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Finally broke and called an ambulance last night
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 411650" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>HML, </p><p> </p><p>Hi ya! I am really sorry this turned into such a power struggle. Wow. I guess maybe I'm not going to be the popular vocie here - anyway here's my thoughts take it for what it's worth. Had boys - varying ages, and I used to be a HERE! NOW! Kinda Mom - Then I got to be a Please? Okay honey Mom, and FWIW? I finally ended up with a somehwere in the middle of them both and much happier kinda Mom. </p><p> </p><p>First of all - do you have a right to be safe? You absolutely do. So does your son. So naturally when playing around a bunch of older kids comes into play a ton of things goes through our minds. I respect your position on this completely and as the Mom of boys - I get it believe me I do. But when your kid is playing with bigger boys? It's a HUGE thing - HUGE to have your Mom not only call you back and be screaming in the phone, but then to come looking for you and scream at you across a field? Yeah - well if that had been any of my boys? They wouldn't have come either. Not only that - but the ribbing he probably was getting at that time from the older boys about his Mom being there? Tough. Then when you came across the field and 'DRUG' him by his shirt? Wow - then YOU created a power struggle. Had you drug ME by MY shirt? I'd probably hit you too. In this instance and it's my very humble opinion - I know that you are his Mom - but think about it for a minute - and think about it like this - </p><p> </p><p>WHAT if this had been any of YOUR friends doing the same thing to you? (yes I get it you are his MOM - certain things just should be and that's that) but - this became in a difficult child mind - a battle, a war - a power struggle. And I think it was a needless one. YOU were upset, YOU were scared, and you were frustrated. I think sometimes we get fed up to HERE with our kids especially our difficult child's that instead of walking away - we just reach out and touch someone and it's like YOU ARE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, NO IF's, AN's, or BUTT's...and this Mom takes over us that normally wouldn't. Seriously - WHAT part of you would normally drive down the road holding a child that is trying to jump out of a car without stopping period, and continue driving? NEVER huh? WHY would you ever take that risk? (not judging - honestly swear I am not) but think about what happened that day. You drug him to the car in front of older boys, and you were angry. ANGRY as what? If you had been in control of your emotions? Would you have done the same thing? I doubt it. (I know so - no.) How do I know? I've been there. </p><p> </p><p>So where does it go from here? He's getting worse, you're getting worse. The house is in utter chaos. You're taking him by 911 for pity sake to the EMERGENCY ROOM and there is a coy psychiatrist that says "meay meay, meay meay meay meay" and (trying not to smack her) I've been there too...you leave feeling defeated - and exhausted, and you look at the little boy in the chair and you think "I love you, I can't live with you, This has got to stop, I have no one in my corner and now THIS woman is telling me I could have handled the park thing better? THANKS a LOT lady....You have no idea." (actually I would have inserted something way more colorful for me too - but board rules and all) </p><p> </p><p>And it's not that at all - I'm not judging - I see - where I was...where you are, and I think - (exhales really hard) Wow if I really want to help her what do I tell her 'pat pat hugs?" pft? Heaaak yea - that should get you right back on track. You have a kid that is punching you in the face and a hug should help. Well it won't - so buckleup. You are going to have to find a way to get yourself some therapy to deal with your son. Plain and simple. If you can't afford it - get in the phone book and find County Mental Health and call them - they are all sliding scale fee based - and talking to someone is going to be better than NO ONE. Your local chapter of NAMI is good too. Other parents with the same kinds of mental health issues you are facing and sometimes? A break like shared babysitting. Also mental health should be able to point you in the direction of things like SUMMER CAMPS - SHADOWS - shadows in schools paid for by the school district - (NOT YOU) through your sons IEP. Check and see if your county has anything like Big Brothers, or YAPS (youth Advocacy Programs) it's like a big brother for at-risk boys/girls. Depending on where you live - you can also call your governors office and see if the STATE you live in has any programs to help you with placements like Residential Care programs or hospitals. What you were told at the hospital? Well? I think the more times you call 911? danger to self and others the more you make a paper trail and the more paper you have on your child? The quicker it gets you into family court in front of a judge. If you can get a judge to listen to you with a paper trail then you can file for a petition of incorrigibility - that gets you COURT ORDERED therapy/hospital - sometimes. There are services out there - but people keep their mouths shut because - if they didn't every kid with a bad report card would be going to Department of Juvenile Justice - by some parents standards. - </p><p> </p><p>Now as far as your handling of that park situation? Given the whole thing over again? Maybe you'd have done it the same way again. Or maybe you would have gotten there - beeped your horn - motioned for him to come to the car. When he got to the car - told him - Listen - You really scared me - so instead of 30 minutes - Now you've cut yourself to 15 - I'll sound the horn when you have 5 minutes UNLESS you can get over here on your own like a grown young man. If you're not over here to the car ---I'll be beeping the horn and your friends will here Mommy beeping the horn for you. Go on - Then let him go - you're there - you're watching (reading a book) and in 14 minutes - he doesn't show? Then you honk the horn - THEN it's on HIM if he's not at the car and on HIM if his buddies raz him - THEN when he gets in the car - NOTHING - say NOTHING. When you get back to the house - GIVE HIM TIME to decompress - Then later say something like - "Wanna talk to you about those older guys later okay?" and walk away even if he says "WHAT?" Just pretend like you couldn't have the time and say "I'm busy right this minute - no biggie -later." THEN later? Talk about the use of the F bomb, Let him know he worried you, How you don't agree with buddies 6 years older, and you think maybe it's time he got a cell phone of his own????? IF........and then drag out a chore chart - and talk about him doing some things to earn it and see how it goes - but one of the stipulations is no more F bombs and that may mean not hanging with older kids. and see how it goes in a month." </p><p> </p><p>Parenting a difficult child is NOT for weaklings.....and...it changes day to day sometimes hour to hour. But you have to be able to swallow fear - throw on a near blank face - be flat/emotionless - they LOVE to see us get rialed - LOVE IT! -----and touching them -???? OH that's an invitation to no holds barred. But I still maintain - you drag ME to your car - and .......I'm 46....I'm not going to be pleasant either. </p><p> </p><p>There is a really good book I recommend a lot - How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk. If you can find it on Amazon? and have 15 minutes a week to dedicate to a chapter? Do it - it's the best book I ever read. swear....I didn't get it (as a gift) until my youngest was much older - but it helped me communicate effectively with him from the first day I got it. That and I went to counseling 2-3 times a week (no kidding)- My son was off the chart - he's 20 now and not living at home. But he was a dandy. </p><p> </p><p>I agree with HazOi about the stims - they could be making him very aggressive. But then again if no one will take him into a hospital on a baseline? How are you ever going to get a good medications diagnosis and tweak? I'f you can do it? I'd ask for a hospitalization and get him to baseline and find something out there for his sake and yours. You really sound like you could use a vacation. Wish I was closer - I'd take him for a week for ya - he sounds like our kind of dandy - lol. (sheeeeeeesh never thought I'd say that again) I've had peace for too long. </p><p> </p><p>Really - HUGS and calgon - </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 411650, member: 4964"] HML, Hi ya! I am really sorry this turned into such a power struggle. Wow. I guess maybe I'm not going to be the popular vocie here - anyway here's my thoughts take it for what it's worth. Had boys - varying ages, and I used to be a HERE! NOW! Kinda Mom - Then I got to be a Please? Okay honey Mom, and FWIW? I finally ended up with a somehwere in the middle of them both and much happier kinda Mom. First of all - do you have a right to be safe? You absolutely do. So does your son. So naturally when playing around a bunch of older kids comes into play a ton of things goes through our minds. I respect your position on this completely and as the Mom of boys - I get it believe me I do. But when your kid is playing with bigger boys? It's a HUGE thing - HUGE to have your Mom not only call you back and be screaming in the phone, but then to come looking for you and scream at you across a field? Yeah - well if that had been any of my boys? They wouldn't have come either. Not only that - but the ribbing he probably was getting at that time from the older boys about his Mom being there? Tough. Then when you came across the field and 'DRUG' him by his shirt? Wow - then YOU created a power struggle. Had you drug ME by MY shirt? I'd probably hit you too. In this instance and it's my very humble opinion - I know that you are his Mom - but think about it for a minute - and think about it like this - WHAT if this had been any of YOUR friends doing the same thing to you? (yes I get it you are his MOM - certain things just should be and that's that) but - this became in a difficult child mind - a battle, a war - a power struggle. And I think it was a needless one. YOU were upset, YOU were scared, and you were frustrated. I think sometimes we get fed up to HERE with our kids especially our difficult child's that instead of walking away - we just reach out and touch someone and it's like YOU ARE GOING TO LISTEN TO ME, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, NO IF's, AN's, or BUTT's...and this Mom takes over us that normally wouldn't. Seriously - WHAT part of you would normally drive down the road holding a child that is trying to jump out of a car without stopping period, and continue driving? NEVER huh? WHY would you ever take that risk? (not judging - honestly swear I am not) but think about what happened that day. You drug him to the car in front of older boys, and you were angry. ANGRY as what? If you had been in control of your emotions? Would you have done the same thing? I doubt it. (I know so - no.) How do I know? I've been there. So where does it go from here? He's getting worse, you're getting worse. The house is in utter chaos. You're taking him by 911 for pity sake to the EMERGENCY ROOM and there is a coy psychiatrist that says "meay meay, meay meay meay meay" and (trying not to smack her) I've been there too...you leave feeling defeated - and exhausted, and you look at the little boy in the chair and you think "I love you, I can't live with you, This has got to stop, I have no one in my corner and now THIS woman is telling me I could have handled the park thing better? THANKS a LOT lady....You have no idea." (actually I would have inserted something way more colorful for me too - but board rules and all) And it's not that at all - I'm not judging - I see - where I was...where you are, and I think - (exhales really hard) Wow if I really want to help her what do I tell her 'pat pat hugs?" pft? Heaaak yea - that should get you right back on track. You have a kid that is punching you in the face and a hug should help. Well it won't - so buckleup. You are going to have to find a way to get yourself some therapy to deal with your son. Plain and simple. If you can't afford it - get in the phone book and find County Mental Health and call them - they are all sliding scale fee based - and talking to someone is going to be better than NO ONE. Your local chapter of NAMI is good too. Other parents with the same kinds of mental health issues you are facing and sometimes? A break like shared babysitting. Also mental health should be able to point you in the direction of things like SUMMER CAMPS - SHADOWS - shadows in schools paid for by the school district - (NOT YOU) through your sons IEP. Check and see if your county has anything like Big Brothers, or YAPS (youth Advocacy Programs) it's like a big brother for at-risk boys/girls. Depending on where you live - you can also call your governors office and see if the STATE you live in has any programs to help you with placements like Residential Care programs or hospitals. What you were told at the hospital? Well? I think the more times you call 911? danger to self and others the more you make a paper trail and the more paper you have on your child? The quicker it gets you into family court in front of a judge. If you can get a judge to listen to you with a paper trail then you can file for a petition of incorrigibility - that gets you COURT ORDERED therapy/hospital - sometimes. There are services out there - but people keep their mouths shut because - if they didn't every kid with a bad report card would be going to Department of Juvenile Justice - by some parents standards. - Now as far as your handling of that park situation? Given the whole thing over again? Maybe you'd have done it the same way again. Or maybe you would have gotten there - beeped your horn - motioned for him to come to the car. When he got to the car - told him - Listen - You really scared me - so instead of 30 minutes - Now you've cut yourself to 15 - I'll sound the horn when you have 5 minutes UNLESS you can get over here on your own like a grown young man. If you're not over here to the car ---I'll be beeping the horn and your friends will here Mommy beeping the horn for you. Go on - Then let him go - you're there - you're watching (reading a book) and in 14 minutes - he doesn't show? Then you honk the horn - THEN it's on HIM if he's not at the car and on HIM if his buddies raz him - THEN when he gets in the car - NOTHING - say NOTHING. When you get back to the house - GIVE HIM TIME to decompress - Then later say something like - "Wanna talk to you about those older guys later okay?" and walk away even if he says "WHAT?" Just pretend like you couldn't have the time and say "I'm busy right this minute - no biggie -later." THEN later? Talk about the use of the F bomb, Let him know he worried you, How you don't agree with buddies 6 years older, and you think maybe it's time he got a cell phone of his own????? IF........and then drag out a chore chart - and talk about him doing some things to earn it and see how it goes - but one of the stipulations is no more F bombs and that may mean not hanging with older kids. and see how it goes in a month." Parenting a difficult child is NOT for weaklings.....and...it changes day to day sometimes hour to hour. But you have to be able to swallow fear - throw on a near blank face - be flat/emotionless - they LOVE to see us get rialed - LOVE IT! -----and touching them -???? OH that's an invitation to no holds barred. But I still maintain - you drag ME to your car - and .......I'm 46....I'm not going to be pleasant either. There is a really good book I recommend a lot - How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk. If you can find it on Amazon? and have 15 minutes a week to dedicate to a chapter? Do it - it's the best book I ever read. swear....I didn't get it (as a gift) until my youngest was much older - but it helped me communicate effectively with him from the first day I got it. That and I went to counseling 2-3 times a week (no kidding)- My son was off the chart - he's 20 now and not living at home. But he was a dandy. I agree with HazOi about the stims - they could be making him very aggressive. But then again if no one will take him into a hospital on a baseline? How are you ever going to get a good medications diagnosis and tweak? I'f you can do it? I'd ask for a hospitalization and get him to baseline and find something out there for his sake and yours. You really sound like you could use a vacation. Wish I was closer - I'd take him for a week for ya - he sounds like our kind of dandy - lol. (sheeeeeeesh never thought I'd say that again) I've had peace for too long. Really - HUGS and calgon - Star [/QUOTE]
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