffered through illness, he withdrew more to himself. It was a tough couple of years.
I hope your hubs is able to understand your concerns and work with you in the future.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[newstart]

Hi Newstart. You sound very strong and realistic. Also caring, appropriately accepting, and tolerant.

Like you, I am worn out. I have tried and tried with my son and he gets worse and worse with us. More demanding, more entitled, and more manipulative. He is more unstable and more explosive. I just don't want him around me. And I am telling him. He wants to come here to shower and I won't let him. I got to the point where I even said, why do you even come back here to our town?

He is homeless and moves from place to place. I am at the point where I don't like his presence and feel I have to be on guard. It is against my nature to be rejecting and rigid, but I have become this way with the person I love most in the world. I still love him, but I don't much like to be around him, and if I tell the truth I do not like the person he has become.

I feel bad about myself that I can't operate from love. I seem to be operating from "stay away."

You have worked so hard on your relationship with your daughter. But it seems to be that she gave something to, she tried. She might not have met you half way, but she tried. My son insists that I do all the work and accept him as he is. And he's intolerable. It's all very sad. In a million years I wouldn't have guessed we would have ended up here, in this place. But we have. I send love.

PS I hope your husband feels better soon.
PSS I really like how you type in italics. I may try it.

Thank you Copa. It is so hard to love someone with all your heart and also know they are not healthy for you. I wish your son would age out of the bad behavior, have something substantial happen to him to ground him in the right direction. Copa, You are operating out of balance, health and making sense. It is just not healthy for any of us to be around someone that is awful for us. It harms us on a cellular and spiritual level. How old is your son now? Just talking ugly to a plant can kill it, just think of being around a nasty person, it is harmful. You are doing what you have to do for your all around health.
Many years ago my husband's bipolar brother was intolerable. He told us that we need to accept him as he is. He is UNACCETABLE as is and no way would we be ok with his moody nasty behavior ever. He tries to contact us, moved to the same town and tells us he is now on medication. The damage is so deep and ugly that there is no turning back, medication of not. There were times that I wanted to walk away and not ever talk to my daughter. Her behavior got that bad. How I found an ounce to tolerate her is a miracle. I told her that her behavior is unacceptable and I don't have to put up with it. I cut her completely off for 3 months and it made a change in her. The biggest change was the belligerence. She can be so deeply ugly, I mean ugly to the core and then she is quick to apologize because I have the strength to blow her off again. I simply cannot take ugly behavior. It is hard being an intuitive empath. Thank you Copa for your wisdom and insight.

 

[newstart]

Hi Newstart,
I’m sorry that you are still dealing with the impending visit from your hubs toxic family member. I think you are right to have a plan of action to keep yourself busy so that you have less engagement.
It is a good thing that your hubs is at the least agreeable to having his health checked. There is much focus on hormonal changes in women regarding menopause, but I think men go through changes too as they age. I wonder if your hubs move to reach out again to his family of origin is due to that old clock ticking and a desire to re-establish some sort of relationship. It is still not okay to do so without first checking with you.
My father in law was super abusive to his wife and family. Yet, hubs still wanted to have some sort of relationship with him. It was stressful but I had to “go with the flow” for years. That was hard. I knew too many of the old stories and hubs had buried most of it which ended up as baggage affecting our marriage.
When I fostered my grands almost 5 years ago, I had to do research on childhood trauma and such. There was a lot of info on attachment disorders that develop as a result of being raised in a dysfunctional household. That gave me some additional insight as to why hubs was the way he was. He was a good man who had lived through way too much chaos in his youth. As he grew older and suffered through illness, he withdrew more to himself. It was a tough couple of years.
I hope your hubs is able to understand your concerns and work with you in the future.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

Hi New Leaf, It sounds like your husband was hanging on to his dad just because it was his dad. My husband wants to hang on to his family simply because they are his family. I remind him that true family does not treat you the way they did us. I think more like a spiritual family, people that want good for us. My dear friends are my family. I love them more than family because they are healthier for us than most of our family. I always think it boils down to chemistry either it is there or not just like when you watch dogs. My dog would find other dogs in the park and become best friends with them and then there are some other dogs that he would bark at and almost get into a fight over. My dog was so laid back and sweet so I never understood why he would dislike other dogs. It has to be chemistry. We humans like dogs just have a clash of chemistry and then there are people that have a rotten disposition and their chemistry is toxic to many people.
Like your husband New Leaf, my husband brings baggage into our marriage, unresolved childhood drama from his family.
My husband said it was very hard to live with a person that is as intuitive as me. He said it is invasive that I know things he is thinking about. I told him that we are all born with the ability to be intuitive. My husband's mother taught him to ignore everything and my grandmother taught me to be fully awake and observe everything.
I am sorry you had a tough time with your husband before he passed. Hopefully your daughter's can come to peace with his death and get their life in order. Each time you post I just want to hear how they straightened out. I want to hear that they have balanced out and are moving forward. I hope this comes soon for you. Big hug back to you.

 

[New Leaf]

Family of origin has a monumental impact on us all. Some are able to rise above a dysfunctional upbringing, others remain scarred.

It sounds like your husband was hanging on to his dad just because it was his dad

This was what he was taught. I’m sure the same goes for your hubs.

I remind him that true family does not treat you the way they did us.

That old saying that blood runs thicker than water. In my hubs case he knew that how he was raised was toxic and he worked really hard to make a better life for his family. He did not speak much about his past, most of what I know came from his older sister and things I experienced through the years. I always felt that the secrets he kept inside were slowly poisoning him.

Like your husband New Leaf, my husband brings baggage into our marriage, unresolved childhood drama from his family.

I’m sorry Newstart, that is a tough load to bear.

My husband said it was very hard to live with a person that is as intuitive as me. He said it is invasive that I know things he is thinking about. I told him that we are all born with the ability to be intuitive. My husband's mother taught him to ignore everything and my grandmother taught me to be fully awake and observe everything.

From what I know of hubs background, the kids were brought up to keep things to themselves. They were all scared to death of their father. He was well loved amongst his peers, he treated friends better than his family. Secrets. Boys raised in our days were taught to be tough, to bury their feelings. My husband was more a doer than a talker. He did not like discussing feelings so I was left to guess at what was going on inside of his head. I’m sure he felt that was invasive too, he grew up keeping things to himself. That’s a part of attachment disorder and difficulty trusting people. Hubs kept the past demons to himself.

I am sorry you had a tough time with your husband before he passed. Hopefully your daughter's can come to peace with his death and get their life in order. Each time you post I just want to hear how they straightened out. I want to hear that they have balanced out and are moving forward. I hope this comes soon for you. Big hug back to you.

Thank you for your kindness Newstart. My daughters were deep into their addiction before hubs passed, I’m sure that is a sore spot for them buried by drug use. I wish they would straighten out too, but that is completely up to them. My job is to try to lift myself up and find peace no matter what. It’s not easy, but worth the effort. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life waiting for them to wake up. I hope you are able to find peace despite the challenges you face.
Love and hugs
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

Newstart, I don't want to hijack your thread but I am copying here what I posted just now on New Leaf's thread, (that I hijacked.) I think it applies here, as well. Oh, happy day. Not.

Today I was talking to my psychologist (which I do two times a week to keep my head out of the scuzzy corner. )He used the word "fragmented" to describe my son. I said, 'Let me try to get the knife out of my ribs and the blood mopped up before our session ends.'

You see, this is what I avoid feeling and knowing. That my son's fragmentation is the mover here. I have preferred to hypothesize marijuana psychosis or even bipolar (or better yet, willful behavior) because these seem preferable to a crumbling iceberg in my son's cognition and personality. Because you see for our first 20-plus years together, I saw and felt him as whole and the relationship as whole. I could not accept that without the structure of my personality, left to his own capacity, the result would be as it has. As we know my response to feeling and being with this fracturing of our relationship, was to shatter myself into pieces, in order to will him to be whole. How do you think that worked? We know.

After all of these years, I cannot bear to feel what I must feel. Sigh or sob. I don't know.
Thank you.

 

[Nomad]

wow....had to look up this word "fragmented," although I understand what it means generally, of course there is a bit more to it psychologically.

I can tell you when my adult child is upset or under stress (often situations her impulsivity and/or poor choices have put her in) a weird phenomenon takes over. Perhaps not exactly the same of this "fragmentation," but some similarity....

She can't recall much of anything that got her into the mess to begin with. She seems to not recall promises she made about the situation. She becomes irrational and sometimes non sensical. Desperate. Filled with fear and panic. Her decision making worsens. These "things" sort of reminds one of a person using drugs, yet drugs are not involved in her case. She values the input of strangers...sometimes people who obviously have great issues of their own, over us, who have helped her excessively and have forgiven her more times than one would think is humanly possible to forgive a person.

One more thing...when the situation improves, no matter how dire, she doesn't seem to recall it. No "normal" comments like "gee that was a horrible and scary situation the other day." Nope. NADA. It's as if it is GONE.

It's all gotten to be overwhelming. I pray a lot. Sending good thoughts and (hugs) to all. Thank you for this sharing of information. Thank you for listening. Sending good thoughts and hugs to all.

 

[newstart]

New Leaf, My husbands parents were kind and loving to him. His dad was wonderful. His mom was ok but distant to my husband but wicked to all of us in laws. I was not the only one that got it from her. After that, I tried hard to 'have peace within the storm' it was extremely hard to find peace after my son died but I did. I had studied hard and practiced inner peace after being around my husbands bipolar family that when my son died I relied on the mental tools I learned from all the crazy toxic behavior from being around his family. Sometimes I am just wore out from constantly fighting off attacks, from my daughter's behavior to sales people constantly trying to rip me off, to the high crime in this area. We live in a neighborhood that has good security yet there are the most bizarre crimes. One full moon night there were 3 suicides within blocks of each other and not related. My friends are getting their purses snatched at the grocery stores and people are blowing up mail boxes right and left. WTH. We toss around moving all the time.

Copa, You posted much mental food to chew on. Fragmented is an interesting word to use. It certainly fits with my situation too. I certainly feel fragmented trying to pick up all the pieces and make sense out of something that can't make decent sense. Thank you always for your deep insight.

Nomad, My daughter (like your daughter) is the same way about an awful situation or terrible things happening to her. Time passes and along with it the turmoil and just like that it is GONE. As if why bring it up it is in the past. I heard my daughter say the other day that one of her friends has a child and the child got into his mom's credit cards and ordered pizza's for everyone. She was saying what audacity it was for the child to do that. She does not remember all the thousands of dollars she stole from her dad and me. As if it never happened. My daughter does not drink or do drugs. Her friends and neighbors have even told me so. I have always told my daughter that drugs and alcohol open a portal for demonic behavior. I believe if my daughter did mess with drugs or alcohol I would move far away and not leave a forwarding address. It seems I have to fight off the demons everyday with situations and lately with my own husband. My husband's family is even toxic to my daughter. She called today and told me how sorry she was that I will have that relative in our home. My daughter said he always made her uncomfortable and has a better than thou attitude. I agree... Of course, if I am in the house with him I will be kind, it is too hard for me to not be kind. It is actually painful for me to ignore someone, it is against my nature but it is for my protection. I am not ugly back to anyone, I just get busy or say to them 'that is very mean'.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi All,
I’m still trying to recover from this cold and the antibiotic the doctor prescribed for a netherland infection. too much information, I know, sorry, and interesting that it all coincided with Tornados appearance, disappearance. I may not be meeting her in the scuzzy corner but I feel like my body is.

His mom was ok but distant to my husband but wicked to all of us in laws.

How the heck can a mother be distant to their own child? I’m sure that had some affect on him?

After that, I tried hard to 'have peace within the storm' it was extremely hard to find peace after my son died but I did. I had studied hard and practiced inner peace after being around my husbands bipolar family that when my son died I relied on the mental tools I learned from all the crazy toxic behavior from being around his family

Inner peace, that is the goal. I am somewhere between trying to practice that and also letting out the anguish. I feel like a pressure cooker at times. I’m glad that you have those tools, Newstart.

Sometimes I am just wore out from constantly fighting off attacks, from my daughter's behavior to sales people constantly trying to rip me off, to the high crime in this area. We live in a neighborhood that has good security yet there are the most bizarre crimes. One full moon night there were 3 suicides within blocks of each other and not related. My friends are getting their purses snatched at the grocery stores and people are blowing up mail boxes right and left. WTH. We toss around moving all the time.

Okay, this could be me writing this. Not that I am attacked by my daughter, just plagued by the yo-yo on again off again insanity of it all. We have issues in our neighborhood as well- lots of drug activity and mopeds up and down the road at odd hours. Crime has risen astronomically here in the islands from car thefts, to brazen robberies at stores, and there has been a string of murders in the past few days. The world has gone mad.

It seems I have to fight off the demons everyday with situations and lately with my own husband.

I’m sorry Newstart. I wish we could just buy some land and create an earthship compound. Only peaceful folks seeking respite, self sufficient gardening need apply.

Fragmented is an interesting word to use. It certainly fits with my situation too. I certainly feel fragmented trying to pick up all the pieces and make sense out of something that can't make decent sense.

I looked up fragmented. It’s more that irrational reactionary part of our brain takes over and it takes intense therapy to out the pieces back together ( correct me if I’m wrong Copa). I know that is an overly simplistic way to explain it. I questioned why the psychologist made this observation and also wonder how he responded to Copas comment about feeling stabbed and bleeding. I’m sorry Copa, that hurt you to the core.
I do understand how we all can feel torn apart by our journeys. It is really tough.

As if why bring it up it is in the past.

Yup, that’s my two, although they do not mind bringing up stuff.
We all have been through some extremely hurtful and traumatic experiences. My heart goes out to all. May we work through the pain of it, and somehow come out more resilient.
Much love
Leaf

 

[Nomad]

Guess what? It’s March 1 and for me and my situation with my “special” needs adult child…things are upside down.

 

[Copabanana]

with my “special” needs adult child…things are upside down.

I am so sorry Nomad. It seems never-ending for me, too.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh no Nomad. Prayers going up.