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Friend won't lay off MY difficult child's issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 316270" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Melinda, watch out. She already knows a great deal about you. Let your friend-in-common know that you are needing to give yourself some space IN GENERAL but do not say anything more.</p><p></p><p>The friend I mentioned in my previous post hasn't used any information about me as leverage or currenct with anyone (she's too self-centred, frankly, to remember any detail about my life) but I have seen other friends burned (my friend who collects lame ducks) and there was another 'friend' of mine who began to go behind my back and accused me of being unstable (and a whole lot of other things). Coming form him, it was a bit rich and at first I ignored it (but cut off all contact with him) because most people who know this guy, know him to be someone who alientates friends. But he began saying things to a group I worked with. He also began gossiping about me and pumping my friends for information about me. Always words said in ever-so-caring a way ("Have you seen my good friend Marg lately? I've been so worried for her, knowing how she's been battling addiction to pain medications for years, it's no wonder she's been so emotional lately...")</p><p></p><p>So go carefully. Think back over things you've confided to her. </p><p></p><p>In my case, I didn't tell my 'friend' off, he'd already made his position clear and I simply stopped responding to him. It's taken years but he's stopped trying to find out about me (I had to clamp down on ALL information and confide in nobody; I did tell my doctor and the pharmacist, so when medications are prescribed and dispensed they would be very discreet if this guy were around). </p><p></p><p>It would be so innocent - I was talking to a friend at church while we were washing up. My friend asked how my job was gonig. I replied, "It's very variable because it involves publishing. We've just had a very busy time finalising the recent issue but now it's gone to the printer's we've got a couple of weeks' down time before it gets busy again. I've got fewer hours this week, thank goodness."</p><p>This woman is not a gossip, but after church she dropped in at the local cafe where 'friend' was relaxing (and taling to passers-by like he was village mayor). The guy greeted her chattily and at some point asked her how I was as in "How's my friend Marg, I believe she's enjoying her new job."</p><p>Her response may have been innocent - she didn't kow to not talk to this creep and what she DID say would have been innocent. She probably said, "she was just telling me that her hours will be a bit easier for the next couple of weeks."</p><p>The next thing - word was going around town that I was about to lose my job.</p><p></p><p>So I learned to say nothing about myself to anybody. That way any tales that came back would be total fabrication and not the slightest chance of misunderstanding.</p><p></p><p>If you look around your own world you will recognise different levels of friendship. The bloke at the vegetable shop - you probably know him by sight, he knows you by sight maybe. He may even know your choice in fruit & vegetables. But you probably wouldn't sit down and have coffee with him. However, it's still a form of friendship.</p><p>You probably hve a lot of people you know and quite like, but if you didn't see them for a few weeks you might not notice. But you probably hve other friends whose company you enjoy and who you miss if you don't see them regularly.</p><p></p><p>This changes over time. Think back to who were your friends ten years ago. Twenty years ago. Why were they your friends? Where are they now?</p><p></p><p>So be gentle with her, maybe just be less available and tell her you will be very busy for the next few weeks. Stop telling her (or your other friend for a while) anything about difficult child 2. Maybe even put as positive a spin on him as possible. "He's doing really well lately, I think all our concerns from the past are behind us. Thank you for all your advice, I won't be needing it any more now that he's doing so much better." If she sees him raging, then make it clear that all kids shout and yell a little now and then, this is just typical teen stuff (even if you know this is all rubbish).</p><p></p><p>it would be interesting to know how she would react to this.</p><p></p><p>You need your own space. Maybe even use your answering machine to screen your calls, if you haven't got someone else to answer the phone for you. I've had to do that in the past. </p><p></p><p>I hope it goes OK for you.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 316270, member: 1991"] Melinda, watch out. She already knows a great deal about you. Let your friend-in-common know that you are needing to give yourself some space IN GENERAL but do not say anything more. The friend I mentioned in my previous post hasn't used any information about me as leverage or currenct with anyone (she's too self-centred, frankly, to remember any detail about my life) but I have seen other friends burned (my friend who collects lame ducks) and there was another 'friend' of mine who began to go behind my back and accused me of being unstable (and a whole lot of other things). Coming form him, it was a bit rich and at first I ignored it (but cut off all contact with him) because most people who know this guy, know him to be someone who alientates friends. But he began saying things to a group I worked with. He also began gossiping about me and pumping my friends for information about me. Always words said in ever-so-caring a way ("Have you seen my good friend Marg lately? I've been so worried for her, knowing how she's been battling addiction to pain medications for years, it's no wonder she's been so emotional lately...") So go carefully. Think back over things you've confided to her. In my case, I didn't tell my 'friend' off, he'd already made his position clear and I simply stopped responding to him. It's taken years but he's stopped trying to find out about me (I had to clamp down on ALL information and confide in nobody; I did tell my doctor and the pharmacist, so when medications are prescribed and dispensed they would be very discreet if this guy were around). It would be so innocent - I was talking to a friend at church while we were washing up. My friend asked how my job was gonig. I replied, "It's very variable because it involves publishing. We've just had a very busy time finalising the recent issue but now it's gone to the printer's we've got a couple of weeks' down time before it gets busy again. I've got fewer hours this week, thank goodness." This woman is not a gossip, but after church she dropped in at the local cafe where 'friend' was relaxing (and taling to passers-by like he was village mayor). The guy greeted her chattily and at some point asked her how I was as in "How's my friend Marg, I believe she's enjoying her new job." Her response may have been innocent - she didn't kow to not talk to this creep and what she DID say would have been innocent. She probably said, "she was just telling me that her hours will be a bit easier for the next couple of weeks." The next thing - word was going around town that I was about to lose my job. So I learned to say nothing about myself to anybody. That way any tales that came back would be total fabrication and not the slightest chance of misunderstanding. If you look around your own world you will recognise different levels of friendship. The bloke at the vegetable shop - you probably know him by sight, he knows you by sight maybe. He may even know your choice in fruit & vegetables. But you probably wouldn't sit down and have coffee with him. However, it's still a form of friendship. You probably hve a lot of people you know and quite like, but if you didn't see them for a few weeks you might not notice. But you probably hve other friends whose company you enjoy and who you miss if you don't see them regularly. This changes over time. Think back to who were your friends ten years ago. Twenty years ago. Why were they your friends? Where are they now? So be gentle with her, maybe just be less available and tell her you will be very busy for the next few weeks. Stop telling her (or your other friend for a while) anything about difficult child 2. Maybe even put as positive a spin on him as possible. "He's doing really well lately, I think all our concerns from the past are behind us. Thank you for all your advice, I won't be needing it any more now that he's doing so much better." If she sees him raging, then make it clear that all kids shout and yell a little now and then, this is just typical teen stuff (even if you know this is all rubbish). it would be interesting to know how she would react to this. You need your own space. Maybe even use your answering machine to screen your calls, if you haven't got someone else to answer the phone for you. I've had to do that in the past. I hope it goes OK for you. Marg [/QUOTE]
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