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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 703188" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My son came back today, Feeling. It is difficult. You know how come. I am posting this because maybe some of this is true for you, too. Feeling. What choice did you have? What choices do you have? Where is there to go? What escape can you find? Is there any? For any of us? For each of us? Is this not, really, all of this, a spiritual crisis--because in what other way can we go anywhere in this? There is no where up, down, out, away--only in, I now believe.</p><p></p><p>I have identified myself (in another conversation) as feeling like the "patient" as a short cut to say this: The feeling, sense or reality that there is nothing I can do. Nowhere I can go. No stand to take. No retreat. No fight to win. In relationship to my child.</p><p></p><p>Do you recognize, Feeling, that while more extreme, and now legally defined, in your own case, that the struggle is the same?</p><p></p><p>I am struggling with making the distinction between no control and powerlessness, and helplessness. To the extent that I feel I am a victim, his victim. Which I am not. To the extent I am a victim, it is of my own making (to some extent--because he is the one who always shows up at my door.) Even (especially) when I have told him to stay away. Or the victim-sense is a recollection from the past.</p><p></p><p>Over a many year period I have struggled with feelings of helplessness and victimization that come up in relationship to my son. Because I see no way out for me.</p><p></p><p>I have no way to help him, without great cost to myself--and to him--because he is 28 years old, and I am his Mom. What good can come of this, really, for him or for me? And nowhere to escape because I love him so much. He recognizes he must help himself, to a greater and greater extent. But it is slow, slow, slow. And he<em> is</em> growing in insight and self-awareness. But something concrete has to happen (in my mind) in terms of emancipation and independence. Some goal. Something I can see!! (But I realize this is exactly the crux of the matter. And what leads to my desperation, frustration, and existential despair.) He is 28 years old!</p><p></p><p>By his voicing these words,*<em>I know I have to change; I have made it all about me, when it is not; I know now. I am committed to change'; I have had an epiphany</em> (all tonight) he knows he can get a do over with us.</p><p></p><p>His saying: <em>A new leaf</em>. He does to some extent try to do better, to change--but at the same time, he manipulates, too. Battles us, undermines us--uses "the powers of the weak." When I try to help him I set myself up to undermined, manipulated, lied to--I set myself up in a master-slave relationship with my son--who is an adult man. I recognize that it is inappropriate and damaging to set conditions for him, for his life. But what am I to do if he wants to be dependent in my space? And the alternative is that he is homeless.</p><p></p><p>I have lost the capacity to let him be homeless. I am so over his being homeless.</p><p></p><p>We have been living this song on the jukebox for years and years now. I have lived with him gone for 4 years plus. Homeless. In other people's spaces. Etc. Many hospitalizations. I am so over this. But cannot move beyond it.</p><p></p><p>I believe he is sincerely trying to change--to a point--that is the problem. But I recognize too, that this kind of change takes time and struggle.<em> I cannot control the struggle.</em> He does. That is why I feel like I am the patient.</p><p></p><p>I become as symptomatic or more than is he: That is what I mean. All of it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 703188, member: 18958"] My son came back today, Feeling. It is difficult. You know how come. I am posting this because maybe some of this is true for you, too. Feeling. What choice did you have? What choices do you have? Where is there to go? What escape can you find? Is there any? For any of us? For each of us? Is this not, really, all of this, a spiritual crisis--because in what other way can we go anywhere in this? There is no where up, down, out, away--only in, I now believe. I have identified myself (in another conversation) as feeling like the "patient" as a short cut to say this: The feeling, sense or reality that there is nothing I can do. Nowhere I can go. No stand to take. No retreat. No fight to win. In relationship to my child. Do you recognize, Feeling, that while more extreme, and now legally defined, in your own case, that the struggle is the same? I am struggling with making the distinction between no control and powerlessness, and helplessness. To the extent that I feel I am a victim, his victim. Which I am not. To the extent I am a victim, it is of my own making (to some extent--because he is the one who always shows up at my door.) Even (especially) when I have told him to stay away. Or the victim-sense is a recollection from the past. Over a many year period I have struggled with feelings of helplessness and victimization that come up in relationship to my son. Because I see no way out for me. I have no way to help him, without great cost to myself--and to him--because he is 28 years old, and I am his Mom. What good can come of this, really, for him or for me? And nowhere to escape because I love him so much. He recognizes he must help himself, to a greater and greater extent. But it is slow, slow, slow. And he[I] is[/I] growing in insight and self-awareness. But something concrete has to happen (in my mind) in terms of emancipation and independence. Some goal. Something I can see!! (But I realize this is exactly the crux of the matter. And what leads to my desperation, frustration, and existential despair.) He is 28 years old! By his voicing these words,*[I]I know I have to change; I have made it all about me, when it is not; I know now. I am committed to change'; I have had an epiphany[/I] (all tonight) he knows he can get a do over with us. His saying: [I]A new leaf[/I]. He does to some extent try to do better, to change--but at the same time, he manipulates, too. Battles us, undermines us--uses "the powers of the weak." When I try to help him I set myself up to undermined, manipulated, lied to--I set myself up in a master-slave relationship with my son--who is an adult man. I recognize that it is inappropriate and damaging to set conditions for him, for his life. But what am I to do if he wants to be dependent in my space? And the alternative is that he is homeless. I have lost the capacity to let him be homeless. I am so over his being homeless. We have been living this song on the jukebox for years and years now. I have lived with him gone for 4 years plus. Homeless. In other people's spaces. Etc. Many hospitalizations. I am so over this. But cannot move beyond it. I believe he is sincerely trying to change--to a point--that is the problem. But I recognize too, that this kind of change takes time and struggle.[I] I cannot control the struggle.[/I] He does. That is why I feel like I am the patient. I become as symptomatic or more than is he: That is what I mean. All of it. [/QUOTE]
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