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Feeling strong-armed by your loved one?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 408796" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Bean, </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The last thing I ever wanted to do in my life was call the law on my son, or turn him in for a crime. Then you have to ask yourself. WHAT favors are you doing for your children by NOT? Your daughter SPIT in your Mothers face and then got a ride home? Do you know how ludicrous that sounds? I don't care if my son had a mental disorder or not. If my son spat on my Mother? He had better stay away from my home and my Mother ohhhhhh I don't even think there is an apology for that, but to then have the audacity to come near me and beg for a ride? Wow - how much control does this little girl have over your husband and you? And you FEAR her? Yeah, you do. She is totally controlling you, like my ex did me. And it's so sad. Because she will continue to bully, and berate and take and control your lives until you get yourself some help. </p><p> </p><p>I guess when I was in therapy for abuse my therapist asked me about Dude, because he was modeling his own Fathers behaviors even though he saw VERY little of it and the therapist asked me point blank.."IF this was NOT your son that came at you with scissors, or swung a baseball bat at you, or swung at you with a fist, or tried to hit you, or threw things at you, or slammed a door in your face, or threw things at you or did not listen or screamed at you or cursed at you? If it was a total stranger on the street that treated you like this in your own home? HOW would you react?" </p><p>So I sat there and thought about it and thought? I'd probably kill him. I mean - I had had it with my ex - and I was in therapy for 15 years over his abuse and torture and here I was going through it again? No maam. So from then on - when I was being abused by my son - I was to look at it like a total stranger - it took the "mental illness" aspect out of it - mental or not? It was abuse and I wasn't to stand for it. Mental or not - he was abusing me and he wasn't to get away with it. Someone had to teach him this behavior was not going to be tolerated - I was his Mother - so I guess that was ME....if not ME then WHO? Ask yourself that. </p><p> </p><p>See most people think that they have to call the police first thing on people like your daughter. Not necessarily so. I mean it sounds so final, but in reality - you call the cops and then she goes to jail and then you sit in fear of reprisal for how long - and the anxiety that comes with isn't worth it is it? Not really, because you just keep waiting for her to do something - and just that fear is not worth it. So what you need to do - is learn how to beat her at her own game. Level the playing field. Stop allowing her to control your life. Sounds good huh? Not so easy. </p><p> </p><p>There is a cycle of abuse, and it doesn't matter whether it's husband/wife, brother/sister, mother/daughter - boss/worker - abuse is abuse and there is a cycle of it and recognizing the cycle is part of stopping it. At this point, you should be able to call the police but you are too scared. That's natural. Other things that you CAN do - change your phone numbers. Tell your Mom and Dad to do the same. If she gets them somehow? Pay to have them changed again. There needs to be NO explanation to her why. It is what it is. She's your daughter? Well okay - when she starts behaving like it? She can have the number. That will stop the calls, and the COME GET ME demands. If she shows up at your door? You don't take her. Call her a cab. Walk out - give the cabbie $20....tell him to take her to her house - or burger king and keep the change. Tell her this is the LAST time she shows up at your house, unannounced. You won't pay for her to be given a ride any more. Period. next time it will be trespassing without an invite. The police will be called, don't call your bluff, and go back inside - again state - when you behave like our daughter - you will be treated like our daughter. </p><p> </p><p>These are very basic things - you can do to get order and control back in your lives. If she shows up at anyones work? have the place of business put a restraining order against her. THE BUSINESS not your mom, not you, not dad - THE BUSINESS. She's causing problems at the place of business. If your Mom won't ask for it - you call your Moms boss and ask for it. Explain the situation. Then explain it in writing to your daughter. Very basically - no emotion - You are not allowed at XX place of business, you've caused problems in the past, if you show up again - you will be arrested, there is a restraining order do not attempt to show up the police will be called. </p><p> </p><p>As far as your parents? I would tell them IF she shows up there? To not answer the door.....PERIOD. If she got beligerent? Then call the police. She has no reason to be there anymore. Period. </p><p> </p><p>I think it's time that your family turned their backs to her and let her know when she starts acting like a family member - she will be treated as such and until then? This is the treatment you have for her. In the mean time? I would get into counseling to learn how to deal with an abusing person and get your confidence back - these types of people rarely change. But if there IS ANY HOPE for her? YOU are going to have to be the people that help her, and the ONLY way this is accomplished is by doing things like I am telling you - Otherwise she will continue to do what she is doing and it will escalate to people outside your family and the sad thing is ----evenutally outside your family someone isnt' going to give her a ride home ----------they're going to get tired of her abuse and give it back. </p><p> </p><p>So it's something to consider......if she has a chance and hope in changing - It's going to be up to you and your parents and as bad as it hurts? You're going to have to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye until she either changes - or you do. But the abuse can't continue. It's setting a horrible example for your other kids - and believe me - you don't want any of the other kids in your house to think that THIS is how a boyfriend or a girlfriend can treat them in a relationship on down the road. And don't think they won't - they see that you keep forgiving HER - over and over. They won't be able to discern that THIS is okay and if its done to them later it's NOT. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs and Love </p><p>Star</p><p> </p><p>B</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 408796, member: 4964"] Bean, The last thing I ever wanted to do in my life was call the law on my son, or turn him in for a crime. Then you have to ask yourself. WHAT favors are you doing for your children by NOT? Your daughter SPIT in your Mothers face and then got a ride home? Do you know how ludicrous that sounds? I don't care if my son had a mental disorder or not. If my son spat on my Mother? He had better stay away from my home and my Mother ohhhhhh I don't even think there is an apology for that, but to then have the audacity to come near me and beg for a ride? Wow - how much control does this little girl have over your husband and you? And you FEAR her? Yeah, you do. She is totally controlling you, like my ex did me. And it's so sad. Because she will continue to bully, and berate and take and control your lives until you get yourself some help. I guess when I was in therapy for abuse my therapist asked me about Dude, because he was modeling his own Fathers behaviors even though he saw VERY little of it and the therapist asked me point blank.."IF this was NOT your son that came at you with scissors, or swung a baseball bat at you, or swung at you with a fist, or tried to hit you, or threw things at you, or slammed a door in your face, or threw things at you or did not listen or screamed at you or cursed at you? If it was a total stranger on the street that treated you like this in your own home? HOW would you react?" So I sat there and thought about it and thought? I'd probably kill him. I mean - I had had it with my ex - and I was in therapy for 15 years over his abuse and torture and here I was going through it again? No maam. So from then on - when I was being abused by my son - I was to look at it like a total stranger - it took the "mental illness" aspect out of it - mental or not? It was abuse and I wasn't to stand for it. Mental or not - he was abusing me and he wasn't to get away with it. Someone had to teach him this behavior was not going to be tolerated - I was his Mother - so I guess that was ME....if not ME then WHO? Ask yourself that. See most people think that they have to call the police first thing on people like your daughter. Not necessarily so. I mean it sounds so final, but in reality - you call the cops and then she goes to jail and then you sit in fear of reprisal for how long - and the anxiety that comes with isn't worth it is it? Not really, because you just keep waiting for her to do something - and just that fear is not worth it. So what you need to do - is learn how to beat her at her own game. Level the playing field. Stop allowing her to control your life. Sounds good huh? Not so easy. There is a cycle of abuse, and it doesn't matter whether it's husband/wife, brother/sister, mother/daughter - boss/worker - abuse is abuse and there is a cycle of it and recognizing the cycle is part of stopping it. At this point, you should be able to call the police but you are too scared. That's natural. Other things that you CAN do - change your phone numbers. Tell your Mom and Dad to do the same. If she gets them somehow? Pay to have them changed again. There needs to be NO explanation to her why. It is what it is. She's your daughter? Well okay - when she starts behaving like it? She can have the number. That will stop the calls, and the COME GET ME demands. If she shows up at your door? You don't take her. Call her a cab. Walk out - give the cabbie $20....tell him to take her to her house - or burger king and keep the change. Tell her this is the LAST time she shows up at your house, unannounced. You won't pay for her to be given a ride any more. Period. next time it will be trespassing without an invite. The police will be called, don't call your bluff, and go back inside - again state - when you behave like our daughter - you will be treated like our daughter. These are very basic things - you can do to get order and control back in your lives. If she shows up at anyones work? have the place of business put a restraining order against her. THE BUSINESS not your mom, not you, not dad - THE BUSINESS. She's causing problems at the place of business. If your Mom won't ask for it - you call your Moms boss and ask for it. Explain the situation. Then explain it in writing to your daughter. Very basically - no emotion - You are not allowed at XX place of business, you've caused problems in the past, if you show up again - you will be arrested, there is a restraining order do not attempt to show up the police will be called. As far as your parents? I would tell them IF she shows up there? To not answer the door.....PERIOD. If she got beligerent? Then call the police. She has no reason to be there anymore. Period. I think it's time that your family turned their backs to her and let her know when she starts acting like a family member - she will be treated as such and until then? This is the treatment you have for her. In the mean time? I would get into counseling to learn how to deal with an abusing person and get your confidence back - these types of people rarely change. But if there IS ANY HOPE for her? YOU are going to have to be the people that help her, and the ONLY way this is accomplished is by doing things like I am telling you - Otherwise she will continue to do what she is doing and it will escalate to people outside your family and the sad thing is ----evenutally outside your family someone isnt' going to give her a ride home ----------they're going to get tired of her abuse and give it back. So it's something to consider......if she has a chance and hope in changing - It's going to be up to you and your parents and as bad as it hurts? You're going to have to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye until she either changes - or you do. But the abuse can't continue. It's setting a horrible example for your other kids - and believe me - you don't want any of the other kids in your house to think that THIS is how a boyfriend or a girlfriend can treat them in a relationship on down the road. And don't think they won't - they see that you keep forgiving HER - over and over. They won't be able to discern that THIS is okay and if its done to them later it's NOT. Hugs and Love Star B [/QUOTE]
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