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Friend won't lay off MY difficult child's issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 315872" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Susie, I think you're right on the money. </p><p></p><p>Some people need to compare, constantly, in order to feel better about themselves. Or to feel more deserving of sympathy, or whatever. It's something I learned when I first had to learn to live with disability - I suffer pain and muscle weakness. But I found that some people in my life were always comparing unfavourably, either telling me to stop complaining because THEIR pain was so much worse than mine, and THEY could keep doing what they had to do so why couldn't I?</p><p></p><p>Or I got the other types, the ones who said that of course I was getting on OK because obviously I wasn't in as much pain as them, if only I were in the same amount of pain then I would understand. Until then, they wouldn't let me talk about my pain at all.</p><p></p><p>Not that I ever did make a lot of noise about it; it's just that when it is obvious to people around you (because you're using crutches or a wheelchair) then you get either the well-meaning advice, or the "for heaven's sake, pull yourself together" speeches.</p><p></p><p>The thing is - we cannot compare our lives with one another. We can't compare difficult children with other difficult children. Each kid, each person, is dealing with their own issues and comparisons are not to be used as a way to browbeat someone into thinking/doing the way you do.</p><p></p><p>Of course, you describe your child and I might say, "that sounds a lot like my son," but that's only so you can know you're not alone and that I might have something for you to think about in relation to your own situaiton. But that's where it stops - if what I describe turns out to be too different after all, then of course my advice can be dismissed by you and with good reason. You make the choices because it's your child that you know.</p><p></p><p>Do not let anyone make you feel worse about your parenting. Especially do not let anyone make you feel worse, who themselves is not already a glowing example of parenthood themselves.</p><p></p><p>You have your own answer.</p><p></p><p>It all depends on what you value about her as a friend. It is when times are tough and our life becomes challenging, that we discover who our true friends really are. I lost friends when I became disabled. Some of them couldn't understand why I was no longer the active outdoorsy type. Others found that looking at my disability made them feel uncomfortable because I was a reminder of everyone's eventual deterioration and demise and they weren't ready to face that just yet.</p><p></p><p>Over time I've made a lot of new friends who accept me as I am now. Old friends - some I occasionally bump into are still friendly but keep their distance. Some have stayed the course and these I value. But those who couldn't handle it - I'm polite to them but I insulate myself against any more pain they could cause me. I know they blame me for making them feel bad about their own failings.</p><p></p><p>To be rude or polite about it - that depends on how your friendship works now. If she has a pressing need to feel superior to you, then she won't be happy to be pushed away simply because you don't like being made to feel inferior. In pushing her away, you will be denying her a valuable source of her own self-importance. In the same way, if you somehow manage to prove to her that you don't need her advice, she will be resentful.</p><p></p><p>Maybe the best, kindest option will be to increasingly be the distant one, the one who forgets to return calls, who can't make it to the coffee shop as planned, who has to cancel out on lunch, who has other interests taking her away.</p><p></p><p>The only other option would be to hurt her enough to make her go away, and that would make you feel bad about yourself (and I don't think you need that right now).</p><p></p><p>So think about what you want. You don't have to put up with this, but you don't have to be rude to her either. She needs to learn healthier ways to make herself feel good (such as getting off her own rear end and actually DOING something instead of talking about how wonderful she is to someone else). But you are not responsible for her behaviour or her coping techniques. Don't try to fix her, the way she's trying to fix you.</p><p></p><p>And you need to find healthier ways to make yourself feel supported.</p><p></p><p>Like us (*beaming smile*)</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 315872, member: 1991"] Susie, I think you're right on the money. Some people need to compare, constantly, in order to feel better about themselves. Or to feel more deserving of sympathy, or whatever. It's something I learned when I first had to learn to live with disability - I suffer pain and muscle weakness. But I found that some people in my life were always comparing unfavourably, either telling me to stop complaining because THEIR pain was so much worse than mine, and THEY could keep doing what they had to do so why couldn't I? Or I got the other types, the ones who said that of course I was getting on OK because obviously I wasn't in as much pain as them, if only I were in the same amount of pain then I would understand. Until then, they wouldn't let me talk about my pain at all. Not that I ever did make a lot of noise about it; it's just that when it is obvious to people around you (because you're using crutches or a wheelchair) then you get either the well-meaning advice, or the "for heaven's sake, pull yourself together" speeches. The thing is - we cannot compare our lives with one another. We can't compare difficult children with other difficult children. Each kid, each person, is dealing with their own issues and comparisons are not to be used as a way to browbeat someone into thinking/doing the way you do. Of course, you describe your child and I might say, "that sounds a lot like my son," but that's only so you can know you're not alone and that I might have something for you to think about in relation to your own situaiton. But that's where it stops - if what I describe turns out to be too different after all, then of course my advice can be dismissed by you and with good reason. You make the choices because it's your child that you know. Do not let anyone make you feel worse about your parenting. Especially do not let anyone make you feel worse, who themselves is not already a glowing example of parenthood themselves. You have your own answer. It all depends on what you value about her as a friend. It is when times are tough and our life becomes challenging, that we discover who our true friends really are. I lost friends when I became disabled. Some of them couldn't understand why I was no longer the active outdoorsy type. Others found that looking at my disability made them feel uncomfortable because I was a reminder of everyone's eventual deterioration and demise and they weren't ready to face that just yet. Over time I've made a lot of new friends who accept me as I am now. Old friends - some I occasionally bump into are still friendly but keep their distance. Some have stayed the course and these I value. But those who couldn't handle it - I'm polite to them but I insulate myself against any more pain they could cause me. I know they blame me for making them feel bad about their own failings. To be rude or polite about it - that depends on how your friendship works now. If she has a pressing need to feel superior to you, then she won't be happy to be pushed away simply because you don't like being made to feel inferior. In pushing her away, you will be denying her a valuable source of her own self-importance. In the same way, if you somehow manage to prove to her that you don't need her advice, she will be resentful. Maybe the best, kindest option will be to increasingly be the distant one, the one who forgets to return calls, who can't make it to the coffee shop as planned, who has to cancel out on lunch, who has other interests taking her away. The only other option would be to hurt her enough to make her go away, and that would make you feel bad about yourself (and I don't think you need that right now). So think about what you want. You don't have to put up with this, but you don't have to be rude to her either. She needs to learn healthier ways to make herself feel good (such as getting off her own rear end and actually DOING something instead of talking about how wonderful she is to someone else). But you are not responsible for her behaviour or her coping techniques. Don't try to fix her, the way she's trying to fix you. And you need to find healthier ways to make yourself feel supported. Like us (*beaming smile*) Marg [/QUOTE]
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