If I had a nickel for every dr who has asked if my son's birth dad or birth mom was on drugs, or if they have a history of bipolar, I'd be a rich lady!
They don't have a clue. They just go about their lives and can't figure out why this person is smoking pot, that person is an alcoholic, both parents are divorced ... no one can see any patterns, no one thinks to ask questions. If I thought they could help me I would ask. Sigh.
Mandy, not to rain on your parade, but he could be both, and it could take yrs to figure out. Like I said, you are doing all the right things. But it's hard not to think "Aha! THIS diagnosis is going to do the trick!" and think it's settled, only to find that he starts exhibiting new behviors a yr later so you feel like you're starting over.
I have to say, that the last time my son "changed" so to speak, it wasn't as traumatic. We simply upped one of his medications and waiting to see what would happen, knowing it was a waiting game.
Our Aspie lite diagnosis has really helped. It has mostly changed our behaviors toward him, and we are careful to use phrases and words that make sense to him. He is so literal. I also tend to harp a bit (a wonderful habit I learned from my mother) so I have learned to back off and let natural consequences take over. The other thing is to make sure he gets enough sleep, and that we don't spring things on him, even a trip to the grocery store. It helps to calmly say, "We're going to the grocery store on the way home from school. Would you like to help me pick out dinner?" so it sounds like he's got a choice.
One thing that has helped me is to watch my son just prior to a meltdown. I could see him getting agitated, escalating, and didn't know what to do. I thought it was out of the blue, but in fact, there were clear triggers. Transitions are the biggest trigger. Drawing him into a protracted discussion immediately after school is another. He needs to decompress. Taking his medications was a trigger for yrs, until he learned to swallow pills. We were like marrionettes around him, doing anything to get him to swallow those pills. Juice? Pink or red? Candy? Soup? In your bed? In front of the TV? We begged, ordered, cajoled, joked, yelled.
Major, major stress.
It's so peaceful now. We've got a routine.
One step at a time.