Feeling mixed up and overwhelmed

[buddy]

I have been counting the days down to Q coming home. Now in thinking about it being tomorrow i started to worry a little. And I felt something else but can't put my finger on it. I talked with his social worker and it was a different one last night that talked to me and they made it sound different and I said, you realize that all the things you are talking about are things your staff suggested and I said it sounded good. Anyway, we got all that worked out and it was no biggie, in fact his needs assessment only needs a quick update if he needs to come back in within 30 days and priority goes to kids who have been there. They also said that they will support anything I ask for so if anything comes up to just ask. They said that any program they coulld just put him in would not be individualized enough for him so it would be better to just add to what i already have which is great by me, we were talking about going back to private Occupational Therapist (OT) and Speech Language Pathologist (SLP). They want his hippotherapy to continue for sure so that is great.

Still I feel so ?????? I have cried all day on and off. Driving down the road, crying. Pick up the kid and he is "being very rude" and "loud" on the unit waiting for me to come. I talk to one nurse I haven't been too thrilled with and she just said things about he "knows exactly what he is doing" and I had t go to my usual... SO???? There has never been a question that he knows what he is doing at the time. People with brain injuries can't stop it but they know what they are doing still. DUH. I know they are not a brain injury unit but it gets really old.

Then he was in such a mood when i picked him up for the pass and every single thing I said he sounded really annoyed. I asked him to use his nice tone of voice with me. He said (in his usual way) May you please turn on sports on the radio. I said sure and as I was doing it, he said good because other wise I am gonna have to hit you. He just can't keep it in and I didn't turn the station on but I know it just comes out so I do give him a chance. I said when you can ask and keep the words in your thinking bubble then I will turn it on. He just didn't even try. He did great at horseback riding. He got in the car and he wanted me to drive up and down the street to see which restaurants he might want to pick from. (I did, he knows every business sign in any neighborhood and often just likes to go to each one and see what they do so it is kind of a thing he does, not fun for most but it is something he likes and it doesnt hurt anyone). So we decided on Jimmy Johns and I did push him to eat it all there with me. I knwo he is locked into their routine but we need to get back to home routine. So I said...I scheduled your make up riding for Saturday and so yo get to go both days after we go home tomorrow. He was NOT happy. He said that Dr. W said he could stay till Sunday because his favorite nurse was working then and he knew she would be said if he left with no good bye and he would feel sad too. I said, well we will have to talk to drW about that---flashback to when I said that about trick or treating and thought I was gonna get it right there in Jimmy Johns-- but no, he just said, do you mean it? I said, I dont care which day, I am just excited for you to come home. so he then did seem much happier and now I have to confront the doctor on why he didn't just tell him that it depends on his medications but we are planning for Friday. He told the nurse that it was my choice and he woudl keep him till Saturday so maybe we will have to push it till Sunday morning. I would love him to come home tonight but I dont want a dangerous car ride home and that would not be the way to start our time together. If he needs to adjust the medications he has to stay anyway so????

I think, can't believe I am going to say this, I have been shielding my heart and trying so hard to gear up for him to not be the same boy I put in there. It feels like a part of him/us died. I feel like I am pulling myself back from him....I hope we can get back to where we were. It is not a typical family but at least it was moving forward. He talks so threateningly...do it or else I will fight for it....my way or the highway kind of talk. It sounds like a preschooler who is really stubborn but because he is bigger it looks worse. It is really a different tone--All in just two weeks! How can that happen. Please let it be just a response to this situation.

 

[JJJ]

He may have picked up some stuff from the other kids in the psychiatric hospital. If so, some of that will fade away once he is away from them. Of course, it could just be that he was on his way to mouthy anyway..14 is the age..but eventually it will stop too.

(((Hugs))) Stay safe.

 

[TeDo]

Take a deep breath. Your psyche is preparing you for the possibility but that doesn't mean it's gong to be the reality. He has probably learned that kind of talk from the other kids where he's at. Keep in mind that he can be quite the mimic. For now, assume they are only words and concentrate on ONE thing at a time. Don't try to fix all the "bad" things he's learned there. Pick the battles that are the most important. Re-establish your authority but you might have to let some of his comments slide for a "little" while. Baby steps!!! You'll drive yourself crazy trying to fix everything at once. I'm sure the pulling back is just a defensive weariness. I assume he's never been this violent with you before this so things aren't going to BE normal at first. You need to "learn" to trust that you're physically safe. That is NORMAL after the things you've experienced.

Be gentle with yourself. Take a step back and outside yourself. What would you tell me if I said those things to you? I know, easier said than done, but it NEEDS to be done/said so I said it. LOL

{{{{(((HUGS))))}}}}

 

[InsaneCdn]

Ditto TeDo.

Nothing feeds anxiety so well, as uncertainty.

Get the plan in place, make sure the bases are covered, and then... run with it. The hardest part is going from inertia, to full-steam - and you don't have time to go through 15 gears!

 

[Malika]

I can understand your feelings, and your trepidation at having him come out and be violent again. It's perfectly understandable. Let us hope very much that things will return to normal. To play devil's advocate, and I kind of don't want to ask this, but what is your plan if he does become violent again? I think you have to think this through, however very hard it is. Fingers crossed it will not come to that, but it may reduce the anxiety and fear if you actually think through the eventuality that something has changed with him.
Not that I am one to speak... my son is like two different kids, basically - and I do really see the temptation sometimes to play down the unpleasant, out of control, concerning one (because I just want it to go away or not to exist at all). Taking it seriously is something I have to steel myself to do.
Hugs and warmest thoughts for today.

 

[buddy]

OK, thanks for giving me permission to feel yucky about my own kid. malika, that is what I have been talking to them about all week. And t he public health nurse and journaling, and his doctor. I told him that I will call 911 and I know that is part of why he is still mad at me. I told him it is a new day and I wont be hurt anymore. I told him I am sorry you have a hard time but I have to keep everyone safe and especially last time, lots of people were unsafe. Its my job to make sure you and they are okay too. So I think he is scared because he knows he can't stop it very often. We have been practicing new words at the hospital to use and he actually showed me and asked me to do it too. So I pretended to be mad, he said "halt" and I did two deep breaths.

I went to the mail tonight and my step mom sent me a check. She is the only parent still working and it was very sweet. She knows I have put 2000 miles on my car in the last two weeks. to put that in perspective, my car is 2004, bought brand new at the beginning of 2006 with 80 miles on it. It now has under 40,000 miles, I dont drive much! so to do that in two weeks! holy cow. I ride bike and walk lots plus everything is close by.

anyway, back to the topic, if he becomes violent again and I can't calm him...911 if I can then I call intake and is file is ready for an updated assessment and he can go straight there without the er. if after 30 days just means he has to do the full needs assessment but that is not a huge deal. I can change my waiver services...I have a three bedroom home and I could have a live in person which would still cost the county less than residential and would meet his needs better. so we will see. it stinks that it is only like 5% of his day if it happens at all. but now that he is getting bigger that can be a LONG time.

 

[BellJar]

Oh hon,

I haven't been in your shoes and so I can't give you helpful advice but really wanted to offer you a cyber hug.

That is one well loved kid. He is so lucky to have you. I hope that everything gets calmer once he's had a couple of days to settle back into his usual routine.

 

[Malika]

That's great you've got a plan in place (well, not great that you have to have one, but you know what I mean)... And to know that you have the "last resort" of live-in help if it comes to that. At least you do not have to worry about funding these things, which is one particular load off your mind.
Any luck with the handbag (= purse!)??

 

[BusynMember]

Hey...do what you have to do to keep all of you safe, including him. I had to call 911 on my daughter once as she pulled a knife on herself. The police took her away in handcuffs and, being a teenager, you can only imagine the things she said as she left. But what else could we do? She wouldn't give us the knife and I didn't want her to get hurt. Sometimes our only choice is to allow our beloved children to hurt themselves (or others) or try to get help. She spent two weeks in a hospital. In spite of all the horrible things she shouted at us and the police took her away (and in spite of how I begged the cops not to handcuff her), things are fine between us now. She knows, in her older more mature mind, that we were just trying to keep her safe. And our younger ones know it too when they can not control themselves.

Is live-in help really an option? I never heard of the state paying for that, although it makes a lot of sense. That would be a nice trend!

Hugs, and keep us posted! You know we care!

 

[LittleDudesMom]

It sounds like you have the plan in place -- that's half the battle - stick to your guns.

It is so typical for us, parents of difficult children, to have that "I love him but don't like him" syndrome. It's understandable.

You know you will be in our thoughts today. Hugs.

Sharon

 

[buddy]

thanks for the nice words everyone. Midwest mom, he has a good waiver. so, I can choose to use it to pay someone to live in to care for him for part of the time. We are really blessed he has been on a waiver since age 4, first daughter in one county then when I switched districts we were in a new county....they disagreed with old county and put him on a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) waiver NB (neurobehavioral) level which more than doubled the waiver. He has to have a behavioral organization providing services to be on this level of waiver so that is where a large chunk goes to, obviously that is important and makes sense.... I am paid now, but if I hired someone, I would work less with him, and more outside, I am going to have to transition at some point in the next few years anyway so???

 

[Liahona]

husband feels this way about difficult child 1 all the time. I'm not there yet. This is one of the reasons I suggested the martial arts for you. Only you know if his level of aggression is enough for a live in person. You were hurt and scared. Its hard to see your little boy in the same light after being scared of him. You don't know if his aggression level will be ok to live with when he comes home. It is normal to feel as you do. In your shoes I'd be very scared. You have a plan for if he has to go back. You have a plan for if he can stay. Its going to be o.k. Just follow your plans. Maybe a mind numbing activity like a video game would help. Wish I was there to give you a hug.

 

[buddy]

liahona, me too, smile...cyber hugs are a great second option! thanks.