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Substance Abuse
Feeling sad for daughter in law and my grandchildren...
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 620076" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>LMS, thank you so much for giving me the background of your life. So, by your story, it takes a good 10 years to get it! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>I still have a ways to go, obviously, and seriously I do have a ways to go...but I have made tremendous progress! </p><p></p><p>I have posted much of my son's path on other threads---don't want to bore others by repeating, but I will give a recap:</p><p></p><p>***colicky baby, formula intolerance, cried a lot, fussy, I quit my full time job to work part-time from home when he was born, had some child care, mother's day out, etc. his brother is 3.5 years older (easy child) </p><p>***was a clingy little boy, shy, held back and watched a lot, quiet if he didn't know you, center of attention if he did</p><p>***all good til age 13 (like you)---in elem. school straight As, never got in trouble, shy</p><p>***he went to middle school and that is when it all started, in 7th grade</p><p>***didn't want to be in band anymore (I thought it was the mean band teachers)</p><p>was in gifted program like his brother had been, poor teacher was pulling her hair out with difficult child---he didn't "want to be smart" and would basically sit there and do nothing. Very passive aggressive.</p><p>***Got paddled for "holding" a girl's ipod---was "just holding it mom". Of course, I believed him but allowed my neighbor/asst. principal to paddle him even though I thought it was really not fair (lol)</p><p>and so it went. </p><p>***High school, was on soccer team for 4 years, cared about that so kept it between the lines, basically did as little as possible academically, sometimes would do homework but not turn it in (!), worked part time, etc. Was not social, didn't go to football games, proms, but had a few friends/acquaintances</p><p>Would say: I don't want to grow up.</p><p>Liked excitement---talked about being a fireman, policeman, ER doctor. Likes thrills.</p><p>His friends were always "liars." Not me, Mom. Not me. I bought it.</p><p>Did prankster type stuff---rode his bike into the neighborhood swimming pool, I made him call and apologize to the Pool Nazis, neighbors who take care of the pool, etc.</p><p>Evidently was drinking some (how much?) but I didn't know it and no legal issues or other issues</p><p>***flunked out first semester college--2009. went to junior college, he moved out (we paid) to live with his brother (poor brother). That lasted six months. moved back in with me, worked/school part time. laid around, played too many video games, lazy, room trashed, etc. </p><p>***ramping up. would follow no rules at home. stole $ from me, smoking pot in my house, girlfriend now, would basically ignore any rules I set forth. </p><p>***girlfriend told me later on (one fateful day she sat me down) that he really didn't start most of it until he was about 21, legal drinking age, had to have a "40" every night (I didn't even know what a 40 was...), smoking pot, taking pills, etc. </p><p>got arrested first time for hitting a car from behind---he was high, pills found in car, no rx. that is when all of the fun began.</p><p>since then multiple arrests, including felonies for selling, stealing from employer, stealing from me, his dad, our neighbors, going to kill himself multiple xs, kicked out of my house again, kicked out of dad's house, homeless x3 periods, one for 30 days, periods of time in jail---longest 8 months, 1 30-day rehab, 1 10-day detox, 1 7-day in state hospital, 1 30-day in rehab, kicked out for failed drug test, then back there for 60 days failed drug test kicked out again. Fired from working at every restaurant in town plus other jobs. Gets mad , they "aren't fair" blah blah, quits or gets fired. No respect for any place he lives. A lot more stresses and frustrations and troubles, but those are the highlights. </p><p></p><p>Doesn't have a problem. Doesn't need rehab. </p><p></p><p>I went to Alanon for 18 months when I was dealing with his dad's alcoholism. Stopped when he and I got separated and later divorced. Didn't need THAT anymore.</p><p></p><p>3.5 years ago I went running back to AlAnon and this time have worked hard to change using those principles. Little by little, I have stopped enabling. I can still believe him when he is in rehab but looking back he has never, never gone because HE wanted to go, just because we pushed or he had nowhere else to go so, well, okay, guess I'll go to rehab.</p><p></p><p>Who even knows the half of what he has done? The drugs...etc. I know I don't. I probably know 10 percent of it. He lies when the truth would serve just as well. He has the typical grandiosity, incredible immaturity, is super-persistent and annoying to get what he wants, seems to only care about himself, i.e., working out in jail, etc. I don't believe a word he says about anything (but sometimes I still do). My mother had a stroke 6 months ago, he hasn't asked one time how she is. (that hurts me).</p><p></p><p>For so so long I thought he would grow out of all of this. He has the addiction DNA super strong from both sides, my grandmother and my brother---his own dad, his granddad. </p><p></p><p>The other day someone said to me, he sounds like a "hardcore" drug addict. That was startling to hear but that sounds right when I think about it. He keeps on doing the same things---ramping up and up---and nothing changes, no matter what. </p><p></p><p>One would think that living on the street for 30 days would be a wake up call. Or 8 months in jail. Guess not.</p><p></p><p>As my brother said to me the other night on the phone: You're done. I said yep. He said I can tell. I am done. I want to be done. I want to be able to do what others do on this site and stop in, smile, say hi, and keep on moving. Detachment with love. </p><p></p><p>Wow this is hard. So you inspired me to write a book, too, lol. But it is good to recap it all in prep for what is next. He gets out of jail this Saturday and will once again have nowhere and nothing. I have my plan in place and that is to get his clothes to him and say let's talk when you get settled somewhere. Nothing more. I really know that for ME (first) and for him I have to completely stay out of the way. I so want to be able to do that this time. Thank you for your example, your story and your counsel. </p><p></p><p>Peace and blessings to you and to me...and to all of us!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 620076, member: 17542"] LMS, thank you so much for giving me the background of your life. So, by your story, it takes a good 10 years to get it! :) I still have a ways to go, obviously, and seriously I do have a ways to go...but I have made tremendous progress! I have posted much of my son's path on other threads---don't want to bore others by repeating, but I will give a recap: ***colicky baby, formula intolerance, cried a lot, fussy, I quit my full time job to work part-time from home when he was born, had some child care, mother's day out, etc. his brother is 3.5 years older (easy child) ***was a clingy little boy, shy, held back and watched a lot, quiet if he didn't know you, center of attention if he did ***all good til age 13 (like you)---in elem. school straight As, never got in trouble, shy ***he went to middle school and that is when it all started, in 7th grade ***didn't want to be in band anymore (I thought it was the mean band teachers) was in gifted program like his brother had been, poor teacher was pulling her hair out with difficult child---he didn't "want to be smart" and would basically sit there and do nothing. Very passive aggressive. ***Got paddled for "holding" a girl's ipod---was "just holding it mom". Of course, I believed him but allowed my neighbor/asst. principal to paddle him even though I thought it was really not fair (lol) and so it went. ***High school, was on soccer team for 4 years, cared about that so kept it between the lines, basically did as little as possible academically, sometimes would do homework but not turn it in (!), worked part time, etc. Was not social, didn't go to football games, proms, but had a few friends/acquaintances Would say: I don't want to grow up. Liked excitement---talked about being a fireman, policeman, ER doctor. Likes thrills. His friends were always "liars." Not me, Mom. Not me. I bought it. Did prankster type stuff---rode his bike into the neighborhood swimming pool, I made him call and apologize to the Pool Nazis, neighbors who take care of the pool, etc. Evidently was drinking some (how much?) but I didn't know it and no legal issues or other issues ***flunked out first semester college--2009. went to junior college, he moved out (we paid) to live with his brother (poor brother). That lasted six months. moved back in with me, worked/school part time. laid around, played too many video games, lazy, room trashed, etc. ***ramping up. would follow no rules at home. stole $ from me, smoking pot in my house, girlfriend now, would basically ignore any rules I set forth. ***girlfriend told me later on (one fateful day she sat me down) that he really didn't start most of it until he was about 21, legal drinking age, had to have a "40" every night (I didn't even know what a 40 was...), smoking pot, taking pills, etc. got arrested first time for hitting a car from behind---he was high, pills found in car, no rx. that is when all of the fun began. since then multiple arrests, including felonies for selling, stealing from employer, stealing from me, his dad, our neighbors, going to kill himself multiple xs, kicked out of my house again, kicked out of dad's house, homeless x3 periods, one for 30 days, periods of time in jail---longest 8 months, 1 30-day rehab, 1 10-day detox, 1 7-day in state hospital, 1 30-day in rehab, kicked out for failed drug test, then back there for 60 days failed drug test kicked out again. Fired from working at every restaurant in town plus other jobs. Gets mad , they "aren't fair" blah blah, quits or gets fired. No respect for any place he lives. A lot more stresses and frustrations and troubles, but those are the highlights. Doesn't have a problem. Doesn't need rehab. I went to Alanon for 18 months when I was dealing with his dad's alcoholism. Stopped when he and I got separated and later divorced. Didn't need THAT anymore. 3.5 years ago I went running back to AlAnon and this time have worked hard to change using those principles. Little by little, I have stopped enabling. I can still believe him when he is in rehab but looking back he has never, never gone because HE wanted to go, just because we pushed or he had nowhere else to go so, well, okay, guess I'll go to rehab. Who even knows the half of what he has done? The drugs...etc. I know I don't. I probably know 10 percent of it. He lies when the truth would serve just as well. He has the typical grandiosity, incredible immaturity, is super-persistent and annoying to get what he wants, seems to only care about himself, i.e., working out in jail, etc. I don't believe a word he says about anything (but sometimes I still do). My mother had a stroke 6 months ago, he hasn't asked one time how she is. (that hurts me). For so so long I thought he would grow out of all of this. He has the addiction DNA super strong from both sides, my grandmother and my brother---his own dad, his granddad. The other day someone said to me, he sounds like a "hardcore" drug addict. That was startling to hear but that sounds right when I think about it. He keeps on doing the same things---ramping up and up---and nothing changes, no matter what. One would think that living on the street for 30 days would be a wake up call. Or 8 months in jail. Guess not. As my brother said to me the other night on the phone: You're done. I said yep. He said I can tell. I am done. I want to be done. I want to be able to do what others do on this site and stop in, smile, say hi, and keep on moving. Detachment with love. Wow this is hard. So you inspired me to write a book, too, lol. But it is good to recap it all in prep for what is next. He gets out of jail this Saturday and will once again have nowhere and nothing. I have my plan in place and that is to get his clothes to him and say let's talk when you get settled somewhere. Nothing more. I really know that for ME (first) and for him I have to completely stay out of the way. I so want to be able to do that this time. Thank you for your example, your story and your counsel. Peace and blessings to you and to me...and to all of us! [/QUOTE]
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