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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 702533" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Feeling</p><p></p><p>I have been away for quite awhile and the first thing back wanted to check in with you. I have skimmed the past week of your thread and feel sad for you that you are frightened and lonely. I feel sad for myself too. My son has been back here with me for the past five weeks. It is going fifty-fifty. My own despair seems not so much related to actual events and circumstances but more something spiritual or existential-the awareness that central themes in my life are playing themselves out in ways I have little or no control over. I am undecided if I ever had the control in my life that I thought I did, that my sense of having lost control--is illusory too--I never had it.</p><p></p><p>Either way, it is a difficult time. I have always been able to rally--I am like you in that. This time is different. It is over three years now that my mother is gone. I seem to be unable to recover myself. That is the reality of things. Some days I can accept it without being depressed. Other days I despair.</p><p></p><p>I write this about myself because I am increasingly seeing myself and my life in spiritual terms. And in doing so, in moments I feel a bit of hope. This is from somebody who once saw herself as a Marxist, believing myself to have been abandoned by G-d--I seem to be learning a way to see myself in relation to G-d in way I never thought possible.</p><p></p><p>I do not mean to take your thread in directions where I do not recall you ever taking. But I wanted to say that to different degrees we are both struggling with handling lives where there is immeasurable love and longing and no control. Mothers and people generally in all of human history have dealt with situations such as ours. I do not want to see myself as a person who is dashed against the rocks, despite valiant (and perhaps impossible efforts.) Because I have tried to live my life well.</p><p></p><p>More and more I see that nearly all of the measures that I have used to define success and meaning have set me up. Nearing the end of my life--I feel upended. The last card I have to play is this one.</p><p></p><p>I do not want to either depress or scare you. I guess my intention is mostly to let you know that you are not alone in this place you find yourself. I am there with you, in my way. I guess another intention I have is to write this to get a read on myself. It is hard to imagine that this person, me, who writes this is the same me who came here 18 months ago. I am at a place I could never have foreseen. And I am unsure where I am going and what it means.</p><p></p><p>Feeling. I hope I have not offended and that you feel a small measure of support and affection from me, your friend.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 702533, member: 18958"] Hi Feeling I have been away for quite awhile and the first thing back wanted to check in with you. I have skimmed the past week of your thread and feel sad for you that you are frightened and lonely. I feel sad for myself too. My son has been back here with me for the past five weeks. It is going fifty-fifty. My own despair seems not so much related to actual events and circumstances but more something spiritual or existential-the awareness that central themes in my life are playing themselves out in ways I have little or no control over. I am undecided if I ever had the control in my life that I thought I did, that my sense of having lost control--is illusory too--I never had it. Either way, it is a difficult time. I have always been able to rally--I am like you in that. This time is different. It is over three years now that my mother is gone. I seem to be unable to recover myself. That is the reality of things. Some days I can accept it without being depressed. Other days I despair. I write this about myself because I am increasingly seeing myself and my life in spiritual terms. And in doing so, in moments I feel a bit of hope. This is from somebody who once saw herself as a Marxist, believing myself to have been abandoned by G-d--I seem to be learning a way to see myself in relation to G-d in way I never thought possible. I do not mean to take your thread in directions where I do not recall you ever taking. But I wanted to say that to different degrees we are both struggling with handling lives where there is immeasurable love and longing and no control. Mothers and people generally in all of human history have dealt with situations such as ours. I do not want to see myself as a person who is dashed against the rocks, despite valiant (and perhaps impossible efforts.) Because I have tried to live my life well. More and more I see that nearly all of the measures that I have used to define success and meaning have set me up. Nearing the end of my life--I feel upended. The last card I have to play is this one. I do not want to either depress or scare you. I guess my intention is mostly to let you know that you are not alone in this place you find yourself. I am there with you, in my way. I guess another intention I have is to write this to get a read on myself. It is hard to imagine that this person, me, who writes this is the same me who came here 18 months ago. I am at a place I could never have foreseen. And I am unsure where I am going and what it means. Feeling. I hope I have not offended and that you feel a small measure of support and affection from me, your friend. [/QUOTE]
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