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Feeling Sad---Son is Homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 761507" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Merry Christmas to all! I have missed all of you! Hi, Copa and Leafy, my dear sisters!</p><p></p><p>I am so very sorry that I have been away for so long. Remote teaching was very consuming. All tests and worksheets had to be digitized which takes time. </p><p></p><p>It has been 6 1/2 years since I saw my eldest son. It hurts more than before. When the fear of his returning to kill me ebbs, I am left with a soul wrenching ache of a mother's severed bond. Again, his schizophrenia is not his fault. He has anosognosia, or lack of insight. He does not realize that his delusions and voices are not real. He is like a tortured child out there. When I am in my warm bed, I picture his tall frame trying to stretch out and keep warm in his dilapidated car. I ache to see my son.</p><p></p><p>My middle son has been mentally ill for 4 1/2 years. He is not as angry with me, but is getting worse in his strange behavior. He is acting like my eldest son 4 years in. I pray that it is just severe depression or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and not schizophrenia. He has not worked, returned to college, or seen friends in over 4 years. He does not like going outside when there are people outside. He sings silly songs and repeats phrases constantly. He is different from my eldest son because he apologizes to me a lot.</p><p></p><p>This May, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. His tumor doubled in size in just 3 weeks. He had surgery in June. In Oct, we discovered that it had spread to his lymph nodes near his kidneys, behind his duodenum. He had to go to the hospital due to excessive throwing up and back pain from the 2 tumors growing. It takes so long for his insurance to approve testing or procedures. We are now at 2 months out. Tests were performed to start chemo, but his Oncologist discovered that his 2 tumors consist mainly of teratoma, which does not respond to chemo or radiation. They need surgical removal. He finally received approval to go to USC, for the major surgery, a RPLND, because only a few large teaching hospitals can perform it. I pray that it does not spread further.</p><p></p><p>I cannot even explain to you the sheer agony that I feel watching my son go through the fear of having aggressive cancer while struggling with his mental illness. It is unfair that my son has both. I got annoyed the other day because he kept repeating the same phrase for hours....for years. I felt horrible that I got mad. He returned to the room and apologized, but said that he cannot stop saying it because he is so anxious. Then I really felt angry with myself. I don't sleep and feel like I am going crazy with grief.</p><p></p><p>I pray that this New Year brings a renewal of hope to us all and an internal feeling of peace. I know that all of you on this sight deserve this prayer. Take care and stay strong.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 761507, member: 19245"] Merry Christmas to all! I have missed all of you! Hi, Copa and Leafy, my dear sisters! I am so very sorry that I have been away for so long. Remote teaching was very consuming. All tests and worksheets had to be digitized which takes time. It has been 6 1/2 years since I saw my eldest son. It hurts more than before. When the fear of his returning to kill me ebbs, I am left with a soul wrenching ache of a mother's severed bond. Again, his schizophrenia is not his fault. He has anosognosia, or lack of insight. He does not realize that his delusions and voices are not real. He is like a tortured child out there. When I am in my warm bed, I picture his tall frame trying to stretch out and keep warm in his dilapidated car. I ache to see my son. My middle son has been mentally ill for 4 1/2 years. He is not as angry with me, but is getting worse in his strange behavior. He is acting like my eldest son 4 years in. I pray that it is just severe depression or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and not schizophrenia. He has not worked, returned to college, or seen friends in over 4 years. He does not like going outside when there are people outside. He sings silly songs and repeats phrases constantly. He is different from my eldest son because he apologizes to me a lot. This May, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. His tumor doubled in size in just 3 weeks. He had surgery in June. In Oct, we discovered that it had spread to his lymph nodes near his kidneys, behind his duodenum. He had to go to the hospital due to excessive throwing up and back pain from the 2 tumors growing. It takes so long for his insurance to approve testing or procedures. We are now at 2 months out. Tests were performed to start chemo, but his Oncologist discovered that his 2 tumors consist mainly of teratoma, which does not respond to chemo or radiation. They need surgical removal. He finally received approval to go to USC, for the major surgery, a RPLND, because only a few large teaching hospitals can perform it. I pray that it does not spread further. I cannot even explain to you the sheer agony that I feel watching my son go through the fear of having aggressive cancer while struggling with his mental illness. It is unfair that my son has both. I got annoyed the other day because he kept repeating the same phrase for hours....for years. I felt horrible that I got mad. He returned to the room and apologized, but said that he cannot stop saying it because he is so anxious. Then I really felt angry with myself. I don't sleep and feel like I am going crazy with grief. I pray that this New Year brings a renewal of hope to us all and an internal feeling of peace. I know that all of you on this sight deserve this prayer. Take care and stay strong. [/QUOTE]
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