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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 702362" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>My youngest son is going to move out in a week. He bought a wonderful house in town and escrow is almost done.</p><p></p><p>I am very happy for him. He is doing very well. He has a new job, girlfriend, and house. </p><p></p><p>But, I am very afraid...almost paralyzed with fear. I have never lived alone. Never. I don't feel like I can do it.</p><p></p><p>My best friend said something profound. I do not have anyone left to protect. I just have myself. I have always risen to the scary or violent situation at hand to protect my children. I have always been brave, a bit numb, but brave none the less.</p><p></p><p>But, now I am faced with just myself...and my traumas and fears. I am hyper-vigilant and have a chronic startle reflex.</p><p></p><p>I plan to keep all of the lights on in the house. I already have an alarm system and cameras. I keep having flashbacks of my schizophrenic son holding the jagged bottle towards my throat and his expressionless eyes. I also miss him terribly everyday...</p><p></p><p>My middle son is still not doing well. He Is still very sad and depressed. My schizophrenic son is still homeless, most likely, and still uses a small amount of money from our joint account each day. That is my life-line. I am very happy that my youngest son is mostly unscathed.</p><p></p><p>Even if the alarm was to go off, I am in the back of the house, with no escape route. Should I get a step stool so I can kick out the window screen and climb out? Then, I would still have to go out front for safety and help. I do not trust the police. I would be dead before they arrive.</p><p></p><p>Funny side note. Yes...funny. Two nights ago, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my youngest son and his new girlfriend. He was joking about the house being haunted. My whole house is full of antiques. He swears that the pedestal rocker from the 1860's used to move and creak at night with the windows closed, as he slept in the loft above.</p><p></p><p>When I got home, I was in the 'haunted' family room watching t.v., when I heard his husky, Scout's, squeaky tennis ball squeak about 30 times. I thought that Scout must be out there. But, when I checked, he was sleeping in my son's bed.</p><p></p><p>So what...or who...was still repeatedly squeaking the ball? My heart was in my throat with the thoughts of the fresh discussion about ghosts and our house being haunted!</p><p></p><p>I still do not know what...or who...was squeaking the ball. When my son came home, after I frantically called him, he found a squeaky tennis ball right outside the window. My yard has block walls and gates.</p><p></p><p>Was it a racoon? I read that pet racoons like squeaky toys. Or...???</p><p></p><p>I am a nervous wreck. Maybe I will sleep in the living room, so I can see who is coming through the front door. This is the first time in my life that I greatly dislike my house being 2,400 sqft...with too many rooms...windows...and DOORS. During all of my years of trauma, I never felt this afraid.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 702362, member: 19245"] My youngest son is going to move out in a week. He bought a wonderful house in town and escrow is almost done. I am very happy for him. He is doing very well. He has a new job, girlfriend, and house. But, I am very afraid...almost paralyzed with fear. I have never lived alone. Never. I don't feel like I can do it. My best friend said something profound. I do not have anyone left to protect. I just have myself. I have always risen to the scary or violent situation at hand to protect my children. I have always been brave, a bit numb, but brave none the less. But, now I am faced with just myself...and my traumas and fears. I am hyper-vigilant and have a chronic startle reflex. I plan to keep all of the lights on in the house. I already have an alarm system and cameras. I keep having flashbacks of my schizophrenic son holding the jagged bottle towards my throat and his expressionless eyes. I also miss him terribly everyday... My middle son is still not doing well. He Is still very sad and depressed. My schizophrenic son is still homeless, most likely, and still uses a small amount of money from our joint account each day. That is my life-line. I am very happy that my youngest son is mostly unscathed. Even if the alarm was to go off, I am in the back of the house, with no escape route. Should I get a step stool so I can kick out the window screen and climb out? Then, I would still have to go out front for safety and help. I do not trust the police. I would be dead before they arrive. Funny side note. Yes...funny. Two nights ago, I was having dinner at a restaurant with my youngest son and his new girlfriend. He was joking about the house being haunted. My whole house is full of antiques. He swears that the pedestal rocker from the 1860's used to move and creak at night with the windows closed, as he slept in the loft above. When I got home, I was in the 'haunted' family room watching t.v., when I heard his husky, Scout's, squeaky tennis ball squeak about 30 times. I thought that Scout must be out there. But, when I checked, he was sleeping in my son's bed. So what...or who...was still repeatedly squeaking the ball? My heart was in my throat with the thoughts of the fresh discussion about ghosts and our house being haunted! I still do not know what...or who...was squeaking the ball. When my son came home, after I frantically called him, he found a squeaky tennis ball right outside the window. My yard has block walls and gates. Was it a racoon? I read that pet racoons like squeaky toys. Or...??? I am a nervous wreck. Maybe I will sleep in the living room, so I can see who is coming through the front door. This is the first time in my life that I greatly dislike my house being 2,400 sqft...with too many rooms...windows...and DOORS. During all of my years of trauma, I never felt this afraid. [/QUOTE]
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