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Feeling strong-armed by your loved one?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 408941" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>My son was very violent. He is NOT a sociopath, though we did wonder for a while. He has a developmental issue and learned some not great ways of handling the world. Some husband and my fault, some not. There are a LOT of reasons for behavior like mrsammler's nephew. His sister has a LOT of options - she lacks the spine and personal strength and support to choose them. His time with her might have been FAR more productive if he had used some of the force that he showed to drag her off to the local domestic violence center for some help and to force her to spend her $$ on therapy and her time on alanon and/or narc anon meetings to help her learn to deal with her codependency.</p><p> </p><p>No way is having a relative come in and force the person to behave going to be enough. WE have to do the HARD WORK to change our ways. his sister first depended on her spouse to control him and then on her brother. I give mrsammler great credit for being willing to sacrifice his life for so long to go and protect his sister and nephew. I just wish he had done more to enable her to learn to stand up for herself. SHe has the POWER because SHE has the CASH and in this world - that is HUGE POWER. SHe is paying for his drugs, his life, etc... Yeah, he has threatened to come home if she stops - but she could take that money and hire a bodyguard for a few months as she goes through therapy and beefs up her security system. Heck, she could pay some local thugs to go give him a thrashing and tell him if he ever dares to speak to her again they will come back and do it again. There would be some dicey times as he tested her, but if she took the $$ she is using to subsidize his addictions and used it for that it would at least gain freedom and safety for her other child.</p><p> </p><p>Having someone come in and impose those limits is great for as long as that person can do it. Most people cannot commit to doing that for long periods of time for a family member. It is why pushing counseling onto her would have made mrsammler's sacrifice far more beneficial. so would calling child protection in if she could not protect her younger child from her older one.</p><p> </p><p>We were investigated by CPS because our older child abused our younger one. They didn't offer any services because they coudln't do more than we were doing. The sw who came wanted to take Jess and thank you away but she was so new and so stupid and made so many terrible mistakes (like convincing Jessie that it was her fault her bro kept trying to kill her - done in front of the principal of the elem school) that she lost her job shortly after. The head of the dept knew us because his child was on a team with thank you and he flat out said that they couldn't do as well for our kids as we were doing - to a judge. But in many cases CPS can push a parent into protecting a easy child from a difficult child. </p><p> </p><p>I was a real shock to our DV center. I was the first person to ask for help because my child was abusing me. He was battering me and I had to take drastic measures to make him stop. I wasa afraid of him, for him, and for the rest of the family. I went for help after he was out of the house and they didn't quite know what to do, but they worked with me and we muddled through. Since then they have had some other parents in for the same thing.</p><p> </p><p>I think we, as a society, need to amke this a much more widely recognized and treated problem. Our kids do learn from other family members that it is okay to bully and abuse us. It is what BEan's daughter has learned. </p><p> </p><p>Bean, do you think you could go to the DV center and ask for help? They don't charge at most of them. It would be aw ay to learn how to not give in to her. Alanon is also crucial for the entire family - kids need alateen and you and husband need alanon meetings together AND separately. If no one else will go, go anyway. They may not know what to do at first to help you at the dv center, but they can figure it out!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 408941, member: 1233"] My son was very violent. He is NOT a sociopath, though we did wonder for a while. He has a developmental issue and learned some not great ways of handling the world. Some husband and my fault, some not. There are a LOT of reasons for behavior like mrsammler's nephew. His sister has a LOT of options - she lacks the spine and personal strength and support to choose them. His time with her might have been FAR more productive if he had used some of the force that he showed to drag her off to the local domestic violence center for some help and to force her to spend her $$ on therapy and her time on alanon and/or narc anon meetings to help her learn to deal with her codependency. No way is having a relative come in and force the person to behave going to be enough. WE have to do the HARD WORK to change our ways. his sister first depended on her spouse to control him and then on her brother. I give mrsammler great credit for being willing to sacrifice his life for so long to go and protect his sister and nephew. I just wish he had done more to enable her to learn to stand up for herself. SHe has the POWER because SHE has the CASH and in this world - that is HUGE POWER. SHe is paying for his drugs, his life, etc... Yeah, he has threatened to come home if she stops - but she could take that money and hire a bodyguard for a few months as she goes through therapy and beefs up her security system. Heck, she could pay some local thugs to go give him a thrashing and tell him if he ever dares to speak to her again they will come back and do it again. There would be some dicey times as he tested her, but if she took the $$ she is using to subsidize his addictions and used it for that it would at least gain freedom and safety for her other child. Having someone come in and impose those limits is great for as long as that person can do it. Most people cannot commit to doing that for long periods of time for a family member. It is why pushing counseling onto her would have made mrsammler's sacrifice far more beneficial. so would calling child protection in if she could not protect her younger child from her older one. We were investigated by CPS because our older child abused our younger one. They didn't offer any services because they coudln't do more than we were doing. The sw who came wanted to take Jess and thank you away but she was so new and so stupid and made so many terrible mistakes (like convincing Jessie that it was her fault her bro kept trying to kill her - done in front of the principal of the elem school) that she lost her job shortly after. The head of the dept knew us because his child was on a team with thank you and he flat out said that they couldn't do as well for our kids as we were doing - to a judge. But in many cases CPS can push a parent into protecting a easy child from a difficult child. I was a real shock to our DV center. I was the first person to ask for help because my child was abusing me. He was battering me and I had to take drastic measures to make him stop. I wasa afraid of him, for him, and for the rest of the family. I went for help after he was out of the house and they didn't quite know what to do, but they worked with me and we muddled through. Since then they have had some other parents in for the same thing. I think we, as a society, need to amke this a much more widely recognized and treated problem. Our kids do learn from other family members that it is okay to bully and abuse us. It is what BEan's daughter has learned. Bean, do you think you could go to the DV center and ask for help? They don't charge at most of them. It would be aw ay to learn how to not give in to her. Alanon is also crucial for the entire family - kids need alateen and you and husband need alanon meetings together AND separately. If no one else will go, go anyway. They may not know what to do at first to help you at the dv center, but they can figure it out!! [/QUOTE]
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