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Forgiving others vs forgiving yourself
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 410081" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>Never told anybody this before but I'm going to share it with you. I have learned to forgive others, mind you I'm like an elephant, I find it impossible to forget. But I've forgiven most of those who have done me harm, hardest ironically not being those that harmed me with evil intention, but those who hurt me from carelessness, from lack of thought or caring despite knowing their actions would cause me deep pain. Regardless, I've found a way to forgive and move on. Myself on the other hand was a long and often up-hill battle. </p><p></p><p>So gosh knows how this even came to be, but one day I was doing my hair to get ready for yet another day of daily grind, and I noticed a ton of white hair among my jet black hair. I realized they must have been there for a long time given how long they were, how many of them of varying lengths. How did this happen I wondered, without even knowing it? This is my hair, on my head, crowning my face, on my body, on ME. Then I realized that in spite of using a mirror daily to get ready, I had stopped seeing myself in that mirror. Completely just would blank out, do what needed to be done, and get the heck away from that mirror. This lead me to wondering, when had I stopped seeing myself? Why had I stopped wanting to see myself? What was I avoiding? </p><p></p><p>I stared in that mirror and I realized I hadn't let myself acknowledge it, but I had not wanted to see the monster in the mirror. The monster who made choices that hurt other people, that in hindsight were SO not the right choice, that set into play a series of events that affected me or people I loved. I kept staring and I remember crying and crying my head off and not letting myself look away. Take a good long look at that monster in the mirror I was thinking, stop pretending she isn't in there looking back at you. Let yourself that those emotional whippings for all those evil mistakes and choices, be with the monster you are. </p><p></p><p>You know what happened? I realized what a crappy way to think of myself! There was NO monster in the mirror. There was a aged husk of a little girl so wronged that she was broken and crushed and dispirited and misguided and alone and abandoned and abused. There was a out of control teen, making crappy choices based on crappy events that unfolded in front of her and left her few, if any, good options. Resulting in a adult whose history lead her to believe a monster was in that mirror, one who was cruel and prone to destroying others and inflicting pain. And I realized it was all B.S! It was all in my head. All. Of. It. </p><p></p><p>I was not a monster. I am not a monster. In that mirror was a reflection of history in every single white hair growing out among my black silky hair. A reflection of eyes that held a history of pain and regret and poor decisions sure. But also a history of surviving, of forgiving others, of trying to do better and learn better and know better. A history of fighting for better, and fighting for more for me and my children and my loved ones. A history of a adult life spent trying to be there for others and do the right thing even when I had no clue what the right thing was. A history of beating myself up in ways nobody else was beating me up. Self torture in my face and nobody I had affected with my past choices was carrying that pain, not as I was. </p><p></p><p>What a ephiphany! Honestly it was. I wasn't a monster. I was a human being with a history of good and bad choices. Some made without thought, some made in spite of so much thought my head hurt, some made on impulse, some made on instinct (sometimes self preserving). I was not a bad person for not being perfect. I knew not one perfect person, have seen none on t.v., have read of none in books, in history. I was no different than every other person out there. A product of my upbringing, outside influences, other peoples bad and good choices, my own bad and good choices. I was not a bad person. I was not fatally flawed. I was not unforgivable. I was not unlovable or undeserving of acceptance and forgiveness and understanding. I was just as worthy of that forgiveness as those who had been forgiven BY me. </p><p></p><p>And I told myself I was sorry. I was sorry for having been hurt by others. For hurting others. I was mostly sorry for allowing myself to live so long as a monster in a mirror in my own life. I was sorry that I could forgive those who did unspeakable things to me but could not forgive the broken person I had grown into. My tears stopped, I smiled at myself, and I noticed crazy stuff. My scraggy eyebrows that REALLY needed a good wax artist. My abundance of white hairs, how coarse and spirally and shiny they were. How on earth had I not noticed them? The little wrinkles creeping up by my eyes. The 2 scars from having moles removed. The beauty mark by my lip, my Marilyn Munroe beauty mark that I hadn't looked at for years despite my cousin coming to visit on holidays and always commenting how jealous she always was of that mark on my face. I realized I was aging and that I wasn't the young woman who made the mistakes I was carrying around with me into middle age anymore. </p><p></p><p>I was done that day with beating myself up and kicking myself. Abusing myself was hardly a gift to myself now was it? Forgive those that abused me, but take over that abuse and inflict it on myself? That was simply madness! And it ended. I refuse to let it whisper into my head, a habit that is hard to break but one I have broken in a way I can't quit smoking. Not as addictive as the dang smokes! I was lighter, happier, and I got my eye brows waxed the same day.</p><p></p><p>Find your mirror Steely. A real mirror, or a written mirror into your true soul and spirit of who you are. And who you are is NOT a summary of your history, of actions taken or not taken. Take a look at you. Who are you Steely? If you are seeing a monster, it is time to let that monster go. It is NOT reflected in others mirrors, only your own. Do it with your book, with words, and when you are done with the writing, let that monster go along with the final sentence. Put it to bed and don't look back. Delve back into life with a spring in your step and love for yourself. You deserve it. You are worthy. You are allowed to forgive. Others. And even more important, yourself. Find out who you are today, who you've grown into, love the person you are. Nobody is perfect but everybody deserves joy and to look in the mirror and see a true reflection, not the minds eye.</p><p></p><p></p><p>(((hugs))) I know life is so tough for you right now and has been for some time. Please cut yourself a break. You've earned it and I hate to think of you living one more day of your life beating yourself up for what is done. Honor your sister who I know is looking down at you with love, and acceptance, forgiveness, understanding and a prayer for you to have peace and joy and light and life again. You are allowed to live Steely. Give yourself that permission and take those shaky first steps until they aren't shaky any more. Nothing can stop you but limits you put on yourself. We are all here for you and we all, I'm sure of it, would agree we want nothing more from you than to find that peace and step back into the world with bounce in your step and a ability to let yourself live the life you want. </p><p></p><p>xo M.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 410081, member: 4264"] Never told anybody this before but I'm going to share it with you. I have learned to forgive others, mind you I'm like an elephant, I find it impossible to forget. But I've forgiven most of those who have done me harm, hardest ironically not being those that harmed me with evil intention, but those who hurt me from carelessness, from lack of thought or caring despite knowing their actions would cause me deep pain. Regardless, I've found a way to forgive and move on. Myself on the other hand was a long and often up-hill battle. So gosh knows how this even came to be, but one day I was doing my hair to get ready for yet another day of daily grind, and I noticed a ton of white hair among my jet black hair. I realized they must have been there for a long time given how long they were, how many of them of varying lengths. How did this happen I wondered, without even knowing it? This is my hair, on my head, crowning my face, on my body, on ME. Then I realized that in spite of using a mirror daily to get ready, I had stopped seeing myself in that mirror. Completely just would blank out, do what needed to be done, and get the heck away from that mirror. This lead me to wondering, when had I stopped seeing myself? Why had I stopped wanting to see myself? What was I avoiding? I stared in that mirror and I realized I hadn't let myself acknowledge it, but I had not wanted to see the monster in the mirror. The monster who made choices that hurt other people, that in hindsight were SO not the right choice, that set into play a series of events that affected me or people I loved. I kept staring and I remember crying and crying my head off and not letting myself look away. Take a good long look at that monster in the mirror I was thinking, stop pretending she isn't in there looking back at you. Let yourself that those emotional whippings for all those evil mistakes and choices, be with the monster you are. You know what happened? I realized what a crappy way to think of myself! There was NO monster in the mirror. There was a aged husk of a little girl so wronged that she was broken and crushed and dispirited and misguided and alone and abandoned and abused. There was a out of control teen, making crappy choices based on crappy events that unfolded in front of her and left her few, if any, good options. Resulting in a adult whose history lead her to believe a monster was in that mirror, one who was cruel and prone to destroying others and inflicting pain. And I realized it was all B.S! It was all in my head. All. Of. It. I was not a monster. I am not a monster. In that mirror was a reflection of history in every single white hair growing out among my black silky hair. A reflection of eyes that held a history of pain and regret and poor decisions sure. But also a history of surviving, of forgiving others, of trying to do better and learn better and know better. A history of fighting for better, and fighting for more for me and my children and my loved ones. A history of a adult life spent trying to be there for others and do the right thing even when I had no clue what the right thing was. A history of beating myself up in ways nobody else was beating me up. Self torture in my face and nobody I had affected with my past choices was carrying that pain, not as I was. What a ephiphany! Honestly it was. I wasn't a monster. I was a human being with a history of good and bad choices. Some made without thought, some made in spite of so much thought my head hurt, some made on impulse, some made on instinct (sometimes self preserving). I was not a bad person for not being perfect. I knew not one perfect person, have seen none on t.v., have read of none in books, in history. I was no different than every other person out there. A product of my upbringing, outside influences, other peoples bad and good choices, my own bad and good choices. I was not a bad person. I was not fatally flawed. I was not unforgivable. I was not unlovable or undeserving of acceptance and forgiveness and understanding. I was just as worthy of that forgiveness as those who had been forgiven BY me. And I told myself I was sorry. I was sorry for having been hurt by others. For hurting others. I was mostly sorry for allowing myself to live so long as a monster in a mirror in my own life. I was sorry that I could forgive those who did unspeakable things to me but could not forgive the broken person I had grown into. My tears stopped, I smiled at myself, and I noticed crazy stuff. My scraggy eyebrows that REALLY needed a good wax artist. My abundance of white hairs, how coarse and spirally and shiny they were. How on earth had I not noticed them? The little wrinkles creeping up by my eyes. The 2 scars from having moles removed. The beauty mark by my lip, my Marilyn Munroe beauty mark that I hadn't looked at for years despite my cousin coming to visit on holidays and always commenting how jealous she always was of that mark on my face. I realized I was aging and that I wasn't the young woman who made the mistakes I was carrying around with me into middle age anymore. I was done that day with beating myself up and kicking myself. Abusing myself was hardly a gift to myself now was it? Forgive those that abused me, but take over that abuse and inflict it on myself? That was simply madness! And it ended. I refuse to let it whisper into my head, a habit that is hard to break but one I have broken in a way I can't quit smoking. Not as addictive as the dang smokes! I was lighter, happier, and I got my eye brows waxed the same day. Find your mirror Steely. A real mirror, or a written mirror into your true soul and spirit of who you are. And who you are is NOT a summary of your history, of actions taken or not taken. Take a look at you. Who are you Steely? If you are seeing a monster, it is time to let that monster go. It is NOT reflected in others mirrors, only your own. Do it with your book, with words, and when you are done with the writing, let that monster go along with the final sentence. Put it to bed and don't look back. Delve back into life with a spring in your step and love for yourself. You deserve it. You are worthy. You are allowed to forgive. Others. And even more important, yourself. Find out who you are today, who you've grown into, love the person you are. Nobody is perfect but everybody deserves joy and to look in the mirror and see a true reflection, not the minds eye. (((hugs))) I know life is so tough for you right now and has been for some time. Please cut yourself a break. You've earned it and I hate to think of you living one more day of your life beating yourself up for what is done. Honor your sister who I know is looking down at you with love, and acceptance, forgiveness, understanding and a prayer for you to have peace and joy and light and life again. You are allowed to live Steely. Give yourself that permission and take those shaky first steps until they aren't shaky any more. Nothing can stop you but limits you put on yourself. We are all here for you and we all, I'm sure of it, would agree we want nothing more from you than to find that peace and step back into the world with bounce in your step and a ability to let yourself live the life you want. xo M. [/QUOTE]
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