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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 199898" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>M23, thank you for writing about your experience. Like I said earlier in the thread, I know that in my case there is room for movement on all sides, but there ares some stumbling blocks. I understand how you guys are feeling about your difficult child (from my dealings with M, mostly), and how it feels from being on the other end.</p><p></p><p>I think it will be helpful for your family that you do what is best for you, and let your husband do what he is comfortable with. To me, because my mother includes my father (especially that she signs him as the primary signer) of the conciliatory notes, it always feels as if my dealings with my mother are false. I have no problem believing that she feels ready to move forward to at least a pleasant but distant relationship. That I walk into a Fred Meyer (Kroeger's to a lot of you) and my dad abandons his cart and walks out the door when he sees me tells me that he is interested in a hostile relationship. It makes my mom's notes ring untrue. If she just signed them "Love, Mom" it wouldn't make me doubt the validity of what she says.</p><p></p><p>It also feels like my mom absolves my father from ever having to really face up to his relationship with me, whatever it is. I think it will be helpful to you and your daughter to move on with terms that are comfortable to the two of you by acting on your own behalf. It may also encourage your husband to act on his own behalf if you don't act for him, which he may not do if you try to speak for him. I know that so long as my mom is my dad's buffer, no one ever has to or will make a move. Big hugs to you with your situation with husband and difficult child. It hoovers...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 199898, member: 99"] M23, thank you for writing about your experience. Like I said earlier in the thread, I know that in my case there is room for movement on all sides, but there ares some stumbling blocks. I understand how you guys are feeling about your difficult child (from my dealings with M, mostly), and how it feels from being on the other end. I think it will be helpful for your family that you do what is best for you, and let your husband do what he is comfortable with. To me, because my mother includes my father (especially that she signs him as the primary signer) of the conciliatory notes, it always feels as if my dealings with my mother are false. I have no problem believing that she feels ready to move forward to at least a pleasant but distant relationship. That I walk into a Fred Meyer (Kroeger's to a lot of you) and my dad abandons his cart and walks out the door when he sees me tells me that he is interested in a hostile relationship. It makes my mom's notes ring untrue. If she just signed them "Love, Mom" it wouldn't make me doubt the validity of what she says. It also feels like my mom absolves my father from ever having to really face up to his relationship with me, whatever it is. I think it will be helpful to you and your daughter to move on with terms that are comfortable to the two of you by acting on your own behalf. It may also encourage your husband to act on his own behalf if you don't act for him, which he may not do if you try to speak for him. I know that so long as my mom is my dad's buffer, no one ever has to or will make a move. Big hugs to you with your situation with husband and difficult child. It hoovers... [/QUOTE]
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