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Feeling so helpless...frustrated and frightened for DS
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 695604" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>When I was being mistreated by that stupid job M told me this: <em>You either change or you leave. You cannot change anybody. Ever. People change themselves or not.</em></p><p></p><p>It frustrated me, his saying this. I did not get it. I believed that the employers had an obligation to me to fulfill their promises, because it was the right thing.</p><p></p><p>Over the past month or so I have been trying to come to grips with what this means to me and for others.</p><p></p><p>There is an inmate patient at work who is forever battling authority based upon legal codes, on what is right. Guess how successful he is? Fish in a barrel comes to mind. When the predictable happens he is left to self-destruct. Because the issue is never about right and wrong *except in his own head. It is about power. Power trumps right and wrong.</p><p></p><p>Another man in the same group said this when I asked him what do you do when the world turns against you and you lose what you love: (I posted this in another thread.)</p><p></p><p><em>I tell myself that I am worthy.</em></p><p><em>I tell myself that there are people who love me.</em></p><p><em>I tell myself G-d loves me.</em></p><p></p><p>I have come to see this is genius. Unlike prisoner number one, prisoner number two is fighting his battle where he can win. I did not do that. Until now.</p><p></p><p>(I know you have no patience with the G-d word.) But I am repeating this to make a point: Because I got an insight in the last day or two I never had--about myself. I have tended to fight battles on terrain I could never win.</p><p></p><p>That is why M is right.The only terrain we can win is in our own mind.</p><p></p><p>That is why it is so difficult for us with our kids. We cannot win with them. Because they always control the terrain. And we cannot easily leave (I would argue that we cannot leave at all, but some will disagree.)</p><p></p><p>Bart is Bart. He will not change (for you.) It can be argued that his best chance is if you set a limit and protect yourself as others have argued. As long as you permit yourself to be his punching bag, he has no incentive to look for an alternative way to deal with himself. Bart is abusing his power in his relationship with you. When I read your post, your response is rooted in love and concern and responsibility. It will always be so. You will always answer Bart's abusive power play with love....you may momentarily become frustrated but the love will always be resurgent.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is. For the love to be the truest, it has to be extended to yourself, too. If it is not it is not a pure thing, because it has been diluted by fear, or guilt or other emotions, maybe even doubt or a lack of confidence in Bart or his potential. Because that is the pit we always fall into when we cannot meet our children's actions with the honesty they deserve.</p><p></p><p>Bart insulted you, he disrespected you, he hurt you. Your love for him is big enough to answer him with the truth. Maybe not today or this week. But sometime. That is what I think.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 695604, member: 18958"] When I was being mistreated by that stupid job M told me this: [I]You either change or you leave. You cannot change anybody. Ever. People change themselves or not.[/I] It frustrated me, his saying this. I did not get it. I believed that the employers had an obligation to me to fulfill their promises, because it was the right thing. Over the past month or so I have been trying to come to grips with what this means to me and for others. There is an inmate patient at work who is forever battling authority based upon legal codes, on what is right. Guess how successful he is? Fish in a barrel comes to mind. When the predictable happens he is left to self-destruct. Because the issue is never about right and wrong *except in his own head. It is about power. Power trumps right and wrong. Another man in the same group said this when I asked him what do you do when the world turns against you and you lose what you love: (I posted this in another thread.) [I]I tell myself that I am worthy. I tell myself that there are people who love me. I tell myself G-d loves me.[/I] I have come to see this is genius. Unlike prisoner number one, prisoner number two is fighting his battle where he can win. I did not do that. Until now. (I know you have no patience with the G-d word.) But I am repeating this to make a point: Because I got an insight in the last day or two I never had--about myself. I have tended to fight battles on terrain I could never win. That is why M is right.The only terrain we can win is in our own mind. That is why it is so difficult for us with our kids. We cannot win with them. Because they always control the terrain. And we cannot easily leave (I would argue that we cannot leave at all, but some will disagree.) Bart is Bart. He will not change (for you.) It can be argued that his best chance is if you set a limit and protect yourself as others have argued. As long as you permit yourself to be his punching bag, he has no incentive to look for an alternative way to deal with himself. Bart is abusing his power in his relationship with you. When I read your post, your response is rooted in love and concern and responsibility. It will always be so. You will always answer Bart's abusive power play with love....you may momentarily become frustrated but the love will always be resurgent. But the thing is. For the love to be the truest, it has to be extended to yourself, too. If it is not it is not a pure thing, because it has been diluted by fear, or guilt or other emotions, maybe even doubt or a lack of confidence in Bart or his potential. Because that is the pit we always fall into when we cannot meet our children's actions with the honesty they deserve. Bart insulted you, he disrespected you, he hurt you. Your love for him is big enough to answer him with the truth. Maybe not today or this week. But sometime. That is what I think. [/QUOTE]
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