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Fell off the Warrior Mom Wagon. I need help!!!
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<blockquote data-quote="dashcat" data-source="post: 533385" data-attributes="member: 9175"><p>Thank you, all, for taking the time to post your thoughts, suggestions, support and opinions. I read some yesterday, but didn't have time to respond. I did, however, have time to think and I've been able to take some of what many of you have written and apply it to my situation. Most of all, this is a place where I can come to with a question and I know the responses I'm getting are mostly from the perspective of understanding a difficult child. That is huge.</p><p></p><p>I responded way back on the thread that I thought a curfew was the only answer. But, when she came home, I decided it might serve me well to ask and listen in the beginning and talk later (this came from a post on my chore thread, thank you!!!).</p><p></p><p>She said that the party scene is not an every night thing with her but when she is out, the party doesn't even get started until around 11:00 or 12:00. She pointed out that she is being responsbile about not drinking and driving (Mr. Ostrich is a volunteer firefighter, so she's heard all the ugly stories). </p><p></p><p>Yes, I could draw the line and say that she's underage and should not be drinking at all ..but I know that's unrealistic. I hope and pray she does not carry drinking to excess, but I have zero control over that. She is not drinking in my home and, with the exception of that one time, does not return home drunk. </p><p></p><p>There was a high school senior from the community who was killed on the day of his prom several years ago. He'd been at a friend's the night before and called his mom to say he was staying the night. She knew he'd probably been drinking but said (thinking this was safe) "just make sure you're home early because there's so much to do.." He did spend the night, and left early in the morning. Unfortunately, he was still impaired. He hit a tree and was killed. I did photos of this woman several years ago for an award she was receiving. Her story made both my difficult child and I cry. She now crusades for SADD and she lamented to me that she so wished she had just said "ok", thinking he would have waited until afternoon. I think about her all the time.</p><p></p><p>difficult child proposed a compromise: Give me 2 nights a week where it is ok for me to either spend the night if I am partying. The other nights I'll either be home, or go out for coffee, movies, whatever but be home at a decent hour. She defined a week as Sunday to Saturday and pointed out that she usually is home by 10:00 most nights when she's not working.</p><p></p><p>I agreed to try it. </p><p></p><p>Daisy, she knows that I am very concerned about her sexual behavior. We don't talk about the specifics anymore (as in I don't ask if she's having sex with Tom, Dick or Harriet and she doesn't offer). We did discuss the specifics when she becam sexually active and also when she had her internet dude flings. She knows how I feel and I know I can't stop her. </p><p></p><p>And Susie and Janet ...you're both right, actually. Yes, she can have sex any time of the day (her first encounter was in the afternoon at Mr. Ostrich's condo when he was at work), but the opportunity for all sorts of bad behavior, including excesses in drug/alcohol use and sexual behavior related to drugs and alcohol, increases as the night goes on. I agree that a curfew is necessary in many cases. it might prove to be in mine, but I'm giving her this chance to propose a compromise and stick to it. Janet and Up, I respect your decision to allow overnights but it is just not for me. Maybe some day far down the road, but right now.</p><p></p><p>I think it was Susie who posted about a concern about difficult child sneaking people into the house when I'm sleeping. This is not likely. I wake up when her car pulls in the driveway and she knows it. I don't think even she would take that risk. As to her having J here when I'm sleeping ... again, maybe someday ...but this kid has only been in the picture a few weeks. I am very careful about living alone and who I will allow here and when. When difficult child had her most recent internet fling, they were in a hotel just over a mile from here. I took her house key (this all happened very fast, so I knew she hadn't had one made) and I haven't given it back. We have a two bay garage and she uses the opener to get in and out. If there' any sign of strangers being here, she's out (that is a definate deal breaker) and I'll reprogram it.</p><p></p><p>Guilia, yes, she is unstable. But, like many difficult child's, she appears fine and is very, very, very skilled at masking her instability. I can no more force her to see a psychiatrist or a therapist than I can will the sun to rise in the west. She flat out refuses to be assessed and, if I drag her there, I will appear to be the crazy one. Sad, but true.</p><p></p><p>Star, I must remind myself regularly that I can only control what happens under this roof. Part of the thinking behind the two night compromise is to give her that two night window of freedom, with the five day reality of "you still live with your mom". </p><p></p><p>If I didn't address you directly, please know I read and appreciated every word. Having her back after such a long period - and a period of such change for both of us - continues to be a big challenge. I'm learning the ropes and am so glad I have all of you to help me cope.</p><p></p><p>Dash</p><p></p><p>edited to add: Midwest, we were posting at the same time. Thanks for being in my corner. One of the reasons I stated I wasn't ready for the boyfriend overnights here is that I fear it WOULD turn into a different person ...not ever night...but with great frequency. And, as I stated in this post, it may open the door to internet strangers. Just too scary.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dashcat, post: 533385, member: 9175"] Thank you, all, for taking the time to post your thoughts, suggestions, support and opinions. I read some yesterday, but didn't have time to respond. I did, however, have time to think and I've been able to take some of what many of you have written and apply it to my situation. Most of all, this is a place where I can come to with a question and I know the responses I'm getting are mostly from the perspective of understanding a difficult child. That is huge. I responded way back on the thread that I thought a curfew was the only answer. But, when she came home, I decided it might serve me well to ask and listen in the beginning and talk later (this came from a post on my chore thread, thank you!!!). She said that the party scene is not an every night thing with her but when she is out, the party doesn't even get started until around 11:00 or 12:00. She pointed out that she is being responsbile about not drinking and driving (Mr. Ostrich is a volunteer firefighter, so she's heard all the ugly stories). Yes, I could draw the line and say that she's underage and should not be drinking at all ..but I know that's unrealistic. I hope and pray she does not carry drinking to excess, but I have zero control over that. She is not drinking in my home and, with the exception of that one time, does not return home drunk. There was a high school senior from the community who was killed on the day of his prom several years ago. He'd been at a friend's the night before and called his mom to say he was staying the night. She knew he'd probably been drinking but said (thinking this was safe) "just make sure you're home early because there's so much to do.." He did spend the night, and left early in the morning. Unfortunately, he was still impaired. He hit a tree and was killed. I did photos of this woman several years ago for an award she was receiving. Her story made both my difficult child and I cry. She now crusades for SADD and she lamented to me that she so wished she had just said "ok", thinking he would have waited until afternoon. I think about her all the time. difficult child proposed a compromise: Give me 2 nights a week where it is ok for me to either spend the night if I am partying. The other nights I'll either be home, or go out for coffee, movies, whatever but be home at a decent hour. She defined a week as Sunday to Saturday and pointed out that she usually is home by 10:00 most nights when she's not working. I agreed to try it. Daisy, she knows that I am very concerned about her sexual behavior. We don't talk about the specifics anymore (as in I don't ask if she's having sex with Tom, Dick or Harriet and she doesn't offer). We did discuss the specifics when she becam sexually active and also when she had her internet dude flings. She knows how I feel and I know I can't stop her. And Susie and Janet ...you're both right, actually. Yes, she can have sex any time of the day (her first encounter was in the afternoon at Mr. Ostrich's condo when he was at work), but the opportunity for all sorts of bad behavior, including excesses in drug/alcohol use and sexual behavior related to drugs and alcohol, increases as the night goes on. I agree that a curfew is necessary in many cases. it might prove to be in mine, but I'm giving her this chance to propose a compromise and stick to it. Janet and Up, I respect your decision to allow overnights but it is just not for me. Maybe some day far down the road, but right now. I think it was Susie who posted about a concern about difficult child sneaking people into the house when I'm sleeping. This is not likely. I wake up when her car pulls in the driveway and she knows it. I don't think even she would take that risk. As to her having J here when I'm sleeping ... again, maybe someday ...but this kid has only been in the picture a few weeks. I am very careful about living alone and who I will allow here and when. When difficult child had her most recent internet fling, they were in a hotel just over a mile from here. I took her house key (this all happened very fast, so I knew she hadn't had one made) and I haven't given it back. We have a two bay garage and she uses the opener to get in and out. If there' any sign of strangers being here, she's out (that is a definate deal breaker) and I'll reprogram it. Guilia, yes, she is unstable. But, like many difficult child's, she appears fine and is very, very, very skilled at masking her instability. I can no more force her to see a psychiatrist or a therapist than I can will the sun to rise in the west. She flat out refuses to be assessed and, if I drag her there, I will appear to be the crazy one. Sad, but true. Star, I must remind myself regularly that I can only control what happens under this roof. Part of the thinking behind the two night compromise is to give her that two night window of freedom, with the five day reality of "you still live with your mom". If I didn't address you directly, please know I read and appreciated every word. Having her back after such a long period - and a period of such change for both of us - continues to be a big challenge. I'm learning the ropes and am so glad I have all of you to help me cope. Dash edited to add: Midwest, we were posting at the same time. Thanks for being in my corner. One of the reasons I stated I wasn't ready for the boyfriend overnights here is that I fear it WOULD turn into a different person ...not ever night...but with great frequency. And, as I stated in this post, it may open the door to internet strangers. Just too scary. [/QUOTE]
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