For any interested pe ople, J. and Jumper's breakup and the shocking stuff I learned!

[BusynMember]

Well, apparently J. wasn't the angel I thought he was. He did not force sex (they never had any) and he did not break the law, but he was often very mean to Jumper and made her cry, even at prom. He was so jealous of her that if she so much as accidentally glanced at another guy, he would boycott talking to her for HOURS and call her nice names like "*****." She told me that the first three months were good and after that they fought all the time over his delusions that she was cheating on him with boys. SHE WAS NOT. SHE JUST WANTED HIM! Heck, she was always home unless she had a ballgame or was with J.

This was a set of his (J's) behaviors and his rules due to his jealousy and delusions.

1/If she wanted to watch a boy's baseball game or go to a mixed group bonfire, BRINGING HIM WITH, he would either not go and fight with her over it or go and sulk. He didn't want her ANYWHERE where there were boys. Not even if he was there. Her friends hated him because he sulked and would not try to interact with them when he did reluctantly agree to go. He refused to make friends with her friends, girls and especially guys.

2/He texted her from morning to night, giving her no time alone. She wanted some space, but if she forgot to check her texts and didn't get back to him for ten minutes he was positive she was texting a boy. Then he would go cold on her and ignore her for hours.

3/He checked her cell phone. If a boy happened to text her just to say hi, he would threaten to break up with her.

At prom he would not speak to her during dinner (because he said she was checking out some guy who was in their group) and would not dance with her until it was half over. She was crying and her friends wanted to beat him up. She really loved him and it hurt. In his deluded mind, she was ALWAYS checking out guys (Jumper is NOT like that. She is NOT boy crazy).

Finally, this summer she told him straight out she was hanging around with her friends and if he didn't trust her, they would break up. He didn't really want to break up with her, but he said some very hurtful things to her (she showed me the texts). So he finally insisted he would come over and return all the gifts she had given him and expected her to return all the gifts he had given her. That, in his opinion, was what you do when you break up a relationship. YOu give back all the loving things you made for and bought and gave to each other. You do not keep them for memories. You even return pictures and loving cards). I thought this was just plain odd. I never heard of giving back things like the blanket she made just for him, but whatever.

The first time they did it, they cried into one another's arms and couldn't go through with it. The second time, they also cried, but they went through with it. He told her he would never ever speak to her again and would delete her from FB if they ever broke up (friendly, huh?). He won't speak to her, but he hasn't deleted her. So she has checked his FB .

Well, his crazy Stepmother has added him back as a son again. He is back as a member of his family now that they have broken up. She laughed at that, but, as Mom, that hurt ME. Then...he has a sort of stepbrother (won't go into detail) who is rather creepy and he keeps following Jumper around, watching her play volleyball and seems to find out where she is going and goes to watch her. That creeps her out, but she's not afraid of him and she ignores him.

Jumper and I had a long talk about her next boyfriend, which she says she doesn't want for a long time...lol. But when she has another one, she says his family has to like her and he has to be ok with her talking to other boys...at least when HE is with her. He has to be outgoing, like she is because she doesn't want another sulky guy sitting in a corner with his head down, making her cry. She also said she will NOT date a boy who is two years older than her. He can only be one year older, one year younger, or her own age. She learned a lot from this relationship.

J. is a very troubled boy. I felt so bad for him, but I had no idea that he was cruel to my child at times. She does say she IS going to see him once before he goes off to college. Ugh. I hope he refuses, but I think he still likes her, even if he's mad. SHE was the one who ultimately broke it off.

Meanwhile, Jumper has had a carefree summer, reuniting with all of her friends again, and she is doing volleyball, weigh lifting, and basketball. She is not home much and has a ton of friends.

I hope to hell J. hasn't made her afraid to have another boyfriend, but she has to do it in her time. She told me, "Mom, I'm only sixteen. I don't need a boyfriend right now."

So this is the end of J. and Jumper. I am so glad that Jumper is not sitting around and mooning over him. She is truly my most sensible child.

I think J. will not enjoy Indiana State. He's going from a small town school to a big school, and no girl he meets in college is going to follow his insane jealousy rules. College girls are not going to put up with him at all. Not that I wish him ill. I don't.

I do hope he seeks out help for his many issues. He had threatened suicide many times to Jumper.

Well, that's it. Have a nice day

 

[TeDo]

Wow. What a tough lesson for her to learn....and for you to find out about. {{{{HUGS}}}} to both of you. She's right, she doesn't need a boyfriend right now. She has many years for that. I'm glad she's getting her "life" back and is enjoying it.

 

[Californiablonde]

Wow what terrible thing for her to have to go through. It sounds like she is handling it as well as can be expected, probably better than most. It's great she has so many activities and friends to hang out with to help keep her mind occupied. She sounds like one sensible young lady.

 

[BusynMember]

I am angry at myself for being so loving to J. This would not have happened if I had known. I actually helped prolong the relationship when his parents were disowning him for going out with Jumper. It seemed to be what Jumper wanted, but if I had known the details...well, I help nobody who is not nice to my beloved daughter.

In the end, my guess is the two parents are both kooky with their own issues and also racists. Most around here are not racists and love Jumper and would not give a fleep if their sons dated her (some have asked them to date Jumper) but this kid comes from a town that is all white farmers and J's bizarre family (and it IS bizarre) didn't like her on sight.

It doesn't matter. He is history. He is probably not handling it as well as she is. He is seriously a mental health disaster. And Jumper doesn't need to be his therapist.

 

[trinityroyal]

MWM, I am so impressed by Jumper. She seems to be such a level-headed girl, especially at her age. Good thing too, because as pretty as she is, if her head weren't level it could be easily turned.

I don't think J. will make Jumper afraid of dating. I think sometimes the first boyfriend is a good lesson in identifying the things you Will. Not. Put. Up. With. in a boyfriend or husband. Jumper has identified some of the behaviour that she finds unacceptable, and that will stand her in good stead when she meets someone else.

I think she shows good sense in recognizing that she doesn't "need" a boyfriend. She has a large group of friends and can socialize without pressure.

 

[trinityroyal]

MWM, you and I must have been posting at the same time. I don't think you should be angry at yourself for being kind and loving to J. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Given J's upbringing, he may just not have the skills to be in a healthy relationship. Your kindness to him may have helped him to see that not all families are like the one in which he grew up. Who knows, it may help him to form a better relationship someday...

Anyway, you know now, and you're better able to support Jumper in her decision to break up with him, and keep her safe in case J or Cousin-Stalker do more than just follow Jumper around.

 

[BusynMember]

Thank you very much.

Jumper has always been mature and level-headed and not prone to drama. She does not act like she misses him much. She does check his facebook, but it doesn't bring her down. Or, if it does, it does not incompacitate her or bring her to tears or make her sit home and pout. She keeps on ticking, like the Energizer bunny

I think she is going to be more careful next time and she has a lot to do without a relationship getting in the way. Junior year is the hardest academic year at school and she needs to focus a lot of time into that. She wants to be a social worker (it is listed as a good up and coming job and is considered healthcare) and work with special needs children and the poor. Now we need to help her get the grades she needs for college. But this summer...it's all about fun

 

[AnnieO]

Jumper just amazes me, she's better adjusted than I was!!!

Unfortunately, the "nice" ones are sometimes the ones you have to watch out for. I'm just glad she figured things out.

 

[DDD]

Yeah, Jumper. Yeah, Mom. I have not traveled the exact same road.......but......my road led to the same juncture. My daughters finally shared with me and I was agast. Like you I focused on the fact that they eventually trusted their Mom and were able to ease the burdens of their romances. One boyfriend was actually abusive. WTH! I was totally young enough to be "sharp as a tack" and I missed it. I thought he was just controlling and arrogant.

Congrats on having that trusting relationship that allows your daughter to feel empowered enough to move on. You are a great Mom and Jumper ??? Jumper is awesome. Hugs. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Appreciate it, guys. Well, J. wasn't exactly abusive to her. But he has all the traits of a grown-up male abuser. Aren't they the ones who keep their wives hidden and to themselves and don't let them go anywhere or do anything or have friends? The only reason he couldn't keep her from us was because he couldn't bring her to his house so they hung out here.

Jumper is having a blast. With all the problems I've had with so many of my children (Sportsfan, Scott, Lucas with the autism and Julie (although Julie is now an angel)....I deserve one kid who seems to have her head together, right?

I'm glad J. is gone. I do feel sorry for him, but if he wants help he will have to seek it out himself. Seems like he is getting right back into the family fold now, which is too bad. His family is horrible. But he is a depressed young man and a loner who does not often hang out with his many friends...I think he will grow up to be just like them...unless they don't like his next girlfriend too (shrug). It's too bad.