Feeling sad this mother's day.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Havehadenough70, May 10, 2014.

  1. As some of you know, difficult child was arrested in Feb for violating probation the third time. Well, he is still in jail but two weeks ago, his lawyer got him a deal that will have him stay locked up until the 14th of July and then go to rehab for one month and if he finishes the program, they will terminate his probation. This is a very good deal if difficult child doesn't mess it up because he will come out it without a criminal record. So i keep hoping....

    Meanwhile, i have been doing way better emotionally and have been able to focus on me for a change. Slowly by slowly, i am letting go and letting God. I don't stay up at night thinking about what i can do to help difficult child and i find myself thinking about him less often during the day. But i am still doing some enabling like putting some money in his account and accepting his calls, although the reason i decided to do that is for my peace of mind. I decided that helping him here and there and talking to him is my way of letting him know that i have not completely given up on him and i still pray and believe he can change.

    But then, mother's day comes along and seeing people on TV and elsewhere gushing about how great their mothers' are and how their lives were changed because of the great care the mothers gave is getting to me especially since i am a mother of only one(difficult child). However, i refuse to be sucked right back into the guilt pool because i know better.

    So, this mother's day, i just want to wish every mother on the board a happy and restive day tomorrow because we are "GOOD MOTHERS," regardless.
     
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  2. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Havehad,

    I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I bet that is a pretty darn universal feeling on this forum right now. My difficult child called me at 2 AM last night..first I said "you are only supposed to call at this hour if it is an emergency" and he said it was. Then he said he was sorry he hadn't been in touch, but what I had said at our last conversation really pissed him off (not an emergency) then he said he had accidently taken about 15 tylenol 36 hours earlier, and was wondering if he should go to the emergency room (yes). He wanted to know what would happen if he got there, and if he would have to have his stomach pumped (no). I said..given that you have Hep C and have compromised liver function already you need to go. He said "well it is a little early but happy mother's day".
    I hung up.

    I am sure there are a zillion stories out there. Let us all seek peace, kindness, acceptance, and wholeness tomorrow.

    Echolette
     
  3. Echo, I am sorry that you/we have to deal with all the difficult children' shenanigans. We deserve better. Do you really think he took 15 Tylenol or maybe it was his way of trying to connect with you? Either way, it doesn't matter because as a grown up he knows when or how to get to the E.R. if he is in trouble.

    Good day tomorrow and enjoy your PCs.
     
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  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Havehadenough,
    Although you are understandably sad this Mother's Day, you still end your post wishing everyone on this board kind regards. That shows you have an encouraging spirit and a tender heart. Bless you for your good character. Hang in there.
     
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  5. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Havehadenough, read what I just added to my thread "Nightmare for difficult child". It will resonate with you, I'm sure.
    ((Hugs)),
    Tryagain
     
  6. Mother's Day is very bitter sweet this year. difficult child has been ignoring my calls and has basically disconnected all contact. There is a nervous peace that comes with this. No drama, but a hurting heart for sure. On this day, it hurts much more as everyone is celebrating and honoring their mother's. This is the bitter.

    My easy child made me waffles with strawberries, bacon, scrambled eggs and coffee with a very sweet mothers day card telling me what a great mom I am. This is the sweet.

    I hope my difficult child finds a path and that it includes me, someday. For now, I am focusing on the good this mother's day. My own mom, my easy child, lunch with my husband, and my fabulous doggies.

    Happy Mother's Day to the best group of mothers I have ever had the honor of knowing. We are strong as individuals but our collective energy is what makes us great

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  7. LoveSushi

    LoveSushi Member

    Mother's Day has never been my favorite holiday. I don't have a lot of warm fuzzy memories of my own mother, and a complete estrangement from my daughter doesn't help either. Trying to not be a black cloud of despondence on anyone else. *sighs* I did get a sweet text from my son and daughter-in-law. They have a gift for me, but I don't know when we'll be able to get together as they live an hour away and don't drive.
     
  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone, and happy Mother's Day...

    My daughter showed up with flowers. We ordered Thai food and watched Breaking Bad on the Blue Ray.(She got it for us for Christmas and showed us how to set it up).

    My son...Nothing.

    Not a text. Not a phone call. (I would have been fine with just a "happy mother's day"). Nothing.

    I had decided not to call or text him today unless he contacts me. I had texted him late last night requesting that he text us his schedule. We call him when he is working early.

    Should I call him out on this?

    My husband's birthday was last week. I'm thinking, despite my reminder, that he did not send him a happy birthday text. Don't want to ask my husband because this will bring up the hurt and the pain.

    Don't hear from him unless he needs something or we ask him to call us or there is some drama (i.e. see my thread "He was fired today").
     
  9. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Well, I take that back...

    He just called me to wish me happy Mother's day. He had worked in the morning, and had just gotten out of an AA meeting.

    That's a little better. That's all I needed.
     
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad he called you IAD. Good boy.
     
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont particularly like Holidays. Well I dont like the normal ones. I love Halloween. Easter is pretty good too. I seem to like the ones that are all about kids.

    We taught my boys the importance of Mother's and Father's day. We always made sure that we took the boys out to buy the said parent something nice. Not especially expensive but something they would pick out. Oddly, its only my oldest and youngest that seem to have kept this up. Most of the time Cory cant afford much but he at least gets me a card and something small. My supposedly good son texts which pisses me off to no end. He buys his wife something expensive and no matter how many times I have told him that SHE is not his mother it doesnt sink in. He should be taking his kids to buy for their mom not him. He even really ticked me off one year and bought his wife something for my birthday! That was the final straw for me and I have never bought him anything besides a card for his birthday again.

    I really dont expect much. I dont expect Tony to get me anything. I do expect him to let me have a nice day. Yesterday he fixed me breakfast and dinner and left me alone all day. Worked well for me since I am in so much pain these days.
     
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I had a good mother's day. We helped easy child and fiancee move into their house back here in town. It was good. He kept saying, this isn't much of a Mother's day, but you know, I told him I liked it just fine, and I did. I really did.

    I didn't hear from difficult child. He's in jail as you know, but no card or letter came. That's okay. I know he is all about what will happen May 15 when he hears the decision about his probation violation and whether he will go to prison, how much time, where it will be served, or whatever the options are.

    I really don't want to talk to him when he is in this mode, which is flying high trying to figure out how to beat it all. I don't like that kind of conversation. So I'm good yesterday.

    I decided I was going to stay busy, enjoy my easy child son and his fiancee, help out and take a nap. That's what we did, and then went for pizza.

    Progress. Happy Mother's Day, one day later, to all you tough, great women here.
     
  13. Surprisingly, i too had a good mother's day. I went out for lunch/dinner with two friends and it was a happy and relaxing afternoon. difficult child also called. Initially, i was leaning on going to visit him in jail because one of his visiting days is Sunday but then decided not to. So i am proud of myself for resisting the urge. One day at time.
     
  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My youngest called me from the juvie prison. He asked me why I was not coming to visit. This is a 6 hour round trip for a 2 hour visit. I had to laugh. Once again he made it about him. I reminded him it was MOTHER'S day not his day.

    My oldest son sent me a text message. I guess he could not be bothered with a phone call. he has never given me a gift of any kind ever. I am ok with this. I know he is doing ok after his years of being somewhat gfgish.

    Loved spending time with my daughter on Saturday. We always spend Saturdays together. We treated ourselves to a day dedicated to all the things WE love to do.
     
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  15. layne

    layne Member

    My mothers day was hard. When my daughter feels pressured just to spend one entire day with me, it really gets to her. She has to have long talks with herself and her friends/boyfriend (if she has one at the time) to spend the day with me. There is signs of improvement from previous years because at least now she feels guilt for not spending at least mothers day with me, however, she will explode on me first. This past mothers day, a few days ago, we got into an argument and the venom came out of how much she hated me, didn't like me as a person, that I was a piece of sh*t and her life is the way it is because of me. All of these text messages as I am crying alone in a food shopping parking lot. Than I guess she felt bad and softened up. That seems to be a theme with us that we are having lately. We explode and say the most vile things to each other, get it off of our chest and then resume our day. I just don't know how to feel about that because we can't be calling each other vile names, about to kill each other and the next hour we are sitting at Outback laughing happily. There is something seriously wrong with that. It can not be healthy. However, it's a step forward than having our day completely ruined. At least we are trying to put effort into having some sort of mother/daughter relationship. <Shrug, I just don't know how to feel about it>
     
  16. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    When I began to see the abusive patterns in my relationship to my own children (or to my husband), that was the beginning of healing for me, layne. It is good to acknowledge the wrongnesses we are aware of in our relationships, even if we don't know how to change them, just yet.

    When our children go a wrong way, our certainty as parents and even, as people, can waver. We see the wrong things that are happening, and it is very hard to realize that, like COM says: "This still happened. My love could not stop it."

    Things begin to snowball. One day, we realize our relationships to our kids are like, nightmarish.

    And then, we feel badly about that, too.

    Loving a difficult child child is so darn hard. But we do love them, and they drive us to distraction. It must be especially difficult for you, as this is your only child.

    I have taken such strength from the postings of moms of both difficult child and easy child kids. It helps me realize that some kids are just really hard to raise. Since I have had issues with both my kids (different issues, but oh, boy, issues with both kids) that thought was a lifesaver for me.

    If you haven't had a chance Layne, read through Echo's acceptance thread.

    I am happy you saw your daughter.

    I love it, when I see my kids in person. Well, I love it for about five minutes.

    Ew.

    But I am getting stronger; day by day, I am learning how to love them where they are.

    And how to love myself, wherever they are and however bad that gets.

    It's really hard.

    I am glad you found us.

    Cedar
     
  17. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Layne, when I read your note about your daughter and your mother's day, it just reconfirmed what I am learning about time, space and distance with my difficult child.

    It may be that a whole day is just too much. I know we have/had these fluffy dreams of laughing, talking, enjoying, just being together and doing a fun thing or two, sharing a meal.

    But with difficult children and with us, it just doesn't work that way so much of the time.

    It's as it is, not as we wish it would be. Those "Donna Reed, Father Knows Best" ideas were just pie in the sky anyway. Perfect isn't possible. Nobody has what we see TV, read in books, watch in movies. That is our first mistake.

    Accepting real live human beings with all of their/our frailties is one tall order. Especially when there are big boundary issues---like your daughter saying those things to you. I think that is a warning to you. A warning about too much.

    We can take each other in much smaller doses and it can come out much better that way. Before my son went back to jail this time, we were seeing other for 10 minutes a week---sitting in the car on a Friday. It was pleasant. It was peaceful. It was enjoyable. It was short.

    We live and we learn, Layne. Over time, we start doing what works. For us.

    I know you love your daughter and I am equally sure she loves you. I hope you can find what works, for the two of you. It's a process.
     
  18. layne

    layne Member


    Thank you so much. (((hugs))))
     
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