Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
feeling desperate
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 683772" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi YF, we are glad you are here. I'm glad you are already feeling better with the feedback you are getting. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>If his presence is negative, there needs to be a change in behavior immediately or a timeline for him to leave. I so understand what it's like to have a drug addicted young adult in your home. It's impossible to live with, and it doesn't stay the same...it only gets worse. When I discovered my son was stealing from me, that was a deal breaker. I threw him out multiple times, and gave him chances to come back, and then nothing would change and I would throw him out again.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I got to the point that no matter what he said, he wasn't coming back here. All that, and while I loved him very much and feared for him, I got to a point where I actually cared for myself more than I did him. I call it the 51%/49% rule. I finally got to the point where I was 51% and he was 49%. It took a while.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When we are dealing with a precious adult child who is lost to drugs or other mental illness and aren't trying to change, we are already under a tremendous amount of stress. Then, to have that in our home all the time is quite frankly, a prescription for disaster. If it's this hard for us, their very parents, what could it be like for their stepparents...who are incredibly tolerant, but nobody should be asked to live in that type of environment in their own home. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, this is 100 percent accurate. </p><p></p><p></p><p>house</p></blockquote><p></p><p>I get that, what you said. We love them so much and want so badly for them to have good solid happy lives, but we can't make that happen for them. Finally, I realized that. I wanted it more than he did, and that is backward.</p><p></p><p>So..if nothing changes nothing changes...and finally I had to change because it was clear he wasn't going to anytime soon and we were on a merry go round that never went anywhere positive. </p><p></p><p>If you get to the point where you're ready to set some boundaries with him, here are a few things to think about:</p><p></p><p>1. Go slow. </p><p>2. Keep it simple.</p><p>3. Give him a deadline (for change, for rehab, to move out, whatever it is).</p><p>4. Figure out the consequence of him not meeting the deadline ahead of time. Is it he's out, period? Is it you'll give him $500 and wave goodbye? Is it you'll get a room in a cheap motel for him for a week? Whatever it is, whatever YOU CAN LIVE WITH (that's the key), be sure you can stick to it emotionally and financially and mentally before you say it. </p><p></p><p>My son was homeless some 8 or 9 different times (in between jail and second changes with both his dad and myself). Believe me, there are services out there for people who are homeless. Shelters, day centers, meals, clothing, computers to find jobs, bus passes, free bicycles, etc. etc. Sometimes I started thinking there are TOO many services, and that just helps keep people homeless. </p><p></p><p>You son is very likely a survivor and is likely very resilient and very smart. Most drug addicts are. </p><p></p><p>My son had a grit and a determination (and a stubborn persistence that was self-destructive at times) that was incredible. I say now, some two years after he has begun turning his life around, that he is "proven tough." </p><p></p><p>We have to get out of the way to give our precious adult drug-addicted children a chance to change. If we don't, and we keep on providing a safety net, they don't HAVE to change. I came to understand, after a long long time, that by enabling his behavior and lifestyle, I was literally killing him. </p><p></p><p>We're here for you. Take what you like in terms of our ideas and advice, and leave the rest behind that doesn't work for you. Every situation is different, and we all respect that. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there! This is a journey but there is hope.</p><p>[/QUOTE]</p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 683772, member: 17542"] Hi YF, we are glad you are here. I'm glad you are already feeling better with the feedback you are getting. If his presence is negative, there needs to be a change in behavior immediately or a timeline for him to leave. I so understand what it's like to have a drug addicted young adult in your home. It's impossible to live with, and it doesn't stay the same...it only gets worse. When I discovered my son was stealing from me, that was a deal breaker. I threw him out multiple times, and gave him chances to come back, and then nothing would change and I would throw him out again. Finally, I got to the point that no matter what he said, he wasn't coming back here. All that, and while I loved him very much and feared for him, I got to a point where I actually cared for myself more than I did him. I call it the 51%/49% rule. I finally got to the point where I was 51% and he was 49%. It took a while. When we are dealing with a precious adult child who is lost to drugs or other mental illness and aren't trying to change, we are already under a tremendous amount of stress. Then, to have that in our home all the time is quite frankly, a prescription for disaster. If it's this hard for us, their very parents, what could it be like for their stepparents...who are incredibly tolerant, but nobody should be asked to live in that type of environment in their own home. Yes, this is 100 percent accurate. house[/QUOTE] I get that, what you said. We love them so much and want so badly for them to have good solid happy lives, but we can't make that happen for them. Finally, I realized that. I wanted it more than he did, and that is backward. So..if nothing changes nothing changes...and finally I had to change because it was clear he wasn't going to anytime soon and we were on a merry go round that never went anywhere positive. If you get to the point where you're ready to set some boundaries with him, here are a few things to think about: 1. Go slow. 2. Keep it simple. 3. Give him a deadline (for change, for rehab, to move out, whatever it is). 4. Figure out the consequence of him not meeting the deadline ahead of time. Is it he's out, period? Is it you'll give him $500 and wave goodbye? Is it you'll get a room in a cheap motel for him for a week? Whatever it is, whatever YOU CAN LIVE WITH (that's the key), be sure you can stick to it emotionally and financially and mentally before you say it. My son was homeless some 8 or 9 different times (in between jail and second changes with both his dad and myself). Believe me, there are services out there for people who are homeless. Shelters, day centers, meals, clothing, computers to find jobs, bus passes, free bicycles, etc. etc. Sometimes I started thinking there are TOO many services, and that just helps keep people homeless. You son is very likely a survivor and is likely very resilient and very smart. Most drug addicts are. My son had a grit and a determination (and a stubborn persistence that was self-destructive at times) that was incredible. I say now, some two years after he has begun turning his life around, that he is "proven tough." We have to get out of the way to give our precious adult drug-addicted children a chance to change. If we don't, and we keep on providing a safety net, they don't HAVE to change. I came to understand, after a long long time, that by enabling his behavior and lifestyle, I was literally killing him. We're here for you. Take what you like in terms of our ideas and advice, and leave the rest behind that doesn't work for you. Every situation is different, and we all respect that. Hang in there! This is a journey but there is hope. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
feeling desperate
Top