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Substance Abuse
Gentle push or swift kick!
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 627271" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>You did raise them right. After 18, you have NO legal right to see or be involved in anything. And by 17 they don't really push you to do that much. If he doesn't want you to be there, I wouldn't go. Why waste your time? If a friend asked you not to come to her house, would you still go?</p><p></p><p>"But this is my child."</p><p></p><p>Well, yes...and no.</p><p></p><p>Our children are borrowed for eighteen years. They were once babies and gurgled and smiled at us and we loved them so and they thought we were their world. Then they were little kids and so cute and loving and put dandeleins on the table for us. Then they were teens and needed our direction, but started pulling away. By the time they are eighteen, while many are still very immature in their minds, legally they are adults and we have no more control over them. We are not allowed to read anything legal or medical without their permission. We can't tell them what to do or how to do it, unless they ask as an opinion, and we can't make them do anything. They are almost fully grown in body and many serve in the military,go away to college and do fine, move out and do fine.</p><p></p><p>The fact is, our difficult children are just differently wired, tend to shun society, tend to do exactly the opposite of what makes a person successful. It isn't that they don't know better or can't do it (in my opinion it is never good to let ANy adult child think you don't think he/she can make it alone)...it is that he has to learn his own lessons, just like we did. How did YOU like your mother barging in and judging everything you did? I didn't want anything to do with it. I had tuned her out by age sixteen and was going to do what I wanted to do or felt was right when I was eighteen and I did. One biggie was I married outside of my religion. I was the first Jewish person on both sides of my family to marry somebody who wasn't Jewish, but I thought it was absolutely nutty to be restricted about marriage due to my parent's religion (I didn't have a real religion at the time). What could they do? Well, they didn't have to throw me a wedding, but I didn't care if I had a wedding. You may not think this is a serious offense, but to my family it was horrific...haha, I started a trend. Everyone after me followed my lead, but that's beside the point. WE CAN NOT CONTROL OUR GROWN CHILDREN.</p><p></p><p>And when I say "grown" I don't mean they are mature. Some people are never mature. I have a 36 year old son who will probably never grow up. However, I am not obligated to take care of him anymore and I don't. At least he is partly functional because he knows he can't come to Dad or Mom to take care of him. He has his own house, a good job, and he is still a difficult child, but he has been forced to be independent, difficult child or not.</p><p></p><p>Hugs again for your hurting mommy heart. I know how hard this is. It was hard for me too. Sometimes it still is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 627271, member: 1550"] You did raise them right. After 18, you have NO legal right to see or be involved in anything. And by 17 they don't really push you to do that much. If he doesn't want you to be there, I wouldn't go. Why waste your time? If a friend asked you not to come to her house, would you still go? "But this is my child." Well, yes...and no. Our children are borrowed for eighteen years. They were once babies and gurgled and smiled at us and we loved them so and they thought we were their world. Then they were little kids and so cute and loving and put dandeleins on the table for us. Then they were teens and needed our direction, but started pulling away. By the time they are eighteen, while many are still very immature in their minds, legally they are adults and we have no more control over them. We are not allowed to read anything legal or medical without their permission. We can't tell them what to do or how to do it, unless they ask as an opinion, and we can't make them do anything. They are almost fully grown in body and many serve in the military,go away to college and do fine, move out and do fine. The fact is, our difficult children are just differently wired, tend to shun society, tend to do exactly the opposite of what makes a person successful. It isn't that they don't know better or can't do it (in my opinion it is never good to let ANy adult child think you don't think he/she can make it alone)...it is that he has to learn his own lessons, just like we did. How did YOU like your mother barging in and judging everything you did? I didn't want anything to do with it. I had tuned her out by age sixteen and was going to do what I wanted to do or felt was right when I was eighteen and I did. One biggie was I married outside of my religion. I was the first Jewish person on both sides of my family to marry somebody who wasn't Jewish, but I thought it was absolutely nutty to be restricted about marriage due to my parent's religion (I didn't have a real religion at the time). What could they do? Well, they didn't have to throw me a wedding, but I didn't care if I had a wedding. You may not think this is a serious offense, but to my family it was horrific...haha, I started a trend. Everyone after me followed my lead, but that's beside the point. WE CAN NOT CONTROL OUR GROWN CHILDREN. And when I say "grown" I don't mean they are mature. Some people are never mature. I have a 36 year old son who will probably never grow up. However, I am not obligated to take care of him anymore and I don't. At least he is partly functional because he knows he can't come to Dad or Mom to take care of him. He has his own house, a good job, and he is still a difficult child, but he has been forced to be independent, difficult child or not. Hugs again for your hurting mommy heart. I know how hard this is. It was hard for me too. Sometimes it still is. [/QUOTE]
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