The thing he told Tommy is that difficult child
(Tommy) stopped the screaming when he heard the doorbell ring and he believes that proves the behavior can be controlled. Is that true?
Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/going-out-my-mind-52021/#ixzz2HaTU6Ipz
Answer to me is....that is too simple of an explanation. I feel like sometimes they have a certain amount of control but I picture it like an old fashioned record album. Their brains are like the grooves and sometimes the needle gets stuck. When something unexpected happens, it can bump the needle and can get them out of that stuck rut. In general when some kids (with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) types of disablities especially) are thinking, they only really have one thought they can focus on at a time. So if they are buried in a power struggle/rage etc. it is hard to get them off that. But when something like a doorbell rings etc....that can snap them out of it and now they are wondering what the heck is going on at the door.
When they are not in that adrenaline filled, all cylinders firing mode they can think more clearly and can consider more information making them look more in control. But depending on their states, they have different levels of control. It is not that they are being intentionally on again/off again, but they certainly can learn some skills to help come out of that state so it is not like they have to remain at the mercy of their impulsive or rage-filled behaviors. Some, like my son may always need someone to help cue them to do better, hopefully long before he gets to that out of control state.
I too can totally relate to that feeling of being hostage to rages etc. The door pounding, wall pounding, swearning, demanding, blocking me from going out of a room etc....his falling apart if he is panicked about something or not liking having to do nor not getting to do something...uggg.
Sometimes I have a harder time than others keeping my priorities regarding which power struggles to avoid and which things are hard and fast rules.
I sometimes remind about brushing teeth but I do NOT get into a power struggle about it, this morning he quickly started an argument about it...he wanted to brush his teeth but had left the cap off his toothpaste and wouldn't let me help get it out...wanted to use mine. I should have just let him, then fixed it later...really not a big deal. But, instead I said if he used mine then he was going to have to buy me a new tube from his earned money because it is expensive (sensitive kind) toothpaste. He fell apart. Really not a good moment for me. He had awakened in a mood and I already knew I should have been keeping overall stress lower. I do take responsibility for triggering some of what happened this morning.
Things always go much better for us when I keep to the plan. Only have power struggles over what is considered a safety issue/legal issue type of thing. I can usually tell when he is in a place to work on other skills, but when we are having a day or days/weeks that are in general stressful....I go back to only worrying about the few priorities until the overall stress is lower and he is able to keep it together better.
While doing that I am big on having natural positive consequences happen (If I make a big deal out of earning things it is too stressful, but for example...got ready easily and on his own to go somewhere....well then, we have time to go through a drive through for a treat or here is an extra dollar I found for you to go to XXX with your Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) worker, etc. ) Once the positives start adding up (and wow, that is so not easy to do at our house some times, luckily it is easier these days) it really does change things.
What you have that I do not have??? A husband who needs to get on board with the program. What he did with the toothbrush was abusive. And that is not meant as a judgement really, because I understand getting to that point. Still, we are the adults and can't go there. Teeth are not worth it. I have let someone at school tell Q that he needs to use deodorant or to brush his teeth as a natural consequence to his not doing it at home.
I sometimes go back to a visual reminder on the bathroom wall so he does not have my voice to react to. Even if he rips it, he saw it.
Are there any medication changes that happened? Any one of the ones he is on could be adding to his mood/oppositional/aggressive issues. Prozac set my son off as did a couple of AP's and Tenex did nothing for him either way. Other medications from those same categories did work for him though. Prozac was the only one that got worse over time so I didn't recognize it right away. (I think I remember you might be questioning that ...but might be mixed up with someone else, sorry)
I just really badly for all of you, such a stressful time overall and I know how hard it is to have a child who is hard enough if you were isolated on a farm and causing the scenes he is causing, but when it is so disruptive that others can hear you....I admit that is an added layer of stress I can sometimes just barely handle. It is a huge reason I moved.
And most of all, it is awful to have our loved ones in such a state that they are acting this way. We know or at least hope there is a way for them to be happier and not get so worked up. But getting there is so tough!
I hope just one thing can change and help him start to spiral up. you have my thoughts and hugs, it is so not an easy life.