Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Feeling so sad today
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620624" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Lil, I'm so so so sorry about the wedding rings.</p><p></p><p>Of course he stole them. I agree with COM. They will steal from you while you are in the next room, then you'll come back and ask where your wallet is and the adult drug addict/criminal (which is what our kids are) help you look for them. Of course you don't find them and neither does he, but he is as puzzled as you. He may even hug and kiss you (all an act) because he feels so badly. Actually, either due to the drug use or because some of our kids border on having a total lack of empathy, they never admit it and never express remorse (which makes sense since they don't admit it).</p><p></p><p>The best thing that worked for me was to learn about radical acceptance, which is basically accepting what is a fact...what is life...whether or not it pleases me. I sat down one day, after my difficult child threatened to come up to Wisconsin to shoot me (I don't know if he meant it at the time, but who says things like that to a parent?). He wasn't kidding. He was calm. I shut my eyes and thought about 36 and all that he was. I pictured him through the years and now and realized that he just plain is not a nice man. He, in fact, feels very little except for his son (I''ll give him that much) and himself. Other than that, he has done some things to us that I can't even stand to post here and I won't. I can't. I spent at least thirty years denying that he was somebody I'd never want to know if he weren't related to me. I admitted he is somebody I could never trust or live with again. The way I was sitting and just thinking, I tried hard to keep the emotion out of it so that my mind didn't start making excuses for why he had turned out this way or to hear his accusations in my head to make me feel sorry for him.</p><p></p><p>Our difficult children are what they are. Call a spade a spade. Call a drug addict a drug addict. Call a violent man a violent man. Call a thief a thief. Call a liar a liar. It actually, in my opiniion, is a relief when you boldly face what your grown child has become and will continue to be unless he has a huge lightbulb moment and goes through intensive therapy in a gallant attempt to do better. Most of them take the easy way out. They are drug addicts, it is easier to use drugs than to quit. They need money to fund their habit. It is easier to steal even beloved heirlooms from us, who would die for them, than to get some ditzy job that they could do even high. They are NOT NICE PEOPLE. Some are close to antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic or borderline. We didn't cause it and we can't change it and we are allowed to cry and be sad FOR OURSELVES...and for what we wished they had become. But then it is best to move on, with this new radical acceptance of who they are, and make OUR lives good, even though theirs is not good.</p><p></p><p>We are not our kids and they are not us and just because they made crappy choices and are in trouble is no reason for us not to seek peace, friendship, fun, spirituality, goodness surrounding us, and cherish every single day. We are allowed to mourn, but some day we need to be happy again. Or our life will be as bad as theirs and that will not help our adult children change, do better in life, or decide to get better for our sakes. They don't care about how we feel (unless it deprives them of our money). They don't care about us, period. It could be because of drug addiction. It could be because they are incapable of attaching to anyone or loving anyone. Whatever the reason, it is their problem far more than our own. And, yes, we suffer heartbreak, BUt don't done't have to let that heartbreak literally break us. If we do, we are making our own decision to waddle in grief, although we have no control over what we are grieving.</p><p></p><p>/when you find out the inevitable, that your son is not going to class, I would not react at all or even tell him you know. Do you really want to hear his lies, his excuses, how it is YOUR fault, blah, blah, blah. I personally try to avoid confrontations when I already know the answer. </p><p></p><p>I don't recall if you decided not to let him live home again, but if I were you I'd work very hard on detachment skills. Narc-Anon, NAMI or a private therapist (or all three...I used two of those resources) can help you walk this difficult path and come out a better, stronger person who embraces her own happiness and serenity. </p><p></p><p>It is a good idea to expect nothing from him. But expect A LOT out of your own life and live it to it's fullest. Even if you have to fake your happiness sometimes right now, try to force yourself to hang around with positive people who appreciate your goodness and do the things you love to do. Start to heal. </p><p></p><p>Wishing you a peaceful, serene night free of dreams or even many thoughts of difficult child. Maybe if he contacts you, you should put him on radio silence for now. You need a break.</p><p></p><p>Gentle hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620624, member: 1550"] Lil, I'm so so so sorry about the wedding rings. Of course he stole them. I agree with COM. They will steal from you while you are in the next room, then you'll come back and ask where your wallet is and the adult drug addict/criminal (which is what our kids are) help you look for them. Of course you don't find them and neither does he, but he is as puzzled as you. He may even hug and kiss you (all an act) because he feels so badly. Actually, either due to the drug use or because some of our kids border on having a total lack of empathy, they never admit it and never express remorse (which makes sense since they don't admit it). The best thing that worked for me was to learn about radical acceptance, which is basically accepting what is a fact...what is life...whether or not it pleases me. I sat down one day, after my difficult child threatened to come up to Wisconsin to shoot me (I don't know if he meant it at the time, but who says things like that to a parent?). He wasn't kidding. He was calm. I shut my eyes and thought about 36 and all that he was. I pictured him through the years and now and realized that he just plain is not a nice man. He, in fact, feels very little except for his son (I''ll give him that much) and himself. Other than that, he has done some things to us that I can't even stand to post here and I won't. I can't. I spent at least thirty years denying that he was somebody I'd never want to know if he weren't related to me. I admitted he is somebody I could never trust or live with again. The way I was sitting and just thinking, I tried hard to keep the emotion out of it so that my mind didn't start making excuses for why he had turned out this way or to hear his accusations in my head to make me feel sorry for him. Our difficult children are what they are. Call a spade a spade. Call a drug addict a drug addict. Call a violent man a violent man. Call a thief a thief. Call a liar a liar. It actually, in my opiniion, is a relief when you boldly face what your grown child has become and will continue to be unless he has a huge lightbulb moment and goes through intensive therapy in a gallant attempt to do better. Most of them take the easy way out. They are drug addicts, it is easier to use drugs than to quit. They need money to fund their habit. It is easier to steal even beloved heirlooms from us, who would die for them, than to get some ditzy job that they could do even high. They are NOT NICE PEOPLE. Some are close to antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic or borderline. We didn't cause it and we can't change it and we are allowed to cry and be sad FOR OURSELVES...and for what we wished they had become. But then it is best to move on, with this new radical acceptance of who they are, and make OUR lives good, even though theirs is not good. We are not our kids and they are not us and just because they made crappy choices and are in trouble is no reason for us not to seek peace, friendship, fun, spirituality, goodness surrounding us, and cherish every single day. We are allowed to mourn, but some day we need to be happy again. Or our life will be as bad as theirs and that will not help our adult children change, do better in life, or decide to get better for our sakes. They don't care about how we feel (unless it deprives them of our money). They don't care about us, period. It could be because of drug addiction. It could be because they are incapable of attaching to anyone or loving anyone. Whatever the reason, it is their problem far more than our own. And, yes, we suffer heartbreak, BUt don't done't have to let that heartbreak literally break us. If we do, we are making our own decision to waddle in grief, although we have no control over what we are grieving. /when you find out the inevitable, that your son is not going to class, I would not react at all or even tell him you know. Do you really want to hear his lies, his excuses, how it is YOUR fault, blah, blah, blah. I personally try to avoid confrontations when I already know the answer. I don't recall if you decided not to let him live home again, but if I were you I'd work very hard on detachment skills. Narc-Anon, NAMI or a private therapist (or all three...I used two of those resources) can help you walk this difficult path and come out a better, stronger person who embraces her own happiness and serenity. It is a good idea to expect nothing from him. But expect A LOT out of your own life and live it to it's fullest. Even if you have to fake your happiness sometimes right now, try to force yourself to hang around with positive people who appreciate your goodness and do the things you love to do. Start to heal. Wishing you a peaceful, serene night free of dreams or even many thoughts of difficult child. Maybe if he contacts you, you should put him on radio silence for now. You need a break. Gentle hugs. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Substance Abuse
Feeling so sad today
Top