Frustrated -- difficult child Peripheral Fallout

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Oct 7, 2014.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Hello all. Nothing critical, just the same old spiel about difficult child Peripheral Fallout....

    Our difficult child is doing GREAT! And we're proud of him! However.....sometimes the issue can be difficult child Peripheral Fallout.

    For years and years and years, I figured people would understand how hard it is raising a difficult child. But, nooooo....this world loves to blame it all on the parents. Free Will seems to be completely eliminated for some. Granted, until we raised our difficult child for years, even I didn't grasp the extent of the challenge (euphemism). I know they don't "get it". But do they have any idea how their words can hurt? Probably not (I hope, anyway). But, still....

    Feeling a bit less "Zen" at the moment because I just got a bit of a lecture from an unexpected source at an unexpected time (when things are better). I know that people can't relate to REAL (and I mean REAL) Tough Love with REAL boundaries, but, still....

    Why is this world so quick to hold everyone accountable for deeds EXCEPT the deed-doer?
     
  2. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    PS --- Decided I know better than to let anything unnecessary "fester" inside me for too long. So, pondered it for a few minutes and chose to express myself to the "lecturer". I'm not about "bashing" anyone. Nor am I about "being bashed". My feelings matter, too.

    So, I wrote her a brief note (she lectured me in writing) expressing how much our friendship mattered. And that, because of that, I wished to share that blaming us (the parents) was incorrect. The DOER of the deed is, in fact, the DOER of the deed (I omitted the CAPS in her note). And I ended by reiterating how much our friendship mattered, so please think before you speak on this delicate matter -- be more careful and respectful with words. We all have kids and we all love our kids.

    Honesty and boundaries work for more than just difficult child stuff. :D

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand that felt great! Never helps me if I let something "fester" for long. I try to confront it first. That doesn't always work for me. So, when that happens, just let it go. Too much to carry an extra load of "festering" when life presents its own loads to carry.

    And, what's to be grateful for in this? Well............the freedom and ability to express myself, that I have friends who do matter to me (even if I don't like a certain thing they do), and that I can CHOOSE to move on. Not always so great at moving on, but learning better one action at a time! :D (Now, if only life didn't present so many opportunities to learn to "move on"! LOLOL!)
     
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2014
  3. Origami

    Origami Active Member

    I like that you decided to write the note instead of seething about the "lecture." I think it's a good lesson that we can learn to communicate more directly with everyone, not just our difficult children.

    It's long been a pet peeve of mine that people automatically blame the parents for kids who do bad things. I cringe every time I read a news report or comments on a report where multiple people chime in with "Where were the parents? They should be prosecuted too!" Well, in my case, I was usually asleep in bed thinking that my little darling was home when he was out committing his petty crimes. It gets to the point where you would actually need a cage of some sort to prevent the misbehavior. I guess something like jail at home! (ugh, not that funny now that I think about it)
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  4. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Origami -- My thoughts, exactly! And, yes, actually, I thought your last line was pretty funny! (hey, we've gotta find humor wherever we can difficult child schtuff!). Thanks! :D

    by the way, have heard back from my friend. She was a bit of a deer in the headlights, herself, in her response. She was not rude. She also did not directly apologize. However, she did seem surprised and her words carried an "apologetic tone". That's good enough for me. :D Muuuuuch better than letting it "fester". Plus, we both learn something from the exchange.
     
  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    How dare she be so judgmental to you. How dare she express that to you! My God, she has nerve.

    You handled it very gracefully.
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree about dealing with it using words without a charge to them. You express yourself and feel better and she knows your boundary. Well done. Very well done.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    And no guilt, and no shame for you in this.

    Wow.

    I agree. Very well done.

    When all this began happening to us, it never once occurred to me that it wasn't my fault. I am still trying to extricate myself from that belief system.

    Good, good, good for you!

    I think your attitude, that the kids are responsible for what they do, will be healthier for your difficult child than my response was.

    So very pleased for you, that this is so.

    :0)

    Cedar
     
  8. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Cedar -- Thanks! But I must confess that I do still wrestle with guilt at times. I do. But not nearly so often as I used to. I used to blame myself for all sorts of things that had nothing to do with me. But a huge variety of experiences have shown me that's just not the case in many instances.

    God grant me the strength and wisdom to apologize when I'VE erred (which I do often -- both err and apologize).

    And God grant me the strength and wisdom to stand up for MYSELF when someone else has erred toward me!

    And on the flip side, God grant me the strength and wisdom to forgive OTHERS who have erred toward me.

    I have an unending loop visual in my head for that (a mobius strip of sorts -- one loop for asking forgiveness, one loop for granting forgiveness........and the twist in the middle is the balance/strength where standing up for myself comes in --- Hope that makes sense!). It all flows together. I can be a mess of emotions flying all over (esp during perimenopause -- LOL!). But I do care about learning and loving. I think this Universe is a rather incredible place and I'm grateful to walk through it. Even better when I WALK THE WALK I TALK! :) Doesn't happen every day, but happens maaaaany more days than it used to.

    Getting there one day at a time. I get by with a little (ok, a LOT!) help from my friends! :D (You may now commence humming the Beatles song out loud). ;)

    Cedar --- I hear great inner strength from you in your posts. Strong heart! I admire that. :)
     
Loading...