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Feeling strong-armed by your loved one?
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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 408581" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>Hound dog - you are so right. And Bean - it is really hard. We struggle with it a lot too but are getting much better at it I think.</p><p></p><p>I too would have left her on the porch. She would have left if you had done nothing, if only to go back to the place down the street where she got high even though she knew she had no way home.</p><p></p><p>If she's willing to spit - I think she's willing to hit. Spitting is such an assaultive gesture in the US - I would not be willing to bet otherwise.</p><p></p><p>And what if she's not alone? What if her addict friends are with her? That would be my biggest nightmare.</p><p></p><p>My advice FWIW - Your parents should NOT open the door to her. They should change their phone numbers and never give them to her. If she wants to contact them there's always the good old US Mail.</p><p></p><p>If she comes to the door and will not leave they should call the police for help.</p><p></p><p>If she shows up at someone's work she needs to be escorted off the premises without, preferably, having had any contact with the person she's come to see. I realize this isn't always possible but if it is - that's what I would do. If she won't leave then the police should be called.</p><p></p><p>If she won't stop then a restraining order may be necessary.</p><p></p><p>It is such a bitter pill to swallow but you are not doing her (or yourselves) any favor by prolonging the process of separation. And that's what she's trying to do. She's trying to avoid growing up by forcing you into the dependency game. You have to choose not to play the game, no matter how painful it is.</p><p></p><p>We escorted our 18 year old difficult child 1 off the premises the day after he turned 18 because he would not follow the household rules he had agreed to follow in writing the day before. They were simple rules - no aggression/violence, no drugs, no alcohol, no overtly sexual behavior towards us (you don't want to know), no threats of violence and no suicide attempts. He had "attempted" suicide 5 times the week before he turned 18, one of which appeared to be a serious attempt but the rest were simply to get our attention.</p><p></p><p>Because he is severely disabled and requires assistance with nearly all tasks of daily living, we took him to a motel that he could afford with his SSI, checked him in, put his stuff in the room - and then we left. He uses a power wheelchair and had mobility. We did not go back but he came back over and over. Our home was fenced all around and we locked the pedestrian gate that was accessible to him. He stood outside the gate screaming at us for long periods of time. When he finally stopped and hadn't come around for a few days, we unlocked the pedestrian gate. He showed up, let himself in and threatened me with a knife if I didn't give him money. This was in front of his 5 year old twin sibs.</p><p></p><p>That was 9 years ago. We don't see him often now but we do have a better relationship than we ever thought was possible in those dark days. We even bought his grave site and did a funeral plan because we did not expect him to live to 19.</p><p></p><p>He is still addicted and mentally ill but his symptoms and use waxes and wanes so we do sometimes have visits that are OK.</p><p></p><p>It is incredibly hard. Your child knows you well and will do her best to make it as hard as possible. You must be quiet, matter of fact to the point of apparent indifference. But above all you must not give in. I pretend I am a brick wall. Sometimes it helps.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p></p><p>Patricia</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 408581, member: 7948"] Hound dog - you are so right. And Bean - it is really hard. We struggle with it a lot too but are getting much better at it I think. I too would have left her on the porch. She would have left if you had done nothing, if only to go back to the place down the street where she got high even though she knew she had no way home. If she's willing to spit - I think she's willing to hit. Spitting is such an assaultive gesture in the US - I would not be willing to bet otherwise. And what if she's not alone? What if her addict friends are with her? That would be my biggest nightmare. My advice FWIW - Your parents should NOT open the door to her. They should change their phone numbers and never give them to her. If she wants to contact them there's always the good old US Mail. If she comes to the door and will not leave they should call the police for help. If she shows up at someone's work she needs to be escorted off the premises without, preferably, having had any contact with the person she's come to see. I realize this isn't always possible but if it is - that's what I would do. If she won't leave then the police should be called. If she won't stop then a restraining order may be necessary. It is such a bitter pill to swallow but you are not doing her (or yourselves) any favor by prolonging the process of separation. And that's what she's trying to do. She's trying to avoid growing up by forcing you into the dependency game. You have to choose not to play the game, no matter how painful it is. We escorted our 18 year old difficult child 1 off the premises the day after he turned 18 because he would not follow the household rules he had agreed to follow in writing the day before. They were simple rules - no aggression/violence, no drugs, no alcohol, no overtly sexual behavior towards us (you don't want to know), no threats of violence and no suicide attempts. He had "attempted" suicide 5 times the week before he turned 18, one of which appeared to be a serious attempt but the rest were simply to get our attention. Because he is severely disabled and requires assistance with nearly all tasks of daily living, we took him to a motel that he could afford with his SSI, checked him in, put his stuff in the room - and then we left. He uses a power wheelchair and had mobility. We did not go back but he came back over and over. Our home was fenced all around and we locked the pedestrian gate that was accessible to him. He stood outside the gate screaming at us for long periods of time. When he finally stopped and hadn't come around for a few days, we unlocked the pedestrian gate. He showed up, let himself in and threatened me with a knife if I didn't give him money. This was in front of his 5 year old twin sibs. That was 9 years ago. We don't see him often now but we do have a better relationship than we ever thought was possible in those dark days. We even bought his grave site and did a funeral plan because we did not expect him to live to 19. He is still addicted and mentally ill but his symptoms and use waxes and wanes so we do sometimes have visits that are OK. It is incredibly hard. Your child knows you well and will do her best to make it as hard as possible. You must be quiet, matter of fact to the point of apparent indifference. But above all you must not give in. I pretend I am a brick wall. Sometimes it helps. Hugs, Patricia [/QUOTE]
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