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Fell off the wagon big time
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 558935" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hi Payla, it's a good idea to stop beating yourself up about this. Detachment is a process, up,down, sideways and every other possible way. We go forward, we go backward and each step is very hard, of course you would be torn and feel all the feelings you are feeling, most of us do........perhaps the most important step most of us recognize is we need support to do this, it's very hard to do alone without someone or a group of someones helping you each step of the way. Detaching from our kids in this way goes against too much of our parenting instincts to be able to do this effectively without some kind of support. However, if you keep enabling him, he will stay stuck. Until he has to face the natural consequences of his behavior, he will continue depending upon you for his needs to be met. You've done a good job thus far, so concentrate on the positive steps you've taken which are wonderful. It takes a lot of courage to do what you've done already. </p><p></p><p>He may be homeless, that's true, but it also may be his opportunity to WAKE UP and do something for himself. In enabling him you actually rob him of the possibility of finding his own way. I learned in my codependency group that although it feels as if we are helping them for them, in reality we are helping them to avoid the bad feelings <u>we</u> have when we don't help them and all the worry <u>we</u> go through about them. That's a hard pill to swallow I know. I would encourage you to find a lot of support for yourself to get through this, find a therapist, a counselor, a spiritual adviser, a support group, a 12 step group, someplace you can go for YOU. Focus on you now, that's the way to get through this, take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. I know it's hard. Sending you warm wishes for peace and comfort as you travel these challenging paths.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 558935, member: 13542"] Hi Payla, it's a good idea to stop beating yourself up about this. Detachment is a process, up,down, sideways and every other possible way. We go forward, we go backward and each step is very hard, of course you would be torn and feel all the feelings you are feeling, most of us do........perhaps the most important step most of us recognize is we need support to do this, it's very hard to do alone without someone or a group of someones helping you each step of the way. Detaching from our kids in this way goes against too much of our parenting instincts to be able to do this effectively without some kind of support. However, if you keep enabling him, he will stay stuck. Until he has to face the natural consequences of his behavior, he will continue depending upon you for his needs to be met. You've done a good job thus far, so concentrate on the positive steps you've taken which are wonderful. It takes a lot of courage to do what you've done already. He may be homeless, that's true, but it also may be his opportunity to WAKE UP and do something for himself. In enabling him you actually rob him of the possibility of finding his own way. I learned in my codependency group that although it feels as if we are helping them for them, in reality we are helping them to avoid the bad feelings [U]we[/U] have when we don't help them and all the worry [U]we[/U] go through about them. That's a hard pill to swallow I know. I would encourage you to find a lot of support for yourself to get through this, find a therapist, a counselor, a spiritual adviser, a support group, a 12 step group, someplace you can go for YOU. Focus on you now, that's the way to get through this, take the focus off of him and put it on yourself. I know it's hard. Sending you warm wishes for peace and comfort as you travel these challenging paths. [/QUOTE]
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