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Frustrated Step-Mom seeks advice..
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<blockquote data-quote="Farmwife" data-source="post: 335374" data-attributes="member: 8617"><p>Hi, nice to meet you.</p><p> </p><p>I am not an expert but I have some similar experience. I have a blended family.</p><p> </p><p>Married current husband little over 3 years ago. My difficult child and he started getting acquanited when difficult child was 12. So my husband or difficult child's step has been around since we were in the almost a little boy still stage through the emergence of puberty and the terrible teens. husband has been a saint and difficult child has put him through a lot. husband takes it in stride and treats him as if he were his own.</p><p> </p><p>If it is any consolation in your situation as it sort of is in mine. The fact that difficult child feels comfortable enough with husband to treat him like garbage means he accepts husband's role as Dad. It's like if they hate you, you know you are doing your job right. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /></p><p> </p><p>EX difficult child's birth Father wasn't safe, stable or sane. It did have a lasting impact on difficult child. He does have some trust issues, abandonment issues, learned bad behavior habits and on and on and on. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. Life will be hard for you while your difficult child adjusts. Being a part of a blended family is hard for even average kids. Divorce is disruptive and chaotic for any young person. Although your difficult child has some extra problems mixed in it is still completely normal for him to have a difficult transition from his last couple years.</p><p> </p><p>My difficult child has difficulty being happy. It has a lot to do with trust. Not just trusting people to be there but trusting them to love him unconditionally even when he isn't so easy to love. Most of all he needs to know he can trust that happiness CAN and does happen. Maybe your little guy does need extra help and it will be a lot of work but being loving, patient and gentle mother he needs, even when he is a porcupine will go a long way towards him accepting your role.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes these children of divorce are used to chaos as the parents relationship disolves. That takes a long time and they are a lot more in tune to things than we may think. Life is out of control for them for a long time, they can't make choices. Sometimes making the choice to be out of control is about regaining/taking some control.</p><p> </p><p>My difficult child is slowly coming around but we had zero resources or ideas on what to do with him. First few trips to psychiatrist were useless. We just got decent help after being desperate for almost 2 years. In spite of all of that I can see some light at the end of the tunnel even if the ride is rough from time to time. You are waaay ahead of the game by being here and having at least sort of a direction so early on into him moving back.</p><p> </p><p>Most of all make sure to keep your marriage solid. It can be hard to have a difficult child, I know my difficult child has strained my marriage. You HAVE to take breaks to go on dates or just soak in the tub. I know when husband and I have quarrels it stresses my difficult child out. Having a stable marriage is one step toward difficult child knowing that everything is well in his world.</p><p> </p><p>It did take husband some time to learn to be a Dad. I had to accept this new person stepping into a long standing parent/child relationship. I had a bad habit of stepping in and undermining husband's authority because difficult child and I were used to a certain structure. I suggest you and your husband sit down and discuss your roles and expectations. The last thing you need is a difficult child who learns how to play you against one another and manipulate. Mine did for a long time and we are just now getting the kinks out of that.</p><p> </p><p>You will be fine. We all get worn out and want to pull our hair out. Some day when this little guy is a man he will probably look back on YOU as his Momma. Someday all the work you put in and all the tears you cry will just make him more of YOUR little guy. He sounds like a cutie with a lot of potential. Maybe he needs a healthy Mommy figure and thank goodness he has you!<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> He's just a blessing in disguise.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Farmwife, post: 335374, member: 8617"] Hi, nice to meet you. I am not an expert but I have some similar experience. I have a blended family. Married current husband little over 3 years ago. My difficult child and he started getting acquanited when difficult child was 12. So my husband or difficult child's step has been around since we were in the almost a little boy still stage through the emergence of puberty and the terrible teens. husband has been a saint and difficult child has put him through a lot. husband takes it in stride and treats him as if he were his own. If it is any consolation in your situation as it sort of is in mine. The fact that difficult child feels comfortable enough with husband to treat him like garbage means he accepts husband's role as Dad. It's like if they hate you, you know you are doing your job right. :raspberry-tounge: EX difficult child's birth Father wasn't safe, stable or sane. It did have a lasting impact on difficult child. He does have some trust issues, abandonment issues, learned bad behavior habits and on and on and on. I'm not going to sugar coat it for you. Life will be hard for you while your difficult child adjusts. Being a part of a blended family is hard for even average kids. Divorce is disruptive and chaotic for any young person. Although your difficult child has some extra problems mixed in it is still completely normal for him to have a difficult transition from his last couple years. My difficult child has difficulty being happy. It has a lot to do with trust. Not just trusting people to be there but trusting them to love him unconditionally even when he isn't so easy to love. Most of all he needs to know he can trust that happiness CAN and does happen. Maybe your little guy does need extra help and it will be a lot of work but being loving, patient and gentle mother he needs, even when he is a porcupine will go a long way towards him accepting your role. Sometimes these children of divorce are used to chaos as the parents relationship disolves. That takes a long time and they are a lot more in tune to things than we may think. Life is out of control for them for a long time, they can't make choices. Sometimes making the choice to be out of control is about regaining/taking some control. My difficult child is slowly coming around but we had zero resources or ideas on what to do with him. First few trips to psychiatrist were useless. We just got decent help after being desperate for almost 2 years. In spite of all of that I can see some light at the end of the tunnel even if the ride is rough from time to time. You are waaay ahead of the game by being here and having at least sort of a direction so early on into him moving back. Most of all make sure to keep your marriage solid. It can be hard to have a difficult child, I know my difficult child has strained my marriage. You HAVE to take breaks to go on dates or just soak in the tub. I know when husband and I have quarrels it stresses my difficult child out. Having a stable marriage is one step toward difficult child knowing that everything is well in his world. It did take husband some time to learn to be a Dad. I had to accept this new person stepping into a long standing parent/child relationship. I had a bad habit of stepping in and undermining husband's authority because difficult child and I were used to a certain structure. I suggest you and your husband sit down and discuss your roles and expectations. The last thing you need is a difficult child who learns how to play you against one another and manipulate. Mine did for a long time and we are just now getting the kinks out of that. You will be fine. We all get worn out and want to pull our hair out. Some day when this little guy is a man he will probably look back on YOU as his Momma. Someday all the work you put in and all the tears you cry will just make him more of YOUR little guy. He sounds like a cutie with a lot of potential. Maybe he needs a healthy Mommy figure and thank goodness he has you!:winking: He's just a blessing in disguise. [/QUOTE]
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