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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 703808" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Well, I resonate with this very much. I am questioning whether I sought out and tolerated prisons because this environment was ego-syntonic, what felt right to me. Chaos. Danger. Lack of safety.</p><p></p><p>In this last prison that I quit at the end of September, something happened that was typical. In a group session, when I asked a patient to please stop disrupting the group, or leave. He rose suddenly, advanced at me, yelling. <em>I did not move or back away and quietly faced him and said: Please leave and do not return.</em> He yelled a bit more and then retreated, while yelling, and calling me nasty words.</p><p></p><p>The other inmates were stunned by my conduct. One of them said that there was not one other staff member in the prison who would not have hit their alarm, to call for back up.</p><p></p><p>This was an anger management group. I felt called upon to manage conflict and boundaries. </p><p></p><p>I asked the group, <em>did I look afraid? </em>Because I had not felt afraid. Not a bit. The same inmate said, <em>just a startle response</em>, <em>when he came at you.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>You see, at the time, I thought this was a fine quality, this fearlessness on my part. This was 2 or 3 months ago. Now I feel it was PTSD.</em></p><p>There are choices involved for each of us, Feeling. We can begin to heal. This is a fork in the road that we have reached and found each other at the same place. The same decision point.</p><p></p><p>Today I found a number for a crisis center in my city that works with women who have suffered violence, abuse and victimization of one sort or another. I am going to call them.</p><p>This is a strong choice, here.</p><p>There are different ways to understand this. Your body may be telling the truth. <u>The Truth is in the Body</u>. Is there a book by this name? Years ago I went to a workshop and read a book called <u>The Courage to Heal.</u> It was for sexual abuse survivors. But it could apply more generally, too. You are very courageous. I am too. But our courage we have used to defend against terror. Now we can decide to courageously heal. </p><p></p><p>Your body is telling your truth. Don't you think?</p><p>As I see it for myself my mandate is to construct for the rest of my life the kind of ride I want and need, and to do this consciously and deliberately. Not deal with what comes based upon what has come before.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, I am not sure how to do it. But I am trying to make choices that help me learn. Little by little. I am very frightened, for so many reasons. I am afraid I will have to let go of aspects of my life that are comfortable. I am afraid that if I face my current circumstances I will find that these too, may be choices I continue to make because I have a history of terror, and choosing for others, instead of for myself. </p><p></p><p>I am afraid because I believe there is no turning back now. And sometimes, like right this second, I want to.</p><p></p><p>You were forced onto this road because of the escalation of your son's illness. You were forced to choose. But you had the courage to do so.</p><p>Where we go from here, and what we do, are unclear. Unknown. But we do have the capacity, indeed the mandate to choose.</p><p></p><p>Honestly, I wish it was different for us, Feeling. I wish we could just be, like it seems so many other people live. I wish it was all just not so hard. Maybe it is a fantasy, an illusion, that other people live on the Dumbo ride. I do not know. But this is real. We cannot pretend otherwise, any longer, I do not think.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 703808, member: 18958"] Well, I resonate with this very much. I am questioning whether I sought out and tolerated prisons because this environment was ego-syntonic, what felt right to me. Chaos. Danger. Lack of safety. In this last prison that I quit at the end of September, something happened that was typical. In a group session, when I asked a patient to please stop disrupting the group, or leave. He rose suddenly, advanced at me, yelling. [I]I did not move or back away and quietly faced him and said: Please leave and do not return.[/I] He yelled a bit more and then retreated, while yelling, and calling me nasty words. The other inmates were stunned by my conduct. One of them said that there was not one other staff member in the prison who would not have hit their alarm, to call for back up. This was an anger management group. I felt called upon to manage conflict and boundaries. I asked the group, [I]did I look afraid? [/I]Because I had not felt afraid. Not a bit. The same inmate said, [I]just a startle response[/I], [I]when he came at you. You see, at the time, I thought this was a fine quality, this fearlessness on my part. This was 2 or 3 months ago. Now I feel it was PTSD.[/I] There are choices involved for each of us, Feeling. We can begin to heal. This is a fork in the road that we have reached and found each other at the same place. The same decision point. Today I found a number for a crisis center in my city that works with women who have suffered violence, abuse and victimization of one sort or another. I am going to call them. This is a strong choice, here. There are different ways to understand this. Your body may be telling the truth. [U]The Truth is in the Body[/U]. Is there a book by this name? Years ago I went to a workshop and read a book called [U]The Courage to Heal.[/U] It was for sexual abuse survivors. But it could apply more generally, too. You are very courageous. I am too. But our courage we have used to defend against terror. Now we can decide to courageously heal. Your body is telling your truth. Don't you think? As I see it for myself my mandate is to construct for the rest of my life the kind of ride I want and need, and to do this consciously and deliberately. Not deal with what comes based upon what has come before. Honestly, I am not sure how to do it. But I am trying to make choices that help me learn. Little by little. I am very frightened, for so many reasons. I am afraid I will have to let go of aspects of my life that are comfortable. I am afraid that if I face my current circumstances I will find that these too, may be choices I continue to make because I have a history of terror, and choosing for others, instead of for myself. I am afraid because I believe there is no turning back now. And sometimes, like right this second, I want to. You were forced onto this road because of the escalation of your son's illness. You were forced to choose. But you had the courage to do so. Where we go from here, and what we do, are unclear. Unknown. But we do have the capacity, indeed the mandate to choose. Honestly, I wish it was different for us, Feeling. I wish we could just be, like it seems so many other people live. I wish it was all just not so hard. Maybe it is a fantasy, an illusion, that other people live on the Dumbo ride. I do not know. But this is real. We cannot pretend otherwise, any longer, I do not think. [/QUOTE]
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