Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Jun 1, 2008.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Grrrrr! I'm so frustrated with difficult child!

    My dad and his wife came to visit yesterday. My difficult child can't stand my dad's wife. I have to say she just doesn't get difficult child. Thinks all kids will respond if raised a particular way. She doesn't know how to enjoy him at all. She tries but just doesn't get it.

    This time though difficult child was just plain a difficult child and it was so frustrating. He absolutely cannot control himself around her.

    Yesterday she was going to show something to my dad and difficult child was wrong in trying to just take it because he wanted to. He called her a "B" and gave her the finger. I told him he needed to head to his room immediately, which he, of course, didn't like. Told him it wasn't an option and I had to call husband from upstairs because difficult child was starting to lose it with me.

    The entire time difficult child was constantly interrupting, being rude etc. A few other times he yelled at her and said she wasn't the boss of him (she does tend to try and give him directions but not in a bad way-she should probably just leave that to us). Most of the time husband tried to keep him distracted, bless his heart. It was so wearing on husband (and really on everyone).

    This morning my dad wanted to go to church with me and she was so mad at him, mostly I think she was upset because it would mean my dad wouldn't be there to help with difficult child and she was worried he would cause problems. difficult child loves my dad and my dad does great with him.

    husband kept difficult child upstairs the whole time so it ended up not being a problem. The reason I add this part of the story is on the way to church he said he didn't know why she was so afraid of difficult child.

    I told him it was probably the way difficult child treated her (he really was horrible to her). Still it made me wonder. I never thought of her being afraid of him, she doesn't show it but maybe difficult child senses it?

    I hate that what should be a fun time turns out to be so tense.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    She probably is somewhat afraid of him. difficult child, being a difficult child, is unpredictable. If she has little to no experience with gfgness, and he is rude and hostile towards her, she might be thinking he's going to launch out of his chair and strangle her, or something like that. I've had the same kind of thing towards Miss KT..."we love her, but we just don't know what she's going to do next..." Newsflash...neither do I, but I doubt it would be homicidal in nature. I agree, though, that it's so frustrating when something that's supposed to be fun isn't. Sending hugs.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It sounds like maybe she KNOWS that she doesn't know how to interract with difficult child and difficult child probably can tell that she is not at ease with him, which means he doesn't feel comfortable around her. That is just my take on it. Is there anything all of you could do together where everyone would have a good time but there would be enough "activity" so that they wouldn't really need to interract one-on-one? I'm thinking that if everyone was relaxed and having a good time, maybe a natural occurrence would come around and they could share a laugh or something- I think they need an ice-breaker- low pressure.
  4. Sara PA

    Sara PA New Member

    How is she at interacting with easy child 10 year old boys? Some women just don't know how to deal with any boys.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    She probably is afraid of him because she can't control him.

    My mother in law is the kind of person who is only interested in a child if they are clever or smart or in some way make her look good as a grandparent. And if you are not sweet and compliant and able to be controlled or manipulated, she doesn't have much patience for you.

    We learned this the hard way when she came out to help me after husband's brain surgery in February. She was supposed to be getting the kids ready for bed while I had the night "off" and was watching the Academy Awards (like the only thing I've ever asked to watch undisturbed in my LIFE from ANYONE). difficult child 2 was being his usual silly self and she was being her usual bossy, impatient self. She told him to put something down, he told her "you're not my mom!" and she SLAPPED him, which sent him crying inconsolably to his room.

    I will never forgive her for that. difficult child said he wanted her to go home, and to this day, I don't think he looks forward to being around her. She ruined that relationship forever.

    My mom (who was also of the generation who believed "spare the rod, spoil the child") felt the woman was justified when I told her about it, and I explained (as a sort of warning to her) that in my opinion, grandchildren should not be afraid of being HIT by their grandparents, that she KNEW difficult child has problems beyond his control, she KNEW his medications wear off at night, and SHE is the ADULT and should be in CONTROL of her emotions when she is supposed to be caring for a child who is NOT in control of his.

    I will never, ever entrust the care of my children to her again.

    You can bet difficult child senses the tension. And you're right, it's lousy when good times are spoiled by people who just can't cope with a situation. They are better off staying away or keeping visits short.
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    It's not hard to believe that there is a basis of fear. There are not many woman of her generation that experience a 10 year old calling them a B**** and giving them the finger!

    difficult child was acting extremely inappropriately. Wondering why she didn't attend chuch with you two?

    It's difficult sometimes for others to understand our children. We want people to have a little understanding or compassion; but if our kids are the first real non-typical kids they have come across, it can be a little daunting.

    I'm sorry that difficult child kinda ruined your time with your father. Maybe you could spend some one on one time with him this summer.

  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I think there is probably a sense of fear. So many people are afraid of what they don't know or what they don't understand. She obviously does not understand difficult child.

    I would bet that she is too set in her ways to even try. Which is unfortunate, because the two of them could have a good relationship (in theory anyways). Many of my family in the older generations are SO about kids being seen and not heard. It is hard to teach old dogs new tricks.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks all! She is very old school. She means well but does drive us crazy at times. She has two daughters, both married, one with two daughters, total pcs, of course.

    She just has such a hard time understanding him (and not being around much I can understand why-he is difficult and has so many issues). She is very set in her ways and everything has to be a certain way.

    One time when we were at their house, it was dinner time and difficult child was really getting wound up. We knew if he could just watch a bit of tv we could get him to calm down. She was very upset that we suggested it. I think she felt we were giving in to him. We looked at it as trying to avoid a meltdown. She is one who always believes everything should be eaten on the plate, a battle we have chosen not to fight with difficult child because it truly isn't worth it.

    That's just a bit of background. There are many more examples. It kind of shows why difficult child doesn't care for her much. Still, that does not in any way excuse difficult child's behavior.

    As for how she relates to other easy child boys. Probably o.k.-not really sure!

    Sharon-She is very set in her schedule. The night before I told them what mass I was going to do and asked if they wanted to join me. Neither did. In the morning Dad decided he wanted to go. She was very angry because he didn't tell her the night before so she could get up early enough to go along. She takes a long time to get ready and doesn't really do well with spur of the moment things.

    The sad thing is that my dad does so well with him and I wish we could see him more often. Although she often sees her daughter without my dad, I get the feeling she wouldn't like my dad doing the same.

    I really do love her, she means well. It's just frustrating at times.
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    The afraid statement is very interesting. She may well be telegraphing her fears to him, and that can't make him feel good.