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Greatest fear comes to life
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<blockquote data-quote="Sunlight" data-source="post: 9901" data-attributes="member: 97"><p>I am always dumbfounded at people who think paying rent for their child is the answer. especially kids who self medicate with drink and drugs to wash over their own pain and loneliness. so, you pay for a roof overhead and they are still lonely and without resources like a car??</p><p></p><p>my ex paid rent for ant for 6 months back when ant was still into drugs deeply. he paid for nights in a motel for him as well. it did not help ant and in fact made ant think others would provide a roof for him. the ex even picked up food at the food bank and delivered it and cigarettes to ant! at night ant still had to face his own fear of being alone. grrrr</p><p></p><p>ant can only live here if he pays rent. he has to work to get the rent money. he does it because he likes being with family. he enjoys the comfort and safety. he didnt learn to appreciate that until he lived without comfort and safety. when he was drinking and drugging he lost that. the more he realized he had no home to go to unless he behaved, the more he wanted to stop his behavior.</p><p></p><p>however, when he was in halfway houses...he was still with strangers. he worked and paid rent, but the part missing was the emotional support and guidance, being with people you trusted.</p><p></p><p>you take a lonely depressed self medicator...put him in a hostile or strange environment...and they drink as soon as they can to escape the pain. some of our difficult children are people who cannot adapt to new places sober. they cannot sit and chit chat with house mates who also have anger/loneliness/substance abuse problems. one of the big reasons I think they attach to women they meet so quickly is that they want to be with someone they feel they can trust to stave away the loneliness.</p><p></p><p>you put J alone in an apartment and pay his rent. he has no car. he will maybe comply and walk or bus to work for a while, but at night when he comes back, he will be lonely til he cannot think of anything but drinking til morning comes. if his dad is there, he will feel guilty that his dad is not with Abbey. this will make J end the living situation by acting out so his dad goes home and J doesnt feel guilty.</p><p></p><p>I still say give him the opportunity to be accepted in his home place-with conditions. I think if he feels unwanted, he will leave on his own. a person like this needs not only a roof, food and a job, they need emotional support. after all, many of these kids grew up with few to no friends and feeling like they didnt fit in. the last thing they want to is to know that they are so scarey and unloved that dad left mom to go live with them. </p><p></p><p>I have to add that at some age you can no longer take them home when they have repeatedly abused the home environment. I never let ant live here since age 18 until I felt he truly had shown good effort to get and keep a job and be respectful to me. if he repeats the past behaviors he would be out in a flash. point is, the home is a carrot he had to earn. this is limited. I would not have ant living here at age 30 and still acting out. at J's age, he is still maturing.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Sunlight, post: 9901, member: 97"] I am always dumbfounded at people who think paying rent for their child is the answer. especially kids who self medicate with drink and drugs to wash over their own pain and loneliness. so, you pay for a roof overhead and they are still lonely and without resources like a car?? my ex paid rent for ant for 6 months back when ant was still into drugs deeply. he paid for nights in a motel for him as well. it did not help ant and in fact made ant think others would provide a roof for him. the ex even picked up food at the food bank and delivered it and cigarettes to ant! at night ant still had to face his own fear of being alone. grrrr ant can only live here if he pays rent. he has to work to get the rent money. he does it because he likes being with family. he enjoys the comfort and safety. he didnt learn to appreciate that until he lived without comfort and safety. when he was drinking and drugging he lost that. the more he realized he had no home to go to unless he behaved, the more he wanted to stop his behavior. however, when he was in halfway houses...he was still with strangers. he worked and paid rent, but the part missing was the emotional support and guidance, being with people you trusted. you take a lonely depressed self medicator...put him in a hostile or strange environment...and they drink as soon as they can to escape the pain. some of our difficult children are people who cannot adapt to new places sober. they cannot sit and chit chat with house mates who also have anger/loneliness/substance abuse problems. one of the big reasons I think they attach to women they meet so quickly is that they want to be with someone they feel they can trust to stave away the loneliness. you put J alone in an apartment and pay his rent. he has no car. he will maybe comply and walk or bus to work for a while, but at night when he comes back, he will be lonely til he cannot think of anything but drinking til morning comes. if his dad is there, he will feel guilty that his dad is not with Abbey. this will make J end the living situation by acting out so his dad goes home and J doesnt feel guilty. I still say give him the opportunity to be accepted in his home place-with conditions. I think if he feels unwanted, he will leave on his own. a person like this needs not only a roof, food and a job, they need emotional support. after all, many of these kids grew up with few to no friends and feeling like they didnt fit in. the last thing they want to is to know that they are so scarey and unloved that dad left mom to go live with them. I have to add that at some age you can no longer take them home when they have repeatedly abused the home environment. I never let ant live here since age 18 until I felt he truly had shown good effort to get and keep a job and be respectful to me. if he repeats the past behaviors he would be out in a flash. point is, the home is a carrot he had to earn. this is limited. I would not have ant living here at age 30 and still acting out. at J's age, he is still maturing. [/QUOTE]
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