Getting difficult child To The Concert Was a Differnt Story

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Bunny, Dec 21, 2010.

  1. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Because last week difficult child insisted he was quitting orchestra he didn't go to the zero period class. Yesterday when he went he found out what he needed to wear for the concert. He came home and asked me if he had an all black shirt (he needed to be in all black for the concert). I told him no, that I did not think that he did. His immediate response was, "Well, go and buy me one, right now!" I told him that I could not leave at that moment because I had to wait for easy child to get off the bus, but that I would go when easy child got home. Of course, this turned into him screaming about how I said that I wouldn't go get him the shirt and he's not going to go to the concert now and it's all my fault because I don't love him. I only think about easy child's needs and what about his needs.

    To be honest, I absoloutely lost it. I was so angry at him. I told him how dare he say that to me, after all that husband and I have gone through this past year to help him. That easy child is always the one to get put on the back burner because of difficult child's needs and that he was being totally unfair in telling me not to be at the bus stop when easy child gets home from school. He slams his door and locks it, scraming again about how he can't go now. I quietly told him that I never said I would not go get a black shirt for him. I just could not go that very minute.

    I left him in his room, screaming, and I went to get easy child off the bus, and then I ran to Kohl's and found black hirt for him to wear. I got home, showed it to him and he says to me, "If you had just gone when I told you to go we would have avoided all the trouble that you caused when I got home."

    After that, he seemed fine. Like nothing happened. He did, finally, go and did really well, but I was so annoyed that the day took the turn that it did. I hate when he does that. Turns everything around, says I said things that I did not, all to make everything out to be my fault. I'm sick of it.

  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Pam, it's called "black and white thinking." He has a cognitive deficit. You will do well to read The Explosive Child very carefully. I'm not excusing his behavior at all, but he has a mindset that makes it very difficult for him to shift gears suddenly. He needs to be taught. A good therapist trained in Ross Greene's Explosive Child theories could become your family's very best friend.

    Hang in there.
  3. idohope

    idohope Member

    I thought for a minute you were describing a scene from my house! My difficult child is the same age with an anxiety disorder. As Smallworld said the black and white thinking combined with panic (anxiety). We often go thru such scenes to get to an event like that. And it is always all my fault! And then she is usually fine when she gets there. It is exhausting. And advance planning can help but when they spring this stuff on us at the last minute ( I need a costume; I need black leggings) and they are desperate it is hard. Sounds like you did a good job and all was well in the end but wouldnt it be nice not to have to go thru so much to get there!
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I remember those days...when I had to remind Miss KT almost constantly that she was not the adult, she was not in charge, and (fill in the blank) would get done, it just wouldn't get done right this minute. She's mostly gotten better, but there are still moments when she wants it done RIGHT NOW.

    Hugs. I know, it's so frustrating.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs, sounds so much like a scene that could happen at my house. Everything is always someone else's fault. The black and white thinking can drive you nuts!
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont know what time easy child gets off the bus but would it maybe have worked better to leave the easy child part out and say something like.

    " I dont think you have a black shirt that fits you right now. Lets plan on going shopping at 4 pm to look for one. Does that sound like a plan? Maybe we can get a milkshake too if you like?"

    Make the milkshake something else he would like something small that would be a reward to get his mind off the setting of a future time. You know, ice cream cone, soda, red box movie, candy bar, whatever.