Get a note, send a note... I

[witzend]

You may remember that a couple of weeks ago, I sent my dad a note that said "Gretchen asked me to tell you Edwin died. His funeral was last weekend." This was before the bs blowup with L last week. I got a card in the mail from my mom today. Mind you, the card was not addressed to her (she who signs all greeting cards "Love, Dad and Mom") in any way.

Her card said

"Dear Witzend:

Thanks for informing us of Edwin's death. He hada lot of health problems, but was doing pretty well the last we heard.

Love, Dad and Mom" (UGH!)

The funny thing was, I had sent a second card to my dad today before I got the mail. I photocopied it in case anyone wanted to argue with me about it in the future. husband and I discussed it with our therapist and amongst ourselves. It said:

"I just heard about your heart surgery last week. I am sorry to hear that you were so ill, and glad to hear that you have recovered.

I am sorry that things are still so bad between you and I after all these years. I do love you.

Witzend"

Irony. It's a witch...

 

[meowbunny]

That was really a sweet note you sent to your dad. Even if nothing ever happens, you'll be able to hold your head up knowing you did the best you could.

HUGS

 

[Hound dog]

Witz

I'm strongly beginning to believe your family doesn't deserve you. (me who thinks family is everything) I just don't get this. I'm so glad that somehow you managed to come out such a wonderful person regardless of the way they carry on.

I'm glad you sent your Dad that note. You know your hearts in the right place and that you tried.

Hugs

 

[DazedandConfused]

You actually photocopied the card just in case for proof?

((((witz))))

I think I understand your need to keep the door of communication open, but on the other hand, you felt it necessary to copy the card in case they find some fault with it later on.

I'm wondering, is it really all worth it?

I mean that in a compassionate way.

 

[witzend]

Yep, I'm good. Nope, they're not worth it.

There have been a lot of stories about letters that supposedly were sent when they weren't. Or letters that said things that they didn't. If no one ever sees it, fine. But if one day someone comes to me and says "I can't believe you sent that nasty note to your dad when he was dying!" {he's not dying, my friend saw him walking on the street last week} I can say "tell me what was wrong with it."

It's done. I don't expect the earth to move. I'm leaving L be on her own until she figures out that she needs me, which should be just about the time her dad cuts off her money next March or when her boyfriend kicks her out for the 4th time which should be soon because he is in auto sales and we all know where that business is going... So, no talking to L for a while, no hearing crud about my family for a while.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Hugs to you.

beth

 

[flutterbee]

(((hugs)))

 

[goldenguru]

Good for you witz. When it's all said and done you'll have the peace of knowing that you reached out to your family. You'll have no regrets.

The older I get the more I realize that you just can't make unreasonalble people see reason. IT"S. JUST. NOT. POSSIBLE.

You did good Witz.

 

[ScentofCedar]

That was a very nice note, Witz. Sometimes, all we can do is the best WE know.

You have done that, Witz.

{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Barbara

 

[hearts and roses]

That was a nice note. You did your best and were very kind. And if you did it without expecting anything in return, all the better for YOU.

Hugs~

 

[witzend]

Thanks, all. Jo, I did do it without expecting anything in return. Except for maybe someone to light it on fire and toss it in my hair when I've got a good dose of hairspray on, a la Stephanie Plum style... (hope you get the reference!)

 

[katya02]

Ha ha ha ... or use it to blow up your car, Stephanie Plum style? Seriously, witz, kudos to you for sending a lovely note to someone who doesn't deserve it. You've taken the high road.

lots of {{{hugs}}} and good wishes.

 

[Suz]

I see a somewhat different perspective; I think this is hopeful from both sides.

From what I can gather, your Mom is the communicator for the two of them. This is very, very common- I certainly was when I was married and most women I know are the same.

Anyway, your Mom/Dad did not have to acknowledge the card but both she and your Dad decided they would.

Good move.

And you didn't have to do what you did.

Good move.

Witz, I think any kind of reconciliation after the years of hurt will take many, many baby steps. I hope this was a baby step for both sides.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[witzend]

Thanks Suz. That was the 14th baby step on my part. It was enough for this calendar year. I've done two in the last two weeks.

PS - No, I didn't really count them.

I think we have to accept no one really knows what other people lived with when they grew up. No one knows who other people's families were or are, or how they were or are treated. No one anywhere knows for certain what another person is inside or what made them that way. But we know our families.

My father did not know that my mother sent a note to me. She does not speak for him as part of an agreed upon conversation. No one who knows them would ever even assume that it was possible. Period. Anyone who suggests otherwise doesn't know anything about my family.

No mail or message likely gets through to him at all unless it was read by her and filtered through conversation to him through her. He is not someone you'd like to live with when he is upset. Even with a message of news he'd be interested in, or concern for his health, his upset could go on for months. That's his problem, and that's her problem. But I'm me, and I get to say "I'm glad you are better, I'm sorry we don't get along, and I love you."

 

[KTMom91]

I think you were very gracious to send the note. You are willing to make an effort, even if no one is willing to accept that effort. You showed a lot of style in your wording, straightforward and clear, and I am most impressed. I don't know if I would be able to make that effort.

Many, many hugs.

 

[janebrain]

Hi Witz,
I like what you did, what you said, and the fact that you did it for you, not for them--meaning you have no expectations or "hopes", just did what you thought was right for yourself in this situation.
Hugs,
Jane

 

[Star*]

OMG if you are sending all these little notes I HAD BETTER get a Christmas card!

Sometimes it's just nice to sit back with your photocopied correspondence and bask in the light that is shining for you.

ATTA Girl - ATTA Girl (wanted you to have 2)

HAUL OUT THE HOLLY !!!!!!!!!!!

 

[mom_to_3]

That was a very nice note Witz. You're right, nobody knows what kind of life you lived or what kind of people your parents are or were. What we do know is that in this instance and others we have read about, is that you are conducting yourself in an honorable way.

My husband and I were discussing our grandson and our difficult child daughter last night. He is extremely angry with our daughter and the way things have ended up, to the point of disowning her. Those strong emotions upset me greatly. I hate seeing him like this. On one hand, I understand, I'm living the same thing too. On the other hand, at this point in my life, I refuse to live my life in an angry, spiteful way.

I can control ME only. I can chose to involve myself negatively in family situations that will never resolve themselves OR, I can chose to involve myself in less than perfect family situations that I chose to conduct myself with grace and honor. It's not that I am excusing others bad behavior or the past, it's that I'm consciously making a choice to live my life a certain way without participating all the nastiness that is.

My husband is still processing last nights enlightenment. He did calm down, but I don't know if he is ready to let go of the hurt and disappointment and take control of his own emotions yet. We all come to that point at different times, he is an honorable man, so I know he'll get there.

Hugs to you!

 

[witzend]

M23, thank you for writing about your experience. Like I said earlier in the thread, I know that in my case there is room for movement on all sides, but there ares some stumbling blocks. I understand how you guys are feeling about your difficult child (from my dealings with M, mostly), and how it feels from being on the other end.

I think it will be helpful for your family that you do what is best for you, and let your husband do what he is comfortable with. To me, because my mother includes my father (especially that she signs him as the primary signer) of the conciliatory notes, it always feels as if my dealings with my mother are false. I have no problem believing that she feels ready to move forward to at least a pleasant but distant relationship. That I walk into a Fred Meyer (Kroeger's to a lot of you) and my dad abandons his cart and walks out the door when he sees me tells me that he is interested in a hostile relationship. It makes my mom's notes ring untrue. If she just signed them "Love, Mom" it wouldn't make me doubt the validity of what she says.

It also feels like my mom absolves my father from ever having to really face up to his relationship with me, whatever it is. I think it will be helpful to you and your daughter to move on with terms that are comfortable to the two of you by acting on your own behalf. It may also encourage your husband to act on his own behalf if you don't act for him, which he may not do if you try to speak for him. I know that so long as my mom is my dad's buffer, no one ever has to or will make a move. Big hugs to you with your situation with husband and difficult child. It hoovers...

 

[mom_to_3]

I think it will be helpful for your family that you do what is best for you, and let your husband do what he is comfortable with.
Trust me.............. he'll do what he's comfortable with!

To me, because my mother includes my father (especially that she signs him as the primary signer) of the conciliatory notes, it always feels as if my dealings with my mother are false.
That is understandable on your part and I'd probably feel the same way if I were you. That is probably her way of trying to make everything okay.

That I walk into a Fred Meyer (Kroeger's to a lot of you) and my dad abandons his cart and walks out the door when he sees me tells me that he is interested in a hostile relationship.
I cannot even imagine that happening. Instead of him being interested in a hostile relationship, could it be that he knows he is wrong and lacks the courage or ability to apologize? Some men (and probably women) find it easier to run from and discount that they even had a part in a dispute than to face it head on, could that be him?

It also feels like my mom absolves my father from ever having to really face up to his relationship with me, whatever it is.

I'm sure it does feel like that to you. I doubt she absolves your father, but is trying to get past that ugliness that maybe she has no control over. Like the same spot my husband is in. I can't control him or his feelings, but I do have to live with him and hear about it.

It may also encourage your husband to act on his own behalf if you don't act for him, which he may not do if you try to speak for him.

Again, trust me. I don't act for my husband, nor do I speak for him. He owns his own words, feelings and actions. I also don't explain him and yes, he usually has some explaining to do! He's a man you know!

Big hugs to you with your situation with husband and difficult child. It hoovers...

Thanks, and yes it does HOOVER!