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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 428157" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Jody, </p><p> </p><p>In reading between the lines? As another parent who had a kid "down the road" in foster care? Can I give you a little friend to friend advice? - Let go. Stop the 5x 10x a day calls. What I read between the lines in your posts is that there is a very controlling, manipulative little girl in a foster home who is still trying to hurt her Mom and doing a good job of it. There is a wonderful Mom who is hurt, confused -and trying harder than the daughter. THAT? has to stop. I think a good first step would be to tell my daughter that she has a life - THERE.....and I have a life HERE - and if she wanted to live HERE? She knows what she needs to do to come here and live, so that we could talk all the time. Then I'd tell her I'd like that very much, but so far? She hasn't shown me that's what she wants and a telephone isn't a substitution for the real thing. </p><p> </p><p>In other words - she's getting everything she wants from you - the information about her home, her Mom, her sister, - your calming voice, the care, the concern -----without ANY of the work. She wants you? She wants the 411? Let her do the work. I can see a chat now and then? But she's getting all that? And then rubbing in the "Oh no I think I'll stay in the big house with my FOSTER family I love it here." to you and I think that's kinda poopy. Sure why SHOULD she come do work at YOUR house? She gets all she needs over the phone. (pretty smart actually) By the time she does get to your house? Nothing you've done all week is a mystery for her. It's like she's been there wtihout being there. Let her WONDER what's going on at the house. If she wanted to be there? She'd work for it right? </p><p> </p><p>Just a thought - </p><p> </p><p>And as far as that relationship??? I'm just laughing - cause it seems to me that ANY child that calls you 5-10 times a day? Already HAS a relationship. It just needs fine tuned on those rules. Which is doable. You just have to learn the fine art of boundaries, detachment, and not being a doormat. That comes with YOUR maturity. Learn how to say NO to your kids and NOT worry about feeling guilty. It takes a lot of practice. Especially when you already feel so guilty about so much already. Work on the already while she's in foster care with a good therapist, cut out all the daily phone calls, and by the time she does come home? Have a battle plan in place and practice saying NO - even if you have to say it to trees and dogs - learn it. Okay? ----------NO there you said it already! GOOD GIRL!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 428157, member: 4964"] Jody, In reading between the lines? As another parent who had a kid "down the road" in foster care? Can I give you a little friend to friend advice? - Let go. Stop the 5x 10x a day calls. What I read between the lines in your posts is that there is a very controlling, manipulative little girl in a foster home who is still trying to hurt her Mom and doing a good job of it. There is a wonderful Mom who is hurt, confused -and trying harder than the daughter. THAT? has to stop. I think a good first step would be to tell my daughter that she has a life - THERE.....and I have a life HERE - and if she wanted to live HERE? She knows what she needs to do to come here and live, so that we could talk all the time. Then I'd tell her I'd like that very much, but so far? She hasn't shown me that's what she wants and a telephone isn't a substitution for the real thing. In other words - she's getting everything she wants from you - the information about her home, her Mom, her sister, - your calming voice, the care, the concern -----without ANY of the work. She wants you? She wants the 411? Let her do the work. I can see a chat now and then? But she's getting all that? And then rubbing in the "Oh no I think I'll stay in the big house with my FOSTER family I love it here." to you and I think that's kinda poopy. Sure why SHOULD she come do work at YOUR house? She gets all she needs over the phone. (pretty smart actually) By the time she does get to your house? Nothing you've done all week is a mystery for her. It's like she's been there wtihout being there. Let her WONDER what's going on at the house. If she wanted to be there? She'd work for it right? Just a thought - And as far as that relationship??? I'm just laughing - cause it seems to me that ANY child that calls you 5-10 times a day? Already HAS a relationship. It just needs fine tuned on those rules. Which is doable. You just have to learn the fine art of boundaries, detachment, and not being a doormat. That comes with YOUR maturity. Learn how to say NO to your kids and NOT worry about feeling guilty. It takes a lot of practice. Especially when you already feel so guilty about so much already. Work on the already while she's in foster care with a good therapist, cut out all the daily phone calls, and by the time she does come home? Have a battle plan in place and practice saying NO - even if you have to say it to trees and dogs - learn it. Okay? ----------NO there you said it already! GOOD GIRL! [/QUOTE]
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