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Substance Abuse
Feeling sad for daughter in law and my grandchildren...
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 620575"><p>Oh LMS - I don't think any of us read into your words. I know I certainly did not. You are probably the least judgmental person on the boards. In fact, I don't think anyone here is judgmental. Even if they were, no one judges us harder than our very own selves...</p><p></p><p>You know, I get what you are saying about allowing kids to make and own their mistakes early on. The funny thing is - that's how my mom was. Except that she wanted to own my mistakes, and I often stopped asking for her help because she lorded it over me the few times she gave it. It never ended well, always in tears and always with her carrying on about how much smarter she was than me & how unappreciative I was... And gosh - if I forgot my homework at school - or I needed a last minute supply I forgot about or some such, she carried on there too; and again it was far easier to take a lowered grade than it was to ask her to intervene and get humiliated in the process. And there were many times, I dug myself into a hole that became insurmountable as far as missed assignments or not asking for extra help from anyone and then getting lost in a class and not being able to catch up. </p><p></p><p> This is turning into a pity party - and I don't mean it to be; and I am not implying that you or your daughter in law is that way!</p><p></p><p>So when I had my own kids, I vowed that I would always support them - especially with school. That we would help, that bad grades wouldn't be cause for humiliation but would be a flag and an indication that they needed our support. When they forgot a lunch or a book, I brought it. I kept extra school & art supplies on hand "just in case" for last minute projects; school came first and I was always there to back them up when needed. I don't think we overdid it, but maybe we did. Our kids always got good grades and I hope they knew that Mom had their back. You know how you make parenting promises to yourself - "if I have kids one day I will..." letting my kids know that they could depend on me for that stuff - was a huge vow I made to myself and I worked hard to keep. I thought it would be the difference in their lives... and it's probably why we moved heaven and earth to get difficult child back in school in the fall and looked the other way despite the tiny voice in our heads telling us that all was not right and that he wasn't attending...</p><p></p><p>So, I guess I think you may be right. On the other hand, I like to think it's the reason difficult child graduated HS with honors and I console myself with at least getting him that far. I never did any of his homework - his classes far surpassed my own science and math knowledge - but we told him (and our pcs) that school was their priority and we made it a priority for h and me too.</p><p></p><p>I know I am rambling and not making sense - your post struck such a cord with me - "a d@mned if you do, d@mned if you don't", I suppose. And it probably goes back to the sage advice that we can't ever work harder (on them) than they do (on themselves). I think that's where I got lost this time around w difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Thanks LMS for posting this. I needed to read it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 620575"] Oh LMS - I don't think any of us read into your words. I know I certainly did not. You are probably the least judgmental person on the boards. In fact, I don't think anyone here is judgmental. Even if they were, no one judges us harder than our very own selves... You know, I get what you are saying about allowing kids to make and own their mistakes early on. The funny thing is - that's how my mom was. Except that she wanted to own my mistakes, and I often stopped asking for her help because she lorded it over me the few times she gave it. It never ended well, always in tears and always with her carrying on about how much smarter she was than me & how unappreciative I was... And gosh - if I forgot my homework at school - or I needed a last minute supply I forgot about or some such, she carried on there too; and again it was far easier to take a lowered grade than it was to ask her to intervene and get humiliated in the process. And there were many times, I dug myself into a hole that became insurmountable as far as missed assignments or not asking for extra help from anyone and then getting lost in a class and not being able to catch up. This is turning into a pity party - and I don't mean it to be; and I am not implying that you or your daughter in law is that way! So when I had my own kids, I vowed that I would always support them - especially with school. That we would help, that bad grades wouldn't be cause for humiliation but would be a flag and an indication that they needed our support. When they forgot a lunch or a book, I brought it. I kept extra school & art supplies on hand "just in case" for last minute projects; school came first and I was always there to back them up when needed. I don't think we overdid it, but maybe we did. Our kids always got good grades and I hope they knew that Mom had their back. You know how you make parenting promises to yourself - "if I have kids one day I will..." letting my kids know that they could depend on me for that stuff - was a huge vow I made to myself and I worked hard to keep. I thought it would be the difference in their lives... and it's probably why we moved heaven and earth to get difficult child back in school in the fall and looked the other way despite the tiny voice in our heads telling us that all was not right and that he wasn't attending... So, I guess I think you may be right. On the other hand, I like to think it's the reason difficult child graduated HS with honors and I console myself with at least getting him that far. I never did any of his homework - his classes far surpassed my own science and math knowledge - but we told him (and our pcs) that school was their priority and we made it a priority for h and me too. I know I am rambling and not making sense - your post struck such a cord with me - "a d@mned if you do, d@mned if you don't", I suppose. And it probably goes back to the sage advice that we can't ever work harder (on them) than they do (on themselves). I think that's where I got lost this time around w difficult child. Thanks LMS for posting this. I needed to read it. [/QUOTE]
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Feeling sad for daughter in law and my grandchildren...
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