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Substance Abuse
Feeling sad for daughter in law and my grandchildren...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620016" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>If you are on really good terms with daughter in law, I have a suggestion because what she told a six year old about her dream was in my opinion not the best approach when a child has a drug addict (or any type of criminal) as a DNA father.</p><p></p><p>My son Sonic's birthmother was or is a died-in-the-wool drug addict and had five kids, all drug exposed, and had walked out of rehabs (paid for on the taxpayer dime) eleven times. Yet I don't want Sonic to feel that his birthmother, one of his DNA genetic connections is a bad person, and, behind the drug abuse, she is probably a very good person because Sonic is a doll. So rather than telling him that she didn't love him and put drugs first, blah, blah, blah, I told him that she was too sick to take care of him or any baby. That it was not his fault and that addiction is an illness that makes people do things they would not do if they did not have the illness. I do not want Sonic thinking that a person who is part of why he exists in this world is all bad. Actually, she was probably a prostitute, by her history, as well, but he will never hear that from me. Maybe it would be kinder if daughter in law explained your son that way to their children. Not for his sake. For theirs. They are still 50% his DNA and they will live with that and how they perceive him is partly how they may perceive themselves. Even "he was very nice before he got sick. I wish you had known him then" would maybe also be nice. I had to think very hard about what to tell Sonic about his birthmother (he has never had an interest in his birthfather, which is good, because I have no info on him, not even a name). Again, this is NOT to enable your difficult child in the eyes of his kids. It is because they will partly build their identity based on what they think their birthfather is like.</p><p></p><p>I am such a cynic that sometimes I almost have to laugh at myself, but I'm not thinking that this is a good love match for your daughter in law. She is probably partly a difficult child too, right? Just guessing here. He is much older than her and has kids close to her own age. Yikes. Also, he has already been married....twice?? She doesn't really know the real stories of why, but I can't figure out why somebody young would want to gamble on somebody who failed at marriage two times. Also...I think it is soon to introduce your grandkids to this man, but this is just all my own feelings and my own opinion. I believe the kids need more time alone with mom, mom needs time alone to grow, and I would not be a bit surprised if this new love fizzled fast. It would be easier if she kept the kids out of it until she was 100% sure (ok, well, nobody is ever 100% sure...maybe 95?). If this were my daughter, I'd be gnashing my teeth and having to swallow hard and fast not to say, "It doesn't sound too good to me."</p><p></p><p>Remember...one day at a time. You don't know what is going to happen tomorrow.</p><p></p><p>I do think that Mom should refrain from confiding too much in her tiny children, but you have no control over that.</p><p></p><p>It is brave of you to be gracious and wish them well. Let's just stand back and see where this leads. Big hugs and lots and lots of admiration for your attitude and sadness for any sadness YOU feel. Whatever happens, you will find serenity and peace one day. We will all work together to help each other.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620016, member: 1550"] If you are on really good terms with daughter in law, I have a suggestion because what she told a six year old about her dream was in my opinion not the best approach when a child has a drug addict (or any type of criminal) as a DNA father. My son Sonic's birthmother was or is a died-in-the-wool drug addict and had five kids, all drug exposed, and had walked out of rehabs (paid for on the taxpayer dime) eleven times. Yet I don't want Sonic to feel that his birthmother, one of his DNA genetic connections is a bad person, and, behind the drug abuse, she is probably a very good person because Sonic is a doll. So rather than telling him that she didn't love him and put drugs first, blah, blah, blah, I told him that she was too sick to take care of him or any baby. That it was not his fault and that addiction is an illness that makes people do things they would not do if they did not have the illness. I do not want Sonic thinking that a person who is part of why he exists in this world is all bad. Actually, she was probably a prostitute, by her history, as well, but he will never hear that from me. Maybe it would be kinder if daughter in law explained your son that way to their children. Not for his sake. For theirs. They are still 50% his DNA and they will live with that and how they perceive him is partly how they may perceive themselves. Even "he was very nice before he got sick. I wish you had known him then" would maybe also be nice. I had to think very hard about what to tell Sonic about his birthmother (he has never had an interest in his birthfather, which is good, because I have no info on him, not even a name). Again, this is NOT to enable your difficult child in the eyes of his kids. It is because they will partly build their identity based on what they think their birthfather is like. I am such a cynic that sometimes I almost have to laugh at myself, but I'm not thinking that this is a good love match for your daughter in law. She is probably partly a difficult child too, right? Just guessing here. He is much older than her and has kids close to her own age. Yikes. Also, he has already been married....twice?? She doesn't really know the real stories of why, but I can't figure out why somebody young would want to gamble on somebody who failed at marriage two times. Also...I think it is soon to introduce your grandkids to this man, but this is just all my own feelings and my own opinion. I believe the kids need more time alone with mom, mom needs time alone to grow, and I would not be a bit surprised if this new love fizzled fast. It would be easier if she kept the kids out of it until she was 100% sure (ok, well, nobody is ever 100% sure...maybe 95?). If this were my daughter, I'd be gnashing my teeth and having to swallow hard and fast not to say, "It doesn't sound too good to me." Remember...one day at a time. You don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I do think that Mom should refrain from confiding too much in her tiny children, but you have no control over that. It is brave of you to be gracious and wish them well. Let's just stand back and see where this leads. Big hugs and lots and lots of admiration for your attitude and sadness for any sadness YOU feel. Whatever happens, you will find serenity and peace one day. We will all work together to help each other. [/QUOTE]
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Feeling sad for daughter in law and my grandchildren...
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