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got the medication now i'm afraid to take it??
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 134274" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi Jen. I'm finally making a foray into this forum - I've been a member on this site for several years now, and I've never got this far!</p><p></p><p>About the jealousy thing - I know being reasonable maybe isn't going to be too effective right now, but I can't think of anything else and maybe you can get SOME use out of it?</p><p>I learnt years ago to not get jealous. It wasn't easy, but I did it with logic.</p><p>It began with a bloke I was engaged to, he was a few years older and made a big thing of how mature he was compared to me. I was an innocent young thing living away from home and having to grow up FAST. We were doing the same uni course, but he had done a trade first - said doing a trade had given him the edge in maturity.</p><p>Our relationship was at times a bit stormy, but I am a peacemaker and would always try to resolve anything. He, on the other hand, was a manipulator and would use emotional blackmail rather than reason, to win an argument. I was learning to play his game, to get what I needed.</p><p>One night when it was peaceful and things seemed to be finally resolving, I said to him (as we stood looking over the moonlight on the sea - I kid you not!), "We've had a few rocky times lately, but..."</p><p>"Yeah, I've noticed that and I think we should break up."</p><p></p><p>I was totally blown away by this. When he realised that I had been about to say, "...but I think we're going to be alright," he was apologetic but did not retract. "I thought you were going to break up with me and I had to do it first," he said, as if it would help me accept and understand. (and HE had more 'maturity', eh?)</p><p></p><p>The interesting things began to happen afterwards. We agreed to take a step back from commitment, we would still be close and friends. And yet almost immediately, he began to be mean to me. He would arrange for us to go out to a movie, but I would have to get to his place even though he had a car and I did not. Then when I got there he would be too sick to go anywhere ("maybe I'll feel better in an hour or so") and instead of driving me home as he had agreed, I ended up waiting all day then taking myself home.</p><p>I was determined to wait until this temporary insanity wore off. So it seemed he upped the ante, all while still insisting that he was committed to me. We still had lunch with our larger group of friends, and he began telling everybody (me included) about this charming little Chinese girl who was his partner in Chemistry prac. He even added, glancing in my direction, "how MATURE she is."</p><p></p><p>Then we noticed that he no longer sat with us in Geology lectures, he had his head close to the little Chinese girl sitting next to him - I made the obvious assumption. But I wasn't going to make a scene - I suspected he would consider that to be 'immature'; besides, the girl probably had no idea he was still alleging himself to be 'engaged at a distance' to me. Now, I wasn't asking him to confirm our relationship - he kept volunteering this. I began to suspect he was trying to mess with my head, but all our friends were looking anxiously at me, and making sarcastic remarks behind his back, about 'loyalty to friends', which meant them as well as me. So one day as we were filing out of Geology lectures I happened to file out next to him and the girl and said, "You haven't introduced me to your friend."</p><p>I was polite, I was friendly. But the look of triumph that flashed across his face was unmistakeable - he'd been trying to get a rise out of me! He had actually been trying to make me jealous - and I never could understand why, since I wasn't the one who broke up.</p><p>It wasn't the time or place, and I knew if we began to talk about it he would only get manipulative again, and try to twist my emotions to make me feel guilty (what the **** for?) so I backed off, annoyed that he'd 'won'.</p><p></p><p>I got my revenge. It was THE BEST revenge - because he upped the ante. Of course. And thereby laid the foundations of his own downfall.</p><p></p><p>I sat and thought about it logically. From what he had told us about her (and it was a lot) I knew she was fairly new in the country and was probably very grateful to have a friend. She came from a culture that had women in a subservient role and would have been agreeing with things he said, simply because he was older, he was male, he was born in this country and she must be respectful. I also knew him well enough to know he would NOT have told her about me, or her sense of honour would have kept her at arm's distance from him.</p><p></p><p>So how could I be angry with her? None of this was her fault, in any way. She hadn't chosen to be his partner, it was purely the luck of the random draw.</p><p></p><p>I got my revenge. I made friends with her. And really meant it, not just pretend friends. Meanwhile he kept trying to bignote himself with the men in our group, by implying that this young woman was crazy about him, hung on his every word, etc. all the while glancing at me to see how I was reacting. I took up knitting and did my best to appear nonchalant. Meanwhile I made a point of sitting on this girl's other side in lectures, and letting her copy off my notes. Afterwards we would chat, I think she was happy to have another female to confide in. She was determined to do well in her studies, had no time for romance she told me, but her parents were depending on her to graduate and then come back home to China.</p><p>As our friendship developed, it became increasingly obvious to everyone my ex-fiancé had bragged to, that she wasn't interested in him in the slightest. His lies (purely to get me angry) had left him with egg on his face. She and I would go off to lunch together, leaving him standing there. It was the BEST lunch!</p><p></p><p>By handling things this way, I felt much better inside. I couldn't be angry with a girl who could so nearly have been this creep's next victim. And she was such a nice girl, too.</p><p>When I had been feeling jealous, it was a horrible feeling inside. It felt like my stomach was trying to digest itself, my head was pounding, I had trouble even seeing clearly let alone thinking clearly. But because I knew that he was playing some sort of game, something let me hold back enough, and I saw and was able to stop myself.</p><p></p><p>By making friends, I learned to see him from her point of view. I also gained a friend, instead of allowing resentment to build. I felt happy and light, instead of sick and anxious. </p><p></p><p>The most important thing - it helped me see him in perspective.</p><p></p><p>Since then - there were a couple of times with husband, when I began to feel jealous. Again, I made friends. However, this time the situation was reversed - the girl WAS chasing husband, wanted him for herself, but he was too blind to see it. By making friends with the girl it made it harder for her to do anything to hurt me, and it also helped me know what she was up to. Generally it didn't take long for me to realise that for the girl, it was unrequited love and would remain so - I had him, he was mine, I was the winner.</p><p></p><p>It all convinced me - if a man of mine should choose to stray, then buddy, the door's thataway. If I can't prevent him from straying, then he's not worthy of me. And the sooner I get over such a loser, the sooner I can move on.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean you don't work at a relationship; but it does mean that you avoid the jealousy. A man who strays but comes back - at least he came back, he made a choice. It's then up to me to make the choice to accept him back or not (depending on circumstances). </p><p></p><p>For a female who is genuinely trying to poach your man, having you get jealous and show it to him is the fastest way to lose him to her. Instead, staying calm and sure of yourself is the strongest way to hold on to him. </p><p></p><p>And make friends with all the women in his life. Because if he ever leaves, you will need friends.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 134274, member: 1991"] Hi Jen. I'm finally making a foray into this forum - I've been a member on this site for several years now, and I've never got this far! About the jealousy thing - I know being reasonable maybe isn't going to be too effective right now, but I can't think of anything else and maybe you can get SOME use out of it? I learnt years ago to not get jealous. It wasn't easy, but I did it with logic. It began with a bloke I was engaged to, he was a few years older and made a big thing of how mature he was compared to me. I was an innocent young thing living away from home and having to grow up FAST. We were doing the same uni course, but he had done a trade first - said doing a trade had given him the edge in maturity. Our relationship was at times a bit stormy, but I am a peacemaker and would always try to resolve anything. He, on the other hand, was a manipulator and would use emotional blackmail rather than reason, to win an argument. I was learning to play his game, to get what I needed. One night when it was peaceful and things seemed to be finally resolving, I said to him (as we stood looking over the moonlight on the sea - I kid you not!), "We've had a few rocky times lately, but..." "Yeah, I've noticed that and I think we should break up." I was totally blown away by this. When he realised that I had been about to say, "...but I think we're going to be alright," he was apologetic but did not retract. "I thought you were going to break up with me and I had to do it first," he said, as if it would help me accept and understand. (and HE had more 'maturity', eh?) The interesting things began to happen afterwards. We agreed to take a step back from commitment, we would still be close and friends. And yet almost immediately, he began to be mean to me. He would arrange for us to go out to a movie, but I would have to get to his place even though he had a car and I did not. Then when I got there he would be too sick to go anywhere ("maybe I'll feel better in an hour or so") and instead of driving me home as he had agreed, I ended up waiting all day then taking myself home. I was determined to wait until this temporary insanity wore off. So it seemed he upped the ante, all while still insisting that he was committed to me. We still had lunch with our larger group of friends, and he began telling everybody (me included) about this charming little Chinese girl who was his partner in Chemistry prac. He even added, glancing in my direction, "how MATURE she is." Then we noticed that he no longer sat with us in Geology lectures, he had his head close to the little Chinese girl sitting next to him - I made the obvious assumption. But I wasn't going to make a scene - I suspected he would consider that to be 'immature'; besides, the girl probably had no idea he was still alleging himself to be 'engaged at a distance' to me. Now, I wasn't asking him to confirm our relationship - he kept volunteering this. I began to suspect he was trying to mess with my head, but all our friends were looking anxiously at me, and making sarcastic remarks behind his back, about 'loyalty to friends', which meant them as well as me. So one day as we were filing out of Geology lectures I happened to file out next to him and the girl and said, "You haven't introduced me to your friend." I was polite, I was friendly. But the look of triumph that flashed across his face was unmistakeable - he'd been trying to get a rise out of me! He had actually been trying to make me jealous - and I never could understand why, since I wasn't the one who broke up. It wasn't the time or place, and I knew if we began to talk about it he would only get manipulative again, and try to twist my emotions to make me feel guilty (what the **** for?) so I backed off, annoyed that he'd 'won'. I got my revenge. It was THE BEST revenge - because he upped the ante. Of course. And thereby laid the foundations of his own downfall. I sat and thought about it logically. From what he had told us about her (and it was a lot) I knew she was fairly new in the country and was probably very grateful to have a friend. She came from a culture that had women in a subservient role and would have been agreeing with things he said, simply because he was older, he was male, he was born in this country and she must be respectful. I also knew him well enough to know he would NOT have told her about me, or her sense of honour would have kept her at arm's distance from him. So how could I be angry with her? None of this was her fault, in any way. She hadn't chosen to be his partner, it was purely the luck of the random draw. I got my revenge. I made friends with her. And really meant it, not just pretend friends. Meanwhile he kept trying to bignote himself with the men in our group, by implying that this young woman was crazy about him, hung on his every word, etc. all the while glancing at me to see how I was reacting. I took up knitting and did my best to appear nonchalant. Meanwhile I made a point of sitting on this girl's other side in lectures, and letting her copy off my notes. Afterwards we would chat, I think she was happy to have another female to confide in. She was determined to do well in her studies, had no time for romance she told me, but her parents were depending on her to graduate and then come back home to China. As our friendship developed, it became increasingly obvious to everyone my ex-fiancé had bragged to, that she wasn't interested in him in the slightest. His lies (purely to get me angry) had left him with egg on his face. She and I would go off to lunch together, leaving him standing there. It was the BEST lunch! By handling things this way, I felt much better inside. I couldn't be angry with a girl who could so nearly have been this creep's next victim. And she was such a nice girl, too. When I had been feeling jealous, it was a horrible feeling inside. It felt like my stomach was trying to digest itself, my head was pounding, I had trouble even seeing clearly let alone thinking clearly. But because I knew that he was playing some sort of game, something let me hold back enough, and I saw and was able to stop myself. By making friends, I learned to see him from her point of view. I also gained a friend, instead of allowing resentment to build. I felt happy and light, instead of sick and anxious. The most important thing - it helped me see him in perspective. Since then - there were a couple of times with husband, when I began to feel jealous. Again, I made friends. However, this time the situation was reversed - the girl WAS chasing husband, wanted him for herself, but he was too blind to see it. By making friends with the girl it made it harder for her to do anything to hurt me, and it also helped me know what she was up to. Generally it didn't take long for me to realise that for the girl, it was unrequited love and would remain so - I had him, he was mine, I was the winner. It all convinced me - if a man of mine should choose to stray, then buddy, the door's thataway. If I can't prevent him from straying, then he's not worthy of me. And the sooner I get over such a loser, the sooner I can move on. That doesn't mean you don't work at a relationship; but it does mean that you avoid the jealousy. A man who strays but comes back - at least he came back, he made a choice. It's then up to me to make the choice to accept him back or not (depending on circumstances). For a female who is genuinely trying to poach your man, having you get jealous and show it to him is the fastest way to lose him to her. Instead, staying calm and sure of yourself is the strongest way to hold on to him. And make friends with all the women in his life. Because if he ever leaves, you will need friends. Marg [/QUOTE]
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